


Yet I Believe You, Messenger

by Hekate1308



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Hunter!Cas, M/M, angel!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 81,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4701932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hekate1308/pseuds/Hekate1308
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak had been a hunter his whole life when he sold his soul to save another. He expected years of torture until he broke and crawled back to earth to be exorcised. He didn't expect an angel rescuing him. Or the Apocalypse, for that matter. Reverse!AU, Angel!Dean, Hunter!Cas, Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few things to say about this.
> 
> First of all, I have wanted to write a reverse!AU for a while – and I always knew that if I did I would try my best to make it as close to canon as possible. Which means I will attempt to have Cas and Dean still have their personalities instead of exchanging them.
> 
> And then there's this bigger thing: I'm starting to work tomorrow. And I mean the job I've studied for years and got my degree for. So I'll do my best to update once a week.
> 
> I'll also be super nervous and chittery the whole day and it would be super nice to come home to reviews!
> 
> Yes, I am subtly begging here.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Castiel Novak was thirty years old and standing over the broken body of a nine-year-old girl when he decided to end it all.

Not by his own hand; but by doing something right for once in his life.

He had done everything his father, everything his brother had asked him to; and yet they had left him; left him to hunt alone and fail more often than not, because despite his training it was never enough, he wasn't quick enough or smart enough or strong enough and an innocent person got hurt because of it.

Sandy Millers had only turned nine a week ago.

He had known a werewolf was roaming the woods around her hometown, and yet he had moved too slowly, again, and now she was dead, dead and gone, and it was his fault.

He had failed to save so many.

But he could save her.

It wasn't difficult to find a crossroads, and he had all the ingredients necessary for the summoning; his Lincoln was always well equipped.

The demon predictably chose to possess a beautiful woman. She smiled when she saw him, her eyes filling with red.

"Castiel Novak. It's an honour".

He said nothing. He knew the sharp tongues of demons; she would stop and start talking about business when she was tired of taunting him.

"You were the last I'd ever expect to come see me... I thought Daddy taught you not to make deals? Then again, he's not here to stop you. Where is he, these days?"

He didn't give her the pleasure of acknowledging that his father had left and never come back. He didn't even know if he was alive.

Eventually she stopped, perhaps because of his lack of response and looked at him, waiting.

"Four miles from here, there's the body of a girl lying in the woods. I want her to live a long, happy life".

"Sacrificing your life for someone else? Very heroic. Alright". Her gaze was steady, cold.

"You'll have one year".

"What? It's ten years for a deal".

She smiled. "One year for you, sugar – you've caused enough trouble downstairs. Deal or no deal?"

The decision was easy. It didn't really matter to him how much longer he had to live.

"Deal".

As he kissed the demon, he felt something like hope for the first time in years.

He spent the last year of his life alone, as the seven that had gone before. He hunted and now and then succeeded in saving lives; he drove around in his faithful Lincoln, the only home he had ever known.

When the time came, his car was the only thing in the world he said goodbye to. He had driven through remote farmland, and ten minutes before midnight he parked and got out, running his hand over the hood.

He would walk deep into the empty fields until midnight.

He wasn't scared. He wasn't relieved.

He felt empty.

He didn't turn around when the hellhounds came closer. He didn't try to fight.

He had chosen his own fate and he would stand by it.

He felt every last bite, every scratch, every piece torn from him; he had hoped there would be a period of unconsciousness between that and the flames of Hell, but there wasn't, and then he was hooked on a wall and a demon was smiling at him.

"Castiel Novak" he sneered. "It is time for your training to begin".

He had hated many things in his life.

But none as much as Alastair.

Alastair was not crueller than other demons, but he enjoyed torturing more than any other.

He pulled Castiel apart until there was nothing left, and reassembled him just to do it all over again.

Eventually, he didn't know if he was even feeling pain anymore; if this all-encompassing agony could even be called pain; if there wasn't another word, any word to describe –

And every day, or whatever time span he saw fit to use, Alastair would ask him a question.

_Do you want off the rack?_

With his last vestige of goodness, he answered "No" every time, screamed it right into the demon's face, who smiled and began cutting again.

If only it had just been cutting. If only he had just used the knife.

The taunts and the visions were worse, so much worse, and while his body was writing under fire and blades and claws, Castiel heard and saw his father, his brother, all those he hadn't been able to save, insulting him, screaming at him, and the worst part was that everything they said was true.

He cried, screamed at them, but they only left when Alastair wanted them to because he had to ask the question.

The question Castiel refused to answer with anything other than No.

He had not been a good man, or a succesfull hunter. But he would turn into a demon through the torture inflicted on him, not through that he inflicted on others. His soul would burn, but it would burn for the longest time he could hold unto his humanity until he broke and returned to earth and a hunter exorcised him.

He was holding on to that thought, trying to say "No" again, and Alastair was angry, Alastair was piercing a needle in his right eye –

And suddenly he knew that today, he was going to break, today he would take the scalpel, today he would start –

It was night. Cas looked up at the fool moon.

He was lying in the field the hellhounds had found him in.

He waited, waited for Alastair to show up, having made him believe that he had got out. It wouldn't have been the first time.

But Alastair didn't return.

He wasn't in Hell anymore.

He was back.

And he had no idea how.

He had never heard of anything that could pull someone out of Hell – except for –

His mother had loved stories about angels. She had named him and his brother for that very reason. One of the few vague memories he had of her, before she left their father for reasons unknown and they never saw her again, was her telling him about angels, about how they were kind and good and pure, but also warriors of God like in the Bible because God needed them to protect earth, and how could they do so if they weren't strong?

As he had grown up, when his father hadn't been watching, he had read many things about angels. It had been a way of feeling closer to her.

And one of the stories he had read – he still remembered the picture that had illustrated it, an angel touching the shoulder of a man who was encased by flames – had told about men being saved by angels, raised from perdition and into Heaven.

This wasn't Heaven. This was earth.

Something had brought him back. It had to have been powerful; Alastair would not have lte him go easily.

So maybe –

No. He had never met an angel, nor someone who claimed to have met one; and since most people he knew were hunters, the only logical conclusion was that angels didn't exist.

But then what had got him out?

And how long had he been in Hell?

He remembered thirty years. Thirty years full of agony, of screams, of Alastair's laughter.

He had to go and see. He had to know what the world looked like.

He made his way back to where he had left his car and was astonished to find the old Lincoln still there – and apparently in the same condition. He shook off the absurd feeling that it had been waiting for him, that he was coming home.

It still worked though. His phone, of course, was discharged. Despite his memories of thirty years of torture, he couldn't have been very long – his car would have fallen apart if that had been the case.

Shakily, suddenly feeling tired and starving, he drove back to the town he had left he knew not how long ago to die.

The diner he remembered as being good and cheap was still there, and the waitresses looked the same.

He hadn't been dead for a long time at all.

It was summer.

He had died in spring.

When he asked the waitress who remembered him to his surprise what day it was, she smiled and told him it was August 31th.

If this was still the same year, he had been in Hell about three months.

Thirty years of torture, and it had only been three months on earth.

The good news was that his contacts were still alive and since he mostly worked alone, his silence wouldn't be surprising.

No one had known that he had to die. No one would know that he had come back unless it was necessary.

There was of course the possibility that he hadn't come back human. Maybe he was a revenant. But he had done tests on himself in the car, and he hadn't reacted to silver or salt.

He went to the toilet to wash his face. He looked tired and weary, but that was nothing new.

No one could read on his face that he had been tortured.

He lifted his shirt to inspect the torso that had been sliced open more times than he could count.

Everything was gone – every scar, every burn he had received while hunting. He looked completely healthy.

Then he raised the fabric on his arm and saw a handprint on his left shoulder.

A handprint. Not a burn, not a scar, but a red handprint.

Whatever had dragged him out had... laid claim in a way.

He shuddered and let go of the fabric, covering the handprint up.

He thought of Zachariah Adler. He was the best source of information a hunter could find, and while he was not the most pleasant man to be in a room with, Castiel had never had any problems with him.

Furthermore, he kept silent, so he could tell Adler the truth. The man had been around long enough that nothing surprised him, and being uninterested in anyone or anything besides himself and lore he would probably see it as a challenge.

He was only a three hours drive away.

When Castiel wanted to pay, the middle-aged waitress who had recognized him shook her head.

"You look like you needed it" she said softly, and Castiel, taken aback, could only thank her.

It felt good to meet a kind soul.

He drove to Adler's house quickly, past the speed limit, almost feeling the handprint on his shoulder burn.

As always, he seemed not pleased to see him, but he listened to his story, nodded, and kicked him out of the house so he could "properly research the lore".

Castiel was too used to Adler's antics to care.

And if it got him the answers he needed...

He found a motel near Adler's house with almost clear sheets – in fact, they were cleaner than most he had used in the past and it was just nice to lie down again.

He hadn't laid down to sleep for thirty long years. And even now, he couldn't find rest.

He got up and walked. In Hell, he had always been trapped; now he could go where he wanted.

Eventually, his ramblings brought him to another diner, and he went in because he had nothing better to do.

He nursed his coffee for far too long, it growing cold in the meantime without Castiel noticing.

He had so many questions and no answers. According to his experience, asking Adler if he had found anything would lead to nothing. He had to wait for the older man to call him.

He was looking out of the window, his coffee completely forgotten, when it happened.

Someone sitting across from him said, "You have to try the pie here, man. It's awesome".

Someone who clearly hadn't been there a moment ago.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas turned his head to see a man sitting across from him.

A man who had definitely not walked, sat down or even moved in his direction before. He would have known; he would have felt it. A hunter's instincts were finely tuned, and Castiel had been hunting for most of his life.

Plus, he definitely would have noticed this man, whether he behaved suspiciously or not. He looked to be a bit taller than him, with beautiful green eyes and freckles –

The thought shocked Castiel. He had believed all desires of that kind to have died long ago, on empty roads and lonely nights; he could never tell anyone who he was and what he did, so what was the point of sharing a few fleeting hours?

But with this man –

No. This wasn't right. This had to be a creature that was making him feel this way on purpose. He felt for the silver knife in his pocket and let his gaze sweep over the other patrons of the diner. He couldn't attack without being seen, but he was confident he could get away. He had done so on former occasions like this. The real problem was, however, that he didn't know if he could take the monster out before it sprang on one of the customers or himself.

"Relax, you wouldn't win anyway" it advised him and Castiel frowned. Was it a mind-reader?

"Come on. I meant it". Castiel only understood that he hadn't reminded him of the threat when he waved at the waitress.

"Hey, what sort of pie do you have?"

"Our speciality is pecan, but we – "

"Sweetheart, you had me at pecan".

And he _winked_.

Castiel refused to believe that his heart beat faster because of it.

When she placed to plates in front of them, it immediately dug in, while Castiel watched, confused. Which monster would eat pie with him before attempting to kill him?

"Try. It's awesome!" he encouraged him, all but moaning around his fork.

Castiel tentatively took a bite, remembering he had abstained from sweets since his brother had walked out; Gabriel had always been munching on something, and he hadn't wanted the reminder.

He had to admit he had missed out.

It grinned at him, green eyes sparkling.

"See?"

Castiel was taken aback with how _normal_ it all felt. Just sitting in a diner, eating pie with someone.

But this was far from normal.

"What are you?" he demanded.

"Keep your voice down! The other humans could hear" it hissed, proving that it was indeed a creature.

"And you care because?"

For one second, he could have sworn the green eyes glowed from within.

"You should show me some respect" it almost growled.

"Why?"

"Because I am the angel who dragged your ungrateful ass out of Hell".

He was struck dumb.

"Wh- What?" he eventually stammered.

The thing rolled its eyes while swallowing the last of its pie.

"Angel. I am an angel and I saved you. Could have used the old "dragged you from perdition" line, but it's not the Middle Ages anymore".

"Angels don't exist" Castiel replied automatically.

"Really? And how do you explain me?"

"Right now you're just an annoying man stuffing himself with pie in front of me".

"You want proof" it stated.

Castiel nodded.

"Alright then, let's go" the thing said abruptly, getting up and leaving but not before winking at the waitress one last time.

Castiel felt exasperated rather than worried as he followed the creature. He didn't believe it, but he wanted to see that so-called "proof".

By this time, it had grown dark, and Dean made his way to an abandoned street a few blocks down; miraculously the street lamp was still working.

Castiel was just contemplating that he could have flown them there if he was an angel when he turned around, gave him a cocky green and asked, "How's that for proof?"

His eyes began to glow green, and while Castiel was wondering which kind of creature had such eyes – a Djinn came to mind, but they only ever had blue ones – two wings appeared behind it.

Perhaps it would have been more accurate to say that the shadows of two wings appeared, for they certainly didn't seem corporeal; but shadows were not soft brown dotted with gold freckles – _not unlike those on his face_ , he thought before he could stop himself – and they didn't stretch behind men's backs like huge bird wings.

The – angel snapped his fingers and the wings disappeared. His eyes stopped glowing too.

"So, how about we make a new start?"

"That is supposing I believe you now".

He groaned.

"You can't honestly – "

"No" Castiel said, suddenly feeling tired. A creature that called itself an angel had told him he had saved him from Hell.

"You're right. I do believe you".

Maybe he just wanted to believe in something good for once.

The angel grinned.

"What's your name?" Castiel asked. "I assume you know mine".

"Sure do. Put you back together, didn't I?"

"Except for that hand print on my shoulder".

The angel sighed dramatically. "And there we go with the doubting remarks again. Wasn't my fault, alright? It happens when we save a righteous soul from Hell".

Cas wanted to argue that he was in no way righteous, but he was curious what the angel's name was. His mother had named both him and Gabriel after those she had read about.

Maybe there was an angel called Castiel after all?

"I'm Dean".

"Dean?!" he blurted out before he could stop himself.

He looked almost offended.

"What did you expect? For the record, you guys are way too creative in picking your angel names. I mean, Barachiel? Jophiel? Seriously? What's wrong with real names?"

Now it was Castiel's turn to be offended, even though Dean probably hadn't thought about his own name at all.

"Fine. So you are an angel called Dean".

He nodded.

"And you brought me back from Hell because – "

The answer shocked him into silence.

"Because God commanded it".

"Why would God command you to save me?" he finally succeeded in stammering.

Dean's answer confused him even more.

"Because we need your help to stop the Apocalypse".

Castiel insisted that if they were going to talk about this, they might at least do it where he was comfortable – his car.

Dean showed no resistance until he was standing in front of the Lincoln.

"I thought it looked bad enough in your memories, but man – come on!"

"What do you mean?" Cas asked more heatedly than he intended, ignoring for the moment that the angel knew all his memories.

"Seriously? What is that thing?"

"A car. _My_ car. And what was that about your memories?"

"I touched your soul" Dean said bluntly. "Of course I saw all your memories. And this... it's just... couldn't you get something classier? A Mustang, maybe?"

"Said the angel" he grumbled, opening the door on the driver's side and sliding in.

For a moment, he wondered why Dean didn't follow him, but he blinked and suddenly he was riding shotgun.

He instantly felt calmer in the car he knew so well.

"Now, explain. The Apocalypse".

"Correct" Dean replied.

"As in, the Apocalypse of Revelations?"

He nodded.

"Demons are working as we speak to help Lucifer rise. And he can't rise".

Castiel had never been sure if he believed in the devil. He had exorcised countless demons, but he had never really bothered to speculate where they did in fact come from. It was difficult enough to deal with them on a daily basis.

"So Lucifer exists?"

"He's still in his cage, waiting. And as I just explained – "

"Yes, I know. But why me? Why would God choose me?"

"Because you're the Righteous Man".

Castiel actually laughed at that.

"Righteous? Me?"

"You sold your soul so a child would live" Dean explained gravely. "You have spent your life hunting those who prey on humans".

"I followed my father's orders" Castiel reminded him warily. It was the first time he had spoken the words out loud. "And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes I didn't listen and I screwed up and people died".

"It what happens when you're a soldier" Dean argued and suddenly Cas remembered.

Warriors of God.

Not all angels were guardians. In the Old Testament, they were might soldiers – and the way Dean had pronounced the word soldier...

Castiel had allowed himself to be lulled by his laid-back attitude. This was no man, but an angel, an immortal being who had gone to Hell to save him.

And now he expected him to help their fight against the devil.

At least it was a comfort to know that they hadn't resurrected him for his own worth after all.

"But why now? Couldn't Lucifer have risen before? Or do it later?"

"As it is stated in the prophecies – "

"Which ones?"

"Ones human kind has never laid eyes on" Dean replied, exasperated. "Now you're gonna let me tell you what we need you to do or not?"

"It seems rather presumptuous that you should speak of yourself and God as "we"".

Dean glared at him. "The other angels tell me that – "

"So you didn't talk to him yourself?"

"Not just anyone can talk to God. Anyway, we need you to kill Lilith".

Castiel was taken aback.

"Adam's first wife?"

Dean nodded.

"She is trying to break 66 seals on the door of the cage. Once she succeeds, Lucifer walks free".

"And what are those seals?"

Dean looked sheepish.

A part of Castiel wanted to scream at him, but on the other hand... he had saved him Castiel owed him. And... he couldn't deny that Dean looked – cute like that –

_No._

He hadn't wanted anyone in so long; why did he suddenly experience desire again, when an angel had just rescued him from Hell?

"And you can't find Lilith because..."

"She's sheltered. Lucifer's first demon. She knows how to cover her tracks, and she will stop at nothing to reach her goal". Dean's eyes softened. "We really need your help, Cas".

And all he was able to say was "Cas?"

If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought the angel blushed.

"I'm sorry, I tend to give those I – meet nicknames".

He almost whispered it, as if it was a shameful secret, and Castiel wondered if for some reason he wasn't supposed to give people nicknames.

"It's alright. I don't mind".

Aside from Gabriel's obnoxious "Cassie" that he'd only realized he'd grown used to after his brother had left, he had never had a nickname before. No one had known him well enough to bestow one on him. True, he'd only just met Dean, but the angel had already touched his soul.

That sounded wrong.

But still, "Cas" wasn't so bad, all things considered.

Dean smiled at him still blushing and smiling shyly, and Castiel reminded himself that he had seen his wings, that there was indeed an angel sitting next to him and not a beautiful man.

Wait –

"Why do you look human?" he inquired and an awful possibility darted through his mind.

Why hadn't he thought of this before?

"Because I'm using a vessel" Dean replied matter-of-factly.

"You're _possessing_ someone?"

"Did you really think I was walking around in my true form? It would burn out your yes, plus it's as big as the Empire State Building, buddy".

Castiel looked out of the windshield and swallowed. He remembered countless exorcisms, leaving nothing but cold empty bodies because he'd been too late again, he had failed once more –

Even with angels being warriors, he hadn't thought that they would possess humans.

Was there really that big a difference between them and demons? They both fought one another, they both thought nothing about possession. The only difference was on which side they were on.

"Look, it's not how you think" Dean added. "We have to – "

"Go".

"What? Cas, I told you – "

He was not going to argue with a thing who stole people's lives just like demons did.

Just like demons like Alastair did.

"Go!"

"Alright. But don't blame me if the world goes to Hell. Literally" the angel hissed and then he was gone.

Castiel was sitting alone in his car. It was starting to rain.


	3. Chapter 3

“Angels?“ Adler asked. Castiel nodded dumbly. He’d sat in the Lincoln for he didn’t know how long before he’d decided to let Zachariah know what had happened.

“Well, according to my research, they are the only creatures that can pull a soul out of Hell. However, no one has ever seen one...”

“I did” he said quietly, not looking at Adler. He had told him the essentials – that he had met a something that claimed it was an angel – but not the... details.

How Dean’s green eyes sparkled when he smiled.

How comfortable he’d made Castiel feel in only a few short minutes.

And how he’d then proceeded to shatter all Castiel’s hopes that supernatural beings could indeed be good and exist next to humans without causing them harm by telling him about the possession.

The people they possessed probably didn’t even know what hit them. Powerful demons were known to kill humans immediately by taking control of their bodies; was it the same with angels?

He still felt slightly sick thinking about it, and since it was clear Adler wanted to be alone to make a few calls, he decided to look for a case.

In hindsight he should have known better. He had always been careful never to charge in unprepared, never to underestimate the danger that awaited him. His father had drilled caution into him when he had been but a boy.

But this time, he didn’t, couldn’t mind, and when he read about attacks that could only have been carried out by a vampire three short hours away, he simply got in his car and drove.

He wondered if the rage he was feeling was human, was something he would have experienced before his death, before Alastair, before the torture, or if it was a reminder of what he had gone through, a sign that he had already been changing when he was dragged out.

Despite the heat he shuttered and tried concentrating on the case.

Three dead, another wounded but thankfully not turned. All in all, the number of victims was small enough for a single vampire.

He was wrong. He knew as soon as he broke into the abandoned building that he was wrong.

The air... It didn’t feel like a lonely predator who was hiding.

It felt like a pack that was about to attack.

And they did.

He had only a few seconds to brace himself before he was thrown against a wall, clutching his blade.

If he lost it, he’d be in Hell again shortly.

He jumped to his feet at the thought of Alastair and managed to decapitate the vampire lunging itself at him; the next pinned him against the wall, his teeth at his throat –

“Close your eyes!”

Instinctively, he did.

The teeth left his throat. A blinding light, strong enough to paint the inside of his eyelids yellow, appeared. The vampire – and others – cried out.

He opened his eyes again when Dean indignantly exclaimed, “What the Hell, dude!”

The monster and his friends dead, their eye sockets empty.

Dean was standing in front of him, looking so angry, so wrathful, that for a moment, Castiel wondered how he could ever have doubted he wasn’t human.

Then the anger dissolved and he looked – worried.

“Are you alright?”

Castiel nodded.

“You need to be more careful, man. You should know better than to charge into a vamp’s nest alone”.

He refused to admit that he had been acting like an amateur, avoiding looking at the angel. But eventually better feelings won out; Dean had saved him – again – and he turned and said, “Thank you”.

Dean shrugged. “Part of the job, right? Guardians and all that stuff”.

“I thought you were warriors”.

Another shrug.

“Actually...” Dean began, looking down at the dead vampire who’d almost bit him, suddenly acting impossibly human again, “I wanted to talk to you when I realized you were in trouble”.

“Is that so? Perhaps we should go someplace safe to talk”.

Dean nodded and in the next moment Castiel was sitting in his Lincoln, feeling slightly nauseous.

“Sorry, it will pass. Cleaned up the bodies too”.

“I thought you didn’t like my car” he pointed out.

“You wanted to feel safe. Me? There isn’t much that can harm me”.

Against his will, Castiel felt touched at Dean bringing him where he felt at home.

He looked at the angel and realized he was tense, more tense than could be explained by what they had just gone through.

Dean had had no trouble at all with these vampires.

“What is going on?”

Dean didn’t look at him.

The silence lasted, stretched between them.

Eventually, he huffed, “You’re frustrating”.

“It’s been said” Cas answered matter-of-factly.

“I – it’s not –“ Dean stopped, then continued. “My superior... he told me off”.

“Why?”

“Because I rescued you. I guess I could have done it quicker – I tried, I tried so hard to get to you, Cas, but there were so many demons, and six of my brothers had already fallen, and I couldn’t see Sam...”

Cas felt – something when Dean mentioned this Sam. Maybe he was being selfish, but he supposed he could consider himself the most important part of the story when it came to dragging him from perdition.

“I’m sure you did the best you could” he replied, wondering when his life had come to comforting an angel.

“I – when I finally reached you – “ Dean fell quiet.

“John told me in no uncertain times that I had disappointed him” he finally said quietly. “I knew I did, of course, but it was worse to hear it. I am sorry, Cas. Truly and utterly sorry. I could have spared you years in Hell”.

Cas swallowed. It was tempting to speculate if he would feel as unworthy, as depressed if he hadn’t spent thirty years in Hell, but ten or less, but in the end, it didn’t matter. He was out. Dean had got him out.

And Dean was upset because his superior was angry with him.

It was so... human. That plus the fact that he had slain several vampires for him prompted him to ask, “You wanted to talk?”

Dean nodded. “I...” he brought his right hand up to rub his neck. “It’s about the possession”.

He indicated his body with a hand gesture. Castiel nodded courtly.

“I get why you don’t like it, but like I said – my true form would burn out everyone’s eyes, and it is – “

“As tall as the Empire State Building, I know. But you’re still possessing someone”.

“It’s not the same. We have to ask for permission”.

“You mean the people you take... they have to agree?”

“Yes. And for what it’s worth... I took my vessel at the end of his natural life. Machidiel’s soul is at peace”.

“Machidiel?”

“It was a long time ago... for humans”. There was a faraway look in Dean’s eyes. “He and his brother Paschar were both hunters, although they didn’t call themselves that then, as well as vessels.”

“So Paschar – “

“They did on the same day – on the battlefield. His body is used as a vessel for one of my siblings”.

Now he looked almost embarrassed.

Castiel studied him. Dean was... not what he would have expected if someone had told him he would meet an angel. He was too human and at the same time too otherworldly, too beautiful –

He wasn’t going down that road again. It was a vessel, he reminded himself. Machidiel had been beautiful, not Dean.

It didn’t help.

“Thank you” he said again.

“I already – “

“Not just for the vampires. Thank you for rescuing me”.

The angel shrugged self-consciously.

“All part of the mission” he mumbled.

“So what do you know about the Apocalypse?”

He was definitely not mistaken; the angel blushed.

“Not much. I’m not – My superiors know better. I’ll make enquiries”.

“I’ll see you later?”

He looked him straight in the eyes.

“Of course. You’re my charge now, Cas”.

With that, he was gone.

Castiel took a few deep breaths and realized only then that Dean had not only got rid of the bodies; he had cleaned him up as well. No one would guess he’d been wrestling with monsters only a few minutes ago.

He drove back to Adler’s place, intent on getting some answers.

Dean had called him his charge.

For all he knew, it only meant the angel was stuck with Castiel because he was the one who had saved him – and yet...

He hadn’t been... anyone’s anything for a long time.

He hadn’t been a son or a brother for years, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been a lover. Or even a friend.

Not that Dean was a friend.

But he was Dean’s charge.

This must mean that Dean was his... guardian.

Someone was looking after him.

Although he didn’t want to admit it, it was a good feeling.

Adler was intrigued, although, as always, he hid it behind sly comments and his general unpleasantness.

“So the angel saved you again. I would have thought you knew better than to run into such a place on your own...”

“I heard that already”.

“From your angel, I forgot”.

“He’s not my angel. He’s... ”

“As eloquent as ever, I see. I am glad Hell didn’t change you much”.

He could have told him that it had, that he had bleed and screamed and begged under Alastair’s hand until he had turned into a new animal. He would have said yes; he knew, felt it to be true; if Dean hadn’t rescued him, if he had been just a little late, he would have cut and tortured and hurt under the demon’s watchful eye, and what would have entered this world wouldn’t even have been human anymore.

He had a lot to thank Dean for. He was glad they had made up – if that was what he could call it; Dean had cared enough to take his vessel at the end of his life, let him fulfil his destiny before his body was taken over – and from his experience, it was easy to surmise that not all angels felt this way.

In fact he was rather sure that there were many who weren’t as comfortable around humans as Dean seemed to be.

Then again, what did he know? A day ago he hadn’t thought angels existed.

“So, I have to admit that in none of the sources it is mentioned that angels have an affinity for pie”.

“Especially pecan” Cas mumbled, annoyed at himself for remembering.

Adler raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Most of our material on angels is confusing and contradictory. As oppose to what we have on the Apocalypse, which is contradictory and confusing”.

Loathe as Cas was to use violence outside of the job, he was seriously tempted to shoot Adler.

He’d just graze him, of course.

It was when he realized that his hand was actually creeping towards his weapon, and that he wasn’t feeling a thing as he was contemplating hurting someone, another human, even if it was just Adler, that he decided he needed some fresh air.

He kicked one of his Lincoln’s tires and immediately felt bad for it.

If only he had someone to talk to. But Adler was out of the question, and Dean –

Dean was an angel. Castiel was his charge. Nothing more. He couldn’t expect him to care for him.

But it was tempting. Imagining to have something, someone, care whether he lived or died, albeit only for the greater purpose of stopping the Apocalypse.

And it would be nice if it was Dean, with his enthusiasm for pie and his ability to save Castiel at the drop of a hat, his gorgeous freckles and wonderful eyes –

Couldn’t have Hell burned all of these thoughts out of him? Castiel decided it would have been better. He wouldn’t be standing here lus –

Wishing an angel to care for him.

Because Dean never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Google Machidiel and Paschar and angel names and recognize me for the comical genius I am.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a week before he saw Dean again. Leaving Adler to find out whatever he could about the Apocalypse, he had decided that he might as well get back to work, more carefully than in his first attempt, of course.

Haunted houses were far rarer than Hollywood made people believe, and he was surprised when the first case he stumbled across was a hotel where people had just... disappeared. Checked in and gone for good.

Predictably, it had made the prior floundering enterprise a success, and he would have suspected the owners of taking extreme measures to ensure their financial stability if not for the reports of cold spots and strange noises in the night.

Despite years of impersonating FBI agents and other persons of authority, Castiel had yet to master the art of tying his tie correctly, and as he studied the sad knot in the mirror, it was almost like it had been before Hell – before he had known flames and torture and Alastair – and when he remembered the pain, he shook his head and tried to move on.

He didn't succeed, but at least he managed to look somewhat dignified and put together in front of the police. And even if he hadn't, Adler would have pretended to be his superior as he did for countless others.

"Didn't think this would be a FBI deal" the Sergeant commented as he handed Castiel the by now rather thick file.

Castiel shrugged. "Just making sure".

He had never been the best at personal interaction, but it was enough for the man who left him with the file.

As he had expected, there was nothing suspicious about the house or the owners, or the police had overlooked it; he would interview them any way.

Standing in front of the hotel, he was tempted to check in and sleep in a nice bed for once, but he had always been careful when it came to his job; he would do good to remember that; and most of the targets had vanished during the night. He wouldn't risk disappearing.

_Not when Dean had said he was needed._

He pushed the thought away.

The manager and owner was very friendly, if obviously tired and wishing for another job – not that Castiel could blame her.

"The police have already gone through the whole building, I can't think of what you'll find here – "

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I have to follow protocol".

She nodded and sighed, and Castiel was free to investigate the rooms.

There were no EMF or hex bags to be found, and after several hours during which undoubtedly several patrons wondered why an exasperated guy in a suit was running around, he gave up and returned to his motel to do some research.

He had loosened his tie and was going through an old history of the small town that he had found at the local library. He had always enjoyed research, but for some reason he found it tedious today, and couldn't help but think of –

Suddenly he heard the sound of wings fluttering behind him caused him to jump up and train his gun on the intruder that had just appeared.

"Man, Cas, you great all messengers of God like this?"

He relaxed when he recognized Dean.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy just check in?"

He realized he was still training his weapon on the angel and dropped his arm.

"So" Dean said, what are you working on?" Dean continued, ostensibly oblivious to Castiel's confusion. "Unless you like to play Agent Scully in your spare time".

"I don't understand that reference" he said honestly and Dean stared at him.

"How do you live on this world for thirty years and not know the X-Files?"

Castiel chose not to answer his question.

"A haunted house" he said simply, "a hotel. People have been disappearing from it at an alarming rate".

He tried to be annoyed when Dean took the file out of his hand but didn't manage to be. There was something curiously innocent about the way he leafed through it. Castiel supposed he didn't have much occasion to read or use files; being an angel, he could simply smite everything that came his way.

"Having fun?" he inquired more sardonically than he intended, but he needed to distract himself from how... cute the angel looked. Dean raised his eyes from the file.

"Nah, it's just – the way you humans collect information – we kinda got born with it, you know? You guys are awesome".

Once more Castiel reflected on how very wrong human interpretations had got angel speech wrong in the several thousand years they'd known how to read and write.

"Do you have an idea?" he asked. Dean might as well make himself useful if he randomly appeared.

"You are asking me for help?"

"You said I was your charge".

"Yeah, because we're gonna save the world. This is barely worth the attention".

"Because I know so well what I have to do?" Castiel asked sardonically. "You haven't told me anything, and this is my job. People are disappearing".

He didn't know what he had been expecting, but Dean didn't get angry. Instead, he frowned.

"I suppose it is" he finally said. He looked back down at the file.

"Could be a tulpa".

"A Tibetan spirit?"

"You know what a tulpa is?"

He rolled his eyes. "Of course I do. And shouldn't you know I know? As I recall, you have been all over my memories".

"I touched your soul. It comes with the territory. You could stop being bitter about it. Anyway, on to Lilith – "

"Not yet" Castiel interrupted him. Dean stared.

"What?"

"This is my job, and I'm going to do it, and afterwards we can talk about what you need me for".

"You are ordering me to – "

Dean's grace shown through his eyes, and Castiel took an involuntary step back at the wildness in his gaze.

"You should show me some respect" he growled. "I can drop your ass right back into Hell".

"Be my guest" he shot back. "I thought you needed me".

Dean suddenly chuckled, his eyes returning to normal, surprising him.

"You're a firecracker. Gotta say always liked them better than other humans. Man, Abraham was a pushover. I guess working the case it is, then".

As it turned out, "working the case" meant that Castiel blinked and Dean said, "So, that was that. Can we talk about Lilith now?"

"What –"

"It was a Tulpa. Found the sigil, ganked the monster. All safe. So. Please?"

Castiel sighed and sat down. At least the hotel guests were safe.

"You need me to help you stop Lilith. I got as much. But why – " he gestured towards Dean.

The angel smiled somewhat bashfully.

"Sadly, Demons are just as adapt at angel-proving places as we are at smiting them. See the problem?"

He nodded.

"Plus, she's already working on breaking the first seal".

"And?" Castiel prompted when Dean didn't continue. "What is it?"

Now, there could be no doubt about what Dean was feeling. He was looking too proud for that.

"A Righteous Man has to shed blood in Hell. And guess who got him out before any of that could happen!"

Then he deflated again slightly. "Of course I could have done it sooner..."

"I'm sure you got there as fast as you could" Castiel supplied, wondering when he had come to boost the confidence of the angel who'd rescued him from Hell. "No matter what your superiors say".

He did have a history with disapproving authority figures. He understood.

"What about the seals?" He then prompted. "You said a Righteous Man had to shed blood in Hell... Does that mean it can't work now?"

Until he died and returned to Hell, at least. He had never had any illusions as to where he would go when he died, and the deal had ensured it.

Technically he was still damned he supposed, despite the angel rescue.

"There are more than one Righteous Man running around".

"I guess I just won the lottery" Castiel remarked sarcastically.

"You died first, yeah" Dean replied bluntly. Castiel was getting used to the angel's moods, and the fact that sometimes he understood social interaction better than Castiel ever had and sometimes not at all.

"But that's not the point. Sooner or later, someone will break; and when that happens..."

"There are sixty-six seals, right?"

"More like three hundred, but they only have to break sixty-six. Then it's all Hail the Devil".

Castiel shuddered.

"Do you know what Lucifer's plans are? Aside from starting the Apocalypse?"

Dean looked away and Castiel understood.

The angel who had saved him was once again deemed too unimportant to be told.

He wouldn't have been able to stand it.

"So we need to find Lilith and kill her before that happens" Dean said as if Castiel had never answered the question, and he nodded.

"There are a few methods..." he began. "A colleague of mine worked out an algorithm to track powerful demons".

Balthazar was the one the hunters in Castiel's acquaintance turned to whenever they needed someone tech-savvy. By now, he had changed his name and fakes his death so often that no one knew who he'd really been once, just like he wanted; and a few years ago, when Castiel had been working a case of several crossroads demons at once, he'd helped him greatly.

Unexpectedly, Castiel felt the urge to contact him. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about all of this, someone who was human, someone he had known for some time. But what was he supposed to do? Call him and start talking about angels? While Balthazar was a hunter, he might find that rather difficult to swallow, and even if he did – they weren't friends. Castiel didn't have any friends.

Even though his traitorous mind chose this moment, when Dean leaned over his shoulder to look at the program on his laptop, that he might just be making one.

No. Dean had a mission. Castiel was his charge. That was all.

"You're all so creative" he breathed in awe. "We – feel things. No them because we are created this way. But you... You have to find ways for yourself – it's beautiful".

"If I remember correctly, you were rather unhappy about the names we picked for angels" Castiel said and only realized a moment later that he was teasing him.

Teasing Dean.

As if they were friends.

As if...

"Yeah, but you have to admit, they're pretty... out there". Dean glanced at him. "Do you mind?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"That there's no angel named like you".

It had stung, and it still did, a little. His mother had been so adamant, so happy in her belief that angels existed and that she had two of her own.

On the other hand, he could see why names like Castiel and the others Dean had mentioned weren't being used.

He shrugged.

"It's not like I really expected angels to exist to begin with" he said, turning his head.

It was a bad decision. Dean was closer than he had thought; their faces were at the same height, only a few inches from one another; and for a second, he believed the angel glanced at his lips –

Dean straightened up, clearing his throat in a once more surprisingly human moment.

"Well, and what do these squiggles tell you?"

Castiel swallowed. To feel disappointed would mean giving himself too much importance in the great scheme of things.

He pointed at the screens.

"Lightning storms in Arizona. Far too many and too centred for this time of the year".

Dean nodded. "So demons are near?"

"It's likely" Castiel said. "We should – "

The next moment, he was sitting in his car, in front of another motel, Dean next to him.

He looked around, confused.

"Where – "

"Right in the middle of the hot zone" the angel answered cheerfully.

Castiel sighed, lettings his head sink into his hands.


	5. Chapter 5

"I don't get why you're upset. We needed to get here – "

"Not immediately, and a warning would have been nice!"

"Of course immediately, what part of "Apocalypse" didn't you understand – "

If his after-after life hadn't proven to be so complicated, Castiel might have spared some time to wonder when he had come to bicker with an angel about teleportation in his car in front of a motel right in the middle of nowhere.

And why said angel was pouting now.

Pouting.

"Look, we have to move fast. You know that".

"You know what? Fine" he said tiredly, looking out of the window.

Dean sighed. "I apologize if I violated some kind of human code by just zapping you somewhere when we could have taken your ugly car and driven for hours".

"My car is not ugly".

"Whatever you say".

Castiel exited the car and closed the door with more force than strictly necessary. Dean, of course, chose to appear next to him instead of getting out of the Lincoln.

Stupid as it was, Castiel gently touched the car's door as an apology.

Dean winced; he was surprised. He hadn't thought the angel would notice.

"Sorry, I forgot. Anyway... Check in. Room's 213 is free".

He vanished and Castiel guessed he was in the room now.

He looked at his car and sighed. While he admitted that being transported to his destination without losing time was practical, he couldn't help but feel that he had been cheated of a drive. He'd always loved driving; and maybe, if Dean had ridden shotgun, he would have seen that his car wasn't so bad, really, especially when it was dark outside and they were the only people (angel, but who cared) around, music softly flowing through the speakers...

He shook himself out of it and went to book the room.

The receptionist wasn't surprised when he requested the room, and he wondered if Dean had somehow influenced the man's mind. It was a disconcerting thought, and one he chose not to entertain.

Apparently he was ready to hope that a supernatural creature had done nothing to humans now rather than find out.

Dean was sitting on the bed, bouncing lightly up and down, they way a little kid would.

"Do you sleep?" Castiel asked suddenly, surprisingly, realizing he didn't really know much about him at all.

"No, never needed to" Dean said, grinning. "Don't need to eat, either".

"You seem to enjoy it quite well for that".

"It's pie, man. Everybody loves pie".

Castiel just shook his head.

Dean took his laptop out of his bag casually, as if he had a right to, and Castiel let him. He supposed he had; after all he had got him out of Hell.

"So..." he mumbled, pressing a few buttons. He had got the hang of the program remarkably easy, perhaps because he had an angel and not a human mind, would probably already have killed Lilith if he didn't need Castiel to get rid of the sigils she protected herself with.

"This doesn't really allow us to zero in on her, but still – she has to be around here somewhere".

"Can we be sure it's her?"

Dean shook his head. "No. But it's a powerful demon at least".

"What would she even do here?" Castiel asked. They were in a small town, not exactly so little as to be easily overlooked on a map, but still rather inconspicuous.

"She could be taking a vacation" Dean suggested. Castiel stared at him.

"Some demons like to just possess people and terrorize their families. It has happened before".

Castiel didn't like the angel's flat tone of voice as he explained what demons did to humans, but he supposed one human less on the world wouldn't be important to a being who had watched the world being created.

It was easy to forget that Dean was so much older than him, with his demeanour that sometimes seemed to proclaim him little more mature than a ten-year-old; but he was a warrior; he had fought wars, he had looked upon human kind, he had saved Castiel.

"What do you think the demons are doing in the meantime? Waiting for another Righteous Man to show up in Hell?" he inquired.

Dean nodded. "Probably. We cannot look after them all. There are more Righteous Men on earth than most believe".

Castiel wanted to point out that they hadn't look after him at all, certainly not before he went to Hell, but didn't. Dean was following the orders he'd been given. It wasn't his fault. Castiel's choice to sell his soul had been his own.

"Actually, it makes sense that she'd take a vacation now" he mused. "Disappointed and all that".

"Do angels ever take vacation?"

"We do God's work. We don't have time".

He sounded almost guilty as he said it, causing Castiel to suspect that Dean took enough time to enjoy himself (indeed, it was rather difficult to imagine having to eat pie while serving God), and he simply nodded.

It wasn't Lilith.

They found out after they had bought groceries – Castiel insisting that, although demons were at large, he still had to be prepared. He'd had close calls with the law often enough to know the worth of a small stack of nourishment at hand. Of course, this time he had had to buy pie ("It's apple pie, Cas. You don't walk by apple pie". "I assure you it's a completely normal occurrence. I do it on a regular basis". "Caaaaaaaaaas..." And he did buy the pie, if only because people were already beginning to stare).

He was putting the groceries in his car when Dean stiffened next to him.

"They've broken the sigils" he exclaimed.

"What?" Castiel asked. "Why?"

Dean closed his eyes and seemed to listen to something in the distance.

"No idea. Maybe an inexperienced demon did it; it doesn't take much". He opened his eyes. "We gotta go. Now".

And before Castiel could ask why he still had to go with Dean, they stood in front of a house.

Sadly, even as he opened his mouth to demand an explanation, not at all sanguine that he would receive one, the demons attacked.

Later, Dean would explain that it had been a powerful demon, but a "particularly stupid one, no idea why he wasn't dead yet" and that his entourage had just attacked when they had seen the Righteous Man, in the hope of returning him to Hell.

Dean was quick, but not quick enough, and Castiel only managed to shoot rock salt at one of the demons before he felt hard fingernails ripping open his right cheek.

"Cas!"

Bright light blended him, and he knew that the demons were meeting the same fate the vampires had not long ago.

When he opened his eyes again, he was in his motel room, and his cheek was still bleeding.

Dean was furious, and it took him a moment to realize that the angel was angry at himself, not at Cas.

The pain made him slightly dizzy, and he idly asked himself if the demon had cut down to his teeth when Dean stepped forward and lay a hand on his unharmed cheek.

Castiel stood still, staring into his eyes, his heart beating fast. Warmth spread threw him and the pain was gone.

Dean dropped his hand.

"Sorry about – shouldn't have – anyway, see you, Cas".

He vanished.

Castiel was left behind, utterly confused as to what had just happened.

* * *

He often came here, to the silent dock at the lonely lake, whenever his duties allowed him to and he wasn't in the mood to check out more of the humans' inventions, like the latest movies.

Right now, he needed... what, exactly? He had no idea.

He had been chastised, threatened that his charge would be taken away from him; rightfully so, though. He had taken the orders – no, no, worse, he had interpreted them, interpreted them when no angel should do so, when no angel had the right to, and he had risked Cas' life. He had risked the Righteous soul he had only just saved, and through little merit of his own at that.

_He stumbled back, his right wing burning, Hell fire and Grace in constant battle between healing what was left and destroying the very essence if Dean's being; with a cry of pain that he was sure could be heard by all his siblings he attacked the demon and managed to smite it._

_He turned around but didn't see Sam. The possibility that he was dead occured to him and caused him more pain than it should have; he knew the bond he and Sam shared was too strong, ridiculous for angels, but they had fought at each other's sides through millennia, and he sometimes wondered if it affected them that their vessels had been brothers._

_Most likely it only affected him. Sam was a good, strong angel, other than Dean._

_And yet he prayed._

Please, father, don't let him be dead.

_Another demon attacked, but this one proved no problem for him._

_He had to find the Righteous Man, had to save his soul before it blackened, scourged in eternal flames._

_He didn't know where he was. He had often fought demons, but never in Hell; this was no place for angels; he frantically prayed for guidance as he made his way through blood and fire and the screams of tortured souls, stopping a moment when he recognized Richard, slain. Despite his haste, he couldn't help muttering a farewell prayer over his empty vessel before continuing his search._

_There – among the glistening heat, hot enough to cause his Grace discomfort – there, almost out of even his senses' reach – there was a light. The brightest, most comforting light he had ever seen and he knew from the joy that sang within his Grace that he had found teh Righteous Man. He was not too late. His soul was still intact, whole, pure. He could save him._

_He spread his wings and flew towards it, not regarding the howling demons that launched themselves at him._

_He knew which one awaited him with teh Righteous Man._

_Alastair. Their best torturer. The one chosen ti corrupt humanity's most beautiful soul._

_He wouldn't succeed._

_Dean moved forward, he saw the rack, saw the soul, heard his cries, but strangely, there was no sign of Alastair –_

_He touched the soul, burned his mark upon the Righteous Man so the demons knew that he was not and would never be Hell's, and flew upward, grasping it gently, even as he screamed._

Castiel Novak is saved.

He had almost overlooked that spark, that glimmer, and their Father alone knew what would have happened if he had.

Cas, burning. Cas, lost beyong redemption. Cas, a demon.

He shuddered even as he didn't understand why. Maybe because it had been so close. Close enough for his superior to reprimand him sharply.

" _Your orders were to stay behind and guard the outer circle with Sam"._

_Dean flinched against his better knowledge._

" _I didn't expect Sam to follow my orders"._

_He had never understood why their superior regarded Sam in such a bad light. He was clearly the better angel between the two of them._

" _They broke through our ranks" he said calmly. "We were worried that the mission would fail..."_

" _It is not your task to be worried. You have to followthe orders you are given"._

_Dean looked down. John was right, of course. They had to follow orders; every soldier had to; what would they be if they defied those above them? Yet what he and Sam had done had come very close to it; very close; and it was only right that he should endure John's displeasure._

" _And then, once you disobeyed – the chaos, your haste to – " John broke off, too disgusted to continue, and Dean took a few long breaths. Even though he didn't need it, he found the effect on his vessel soothing._

" _You risked the mission. You could have ruined everything. You still could. The only reason you are not released from your charge is because he seems to trust you. Do not forget that, Dean. Guard the Righteous Man well"._

" _I won't" he promised, and left. The next moment, although he didn't know why, he was helping Cas with a nest of vampires._

They had almost ruined the plan. Of course John had been angry. But Dean still could not be sorry. Not when he looked at Cas and remembered his bright soul.

What was going on? What was happening to him? Earlier, when he had healed Cas... the warmth of his soul, but also that of his body – he had _felt_ it – felt as he had never felt anything before – sharper, stronger –

"Dean, what do you think you are doing?"

He wasn't surprised to find Sam standing behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hi Sammy" he said without turning around.

"It's Sam".

He wondered if his brother knew with what little force he insisted on his proper name being used, or whether he was only imagining it and he really minded.

"Why are you not with your charge?"

Dean was silent.

"Dean..."

"What?" he interrupted him, irritated, not understanding the frustration coursing through his – his Vessel's veins.

These were _human_ emotions. These were _emotions_.

Angels were warriors, soldiers. They were not supposed to experience things like impatience or – or –

He believed it was something lie brotherly affection he felt when he looked at Sam – not in the angelic sense, not as they were bidden to care for their brothers and sisters (he could already hear the reprimand John would have given him if he knew he made a difference how he viewed his siblings based on the vessels they had taken – that he differentiated between them at all); no, in the human sense of fraternal love, that strong feeling that had driven many humans to commit acts of unspeakable bravery as well as terror; and he was ashamed even as he felt it, for he was sure Sam would have been disgusted if he told him.

His (and he shouldn't be thinking it) favourite brother was a great soldier, a good angel.

Everything Dean wasn't.

Sam looked at him with something he wanted to see as concern written on his face.

"You did right, Dean. You saved him".

"I shouldn't have" he replied quietly. "Our orders – you remember them".

"Yes, and the demons were close to breaking our ranks. We had to react."

"We should have regrouped."

"But we didn't."

Sam studied him and took him by surprise when he added, "I was worried when I didn't see you."

Dean wanted to ask; the question was, as humans put it, at the top of his tongue; but anyone could have been listening. And the look in Sam's eyes spoke for itself.

He could have meant that he had been worried about the mission, and he certainly wished that anyone who happened to eavesdrop did so; but what he truly meant was that he'd been worried about Dean.

As Dean had been worried about him.

Dean stayed calm, lest he should accidentally project something on the angel radio as he recalled the times they had watched the stars together; witnessed the humans build a new city; fought side by side.

Dean had believed that often, Sam had simply had had no reason or orders to leave his side.

Yet perhaps it had been his choice to stick around, as it had been Dean's.

Maybe he wasn't alone in his – inclination towards human feelings after all.

He cleared his throat.

"Castiel Novak is safe. I left him in his motel room, guarded by protective sigils".

These weren't words he would usually use; the longer time he had spent exploring earth, the more colloquial his speech had become; and he saw through a brief flash of Grace in Sam's vessels eyes that he comprehended Dean had understood.

He gave him a small smile.

"Take care of your charge, Dean". He couldn't help but notice the difference between him and John's tone as they told him to.

"You know how to find me".

After Sam had vanished, he reflected that that was true; they had always known how to find each other. Except for that one, frightening moment in Hell.

Take care of your charge.

He intended to do just that. Any... human feelings he could ignore. They had to prevent the Apocalypse, and he had to protect Cas.

He couldn't allow himself to be distracted.

* * *

Cas was still sitting on the bed. Dusk had fallen; he would have to turn on the lights soon; yet he was sitting still, staring at the wall.

He could still feel Dean's hand on his cheek and was angry at himself for it.

It was just because no one had touched him in a long time, he told himself; not like this, not... almost intimately. Dean had only healed him. That was all. Although –

He tried to believe Dean didn't know the significance of a lingering hand on another's cheek, but the angel had shown so profound a knowledge of the human world for that.

And yet. He hadn't meant it like that. He couldn't have.

He was an angel. And Cas...

He had still trouble believing that he should be the Righteous Man, destined to stop the Apocalypse. He had saved a few people, it was true; but he had failed others; he had lived a lonely life, devoid of even the slightest semblance of love and companionship since his father had left.

What had Dean's existence been like? How many battles had he fought, how many human lives had he watched? Why should Castiel be special to him?

He shook himself out of his reverie and called Adler.

"There have been a few storms this year that could be called "apocalyptic" but other than that, I have nothing" he drawled.

Castiel told him about Lilith and the seals.

"I'll try to find what I can on those seals. Maybe they'll provide a clue... Speaking of which, how's your angel doing?"

"He's not my angel".

"Close enough. What has he told you exactly?"

Castiel explained it to him.

"That's not much, is it. Can you trust him?"

"I'm touched by your concern" Castiel quipped.

"Don't be. I'm not worried about you; I'd only rather not have the world end".

Adler hung up.

Castiel put down the phone and sighed. He could always put out the call to other hunters; but what then? Tell them an angel had rescued him from Hell and that the end was near? Maybe a few would have believed him; he was known as a serious hunter who rarely made jokes; but to what end?

No, for now he would have to fight alone.

Not completely alone. With Dean.

He ignored his inner voice.

* * *

" **Despair not" she whispered. "He will bring us a new Righteous Man, He will take care of all."**

" **The next time we have to keep him where they can't find him" Alastair hissed.**

**He had been so close, the Righteous Man had been ready to take up the knife. He had felt it.**

**And then he would have begun to carve Castiel Novak into a new animal. He had potential; all hunters did; living a life of violence, often enough out of revenge or a similar reason, how could they not?**

**As to the first seal... In truth, he didn't care much whether it was broken or not. No matter what the Apocalypse brought, he knew where he belonged; in Hell; he was a natural torturer, had been for as long as he could remember, from the moment he had awoken under the hands of another demon, cursing, the last remains of his humanity twisted, burned, gone forever.**

**He knew he had been human once; he was not stupidly believing that demons had been created by Lucifer superior to human kind, a faith Lilith, although she knew, remembered the truth, nurtured.**

**No, he was aware they had been born out of hatred and contempt.**

**He didn't mind. It fit. It was the very reason why they were better than humans – everything that made them weak had been taken from demons.**

**He never wondered about himself, who he had been, whether he had been a so-called "good" man who'd made the mistake of selling his soul; he knew he was blessed, knew he had found his calling, and it was enough.**

**Maybe it was because of this that he was so angry Castiel Novak had escaped. The angels had robbed him of his greatest triumph yet.**

**He had slipped into the shadows when he heard him coming; no matter how fast he was, the angel could still smite him with a touch, and he had no holy oil to defend himself with.**

**But he had watched, oh, he had watched, as his charge, crying, screaming, begging, was taken off the rack – and how close, how close he had been to get off voluntarily – and propelled towards earth and his body.**

**He remembered the angel. He would recognize him anywhere.**

**Once they had won, he would take his time with him, teach him not to steal his property. He would burn those wings, taint this Grace until a new race was born, the angel not fallen out of punishment but pain, not desire but tears; and Alastair could dwell in Hell, his dominion, while Lilith and Lucifer ruled the erth.**

**He didn't ask for much. His desires were simple.**

**He just wanted, needed to torture someone, anything.**

**And Castiel Novak and his angel...**

**They would make exquisite subjects.**

**He had wandered off, not caring for another one of Lilith's sermons; now he heard her calling for him. He smiled. He knew what it meant.**

* * *

Days passed. He didn't hear from Dean, and he hadn't expected to either – at least that was what he told himself.

But despite his best attempts to convince himself, he soon found that he was continuously listening for the rustling of wings behind him, and that eventually led to another discovery.

He had returned from a simple salt and burn; it was late; and unbidden, the question what Dean was doing popped into his mind.

The next thing he knew, the angel stood before him.

"You're dirty".

Castiel self-consciously fingered his jacket. Of course he was dirty. He had been working.

"I was digging up a body" he explained, even though he didn't want to.

"What are you doing here?" he added almost as an afterthought.

Dean stared at him.

"You prayed for me".

"I didn't".

"Yeah you did. Do you really think I don't recognize a prayer when I hear it?"

Castiel blushed when he realized that his innocent question what Dean was doing had been mistaken for a prayer and that a certain... fervour must have accompanied it, otherwise Dean wouldn't have made the mistake.

"I was just… you haven't checked in for a few days and I..." he stopped, cringing. He sounded like a teenager with a crush. Again.

Dean was obviously puzzled, but suddenly smiled understandingly.

"Like I get when I haven't see Sam in a while, I understand".

Castiel almost laughed when the angel interpreted his desire to see him so innocently; but he wished he was right; how much easier it would have been if he could have seen the Dean as a brother and not as...

He looked away from the green eyes he'd come to know so well in such a short period of time.

He mumbled "Something like that" or a similar lie, and Dean seemed content to believe him.

"I didn't come because I got nothing to tell" he explained.

Castiel nodded and was surprised when, instead of disappearing, Dean sat down on his bed as if he belonged there.

Castiel blushed at the thought, but Dean either didn't notice or didn't care.

"How have you been?"

It was a strange question out of the mouth of an angel, Castiel shrugged.

"I have been working".

"Geez, Cas, you should have more fun".

"Says the "soldier of God"" he reminded him.

"I know how to have fun – you should go to the movies once in a while" Dean suddenly said.

Castiel blinked.

"What?"

"Movies! They're great! We should totally catch a Star Wars marathon one of the these days – after we deal with Lilith, of course".

And now Castiel was definitely not thinking about going on a movie date with Dean after he had dealt with the Apocalypse.

Great. Just great.

Dean winced and brought his right hand up to his head.

"Dean!?"

"Something's happening" he muttered and was gone.

Castiel was once again left behind, confused, still wondering about that date Dean had proposed –

_Not a date. Not a date. He doesn't know what he's saying._

He wasn't left to ponder where he'd gone for long, the angel appearing exactly on the spot he'd left a minute later.

Castiel knew something must have happened; it was written on his face.

"What is going on?"

Dean looked him right in the eyes as he replied, "They broke the first seal".


	7. Chapter 7

"What? How?"

"They must have found another Righteous soul – and this one did give in".

"So quickly?" Castiel asked before he remembered that time moved differently in Hell.

He felt like an old man, and he was still only thirty-one years old.

And he could easily believe that Alastair could break someone quickly.

He had been closer, very close indeed to giving up; and if Dean hadn't rescued him when he did...

"What now?"

Dean's face was grim.

"Now we cry and stop them from breaking the other seals. It ain't gonna be easy".

"The seals... do we have any idea which ones they'll try to break first?"

"That's what I meant with the it not being easy part".

Castiel took a deep breath and closed his eyes, thinking about everything for a minute. It had always helped him during hunts and it helped him now.

"The seals. Tell me what they are."

"But I told you – there's over three hundred of them –"

"Demons – they were human once, right?"

Dean nodded slowly.

"So their thoughts processes were initially humans too. I might be able to figure out which they would choose to break first".

Dean looked away, and Castiel's heart sank.

"You don't know what they are?"

"It's not my job" Dean mumbled.

"Can you find out?"

"I'll try" he promised.

Castiel blinked and he was gone; but in the next moment he appeared in front of him again and shoved several pages into his hands.

"John understood. He told me. I wrote as quickly as I could. I never did that before" he beamed, and Castiel wished his child-like enthusiasm wasn't so adorable.

Dean was looking at him expectantly, and Castiel shook his head.

"Give me some time".

"Of course, sorry. I'm still not used to how slow you all are".

He tried not to feel slightly hurt, especially since Dean seemed oblivious that he'd insulted – well, humans.

While he was reading, Dean sat down on his bed and soon started making popping and hissing noises to pass the time.

"Do you mind?" Castiel asked, irritated.

"No, I don't mind" he replied, but this time Castiel could tell his innocence was an act.

"Dean, I'm trying to concentrate here – "

"Fine, fine, I'll go and... do some research on my own".

Castiel angrily shook away the feeling of loss he experienced, and started to read the list in earnest.

Good God. These seals had obviously been created when the earth had been young; some he simply didn't understand.

What was Cleansing _the earth of those who sinned in actions, but not in thoughts?_

And what was the _Rising of the Witnesses_?

He would have to ask Dean when the angel returned. Then again, maybe he could – pray? If Dean could hear him when he thought about him –

He blushed. That was not a pleasant thought at all.

"Dean?" he tried speaking out loud. His father had been a religious man, but as Castiel had grown disillusioned with him, so his interest in Christianity apart from the knowledge he needed for his job had waned. He hadn't prayed in a long time.

_Dean, I need your help._

"Yes?" he asked casually, and Castiel jumped.

"Look, if you're just going to scream and jump and scare, there are things I need to do – "

"Can't you call before you appear?" Castiel snapped.

"No, I can't".

"Why?"

"No phone".

Of course not. Castiel took a few deep breaths and reminded himself there were more important things at hand.

"These seals... I don't know what some of them are".

"Of course. Sorry, my fault. Didn't realize it's been a while".

"How long ago were they created, anyway?"

"Longer than you can imagine".

"You could just say you don't know".

"It's not my fault I'm one of the youngest angels" he mumbled, and Castiel decided that he should probably not bring up that he behaved rather like one of the youngest humans the hunter had met. Not when they were discussing the Apocalypse.

Sadly, it soon became clear that many seals could be broken next since some didn't even require much effort (if there was something Castiel had seen too often, it was the blood of innocents being spilled or "darkness descending upon a city" – some of these descriptions were certainly vague enough).

"Why would there even be seals in the first place?" Castiel finally asked, annoyed. Dean looked scandalized at the question, and he shook his head to show he didn't need an answer.

"Dean" a voice said behind them and Castiel reeled around, unconsciously attempting to push Dean behind him, not succeeding of course because the angel was stronger than him and equally intent on shielding Castiel himself.

The intruder chuckled and, from behind Dean's shoulder, feeling rather undignified, Castiel looked at a tall mamn with almost shoulder-long hair, mustering them with something akin amusement.

He divined from Dean's relaxing his posture that he must be looked at Sam and stepped forward, feeling strangely self-conscious.

"Sam" Dean greeted his brother (brother, right? He saw him as a brother? They were siblings, like all angels, apparently. Why did he even care?)

"Dean" He looked from him to Castiel. "Castiel Novak".

He held out his hand, a formality Dean had never thought necessary, and indeed it had been so long that anyone had even thought of shaking his, that Castiel needed a moment to rfecollect himself before greeting Sam appropriately.

The angel held on and gazed earnestly into his eyes.

"The Righteous Man."

Dean couldn't understand that he suddenly felt the need to push himself between his brother and Castiel. If there was someone he could trust with the bright soul he had saved, it was Sam.

And yet...

Why were they standing so close? Did Dean and Cas do the same? And why did it matter anyway?

He suddenly understood why humans cleared theior throat in such situations and did.

Sam shot him a strange look as he let go of Cas' hand.

Cas had no idea what was going on between the angels, so he said, "I understand you were part of the time that saved me too. Thank you".

"No need to thank me. It was Dean."

"Cut it out, Sammy", Cas... friend? Was that what they were? Freidns? Grumbled, shiffling his feet.

"You did" Sam said so earntesly that Castoel couldn't help but like him.

Dean seemed to think that his saving Castiel was fulfilling a mission he had been sent out to, yet he had been reprimanded by his superior because he hadn't been fats enough; and more often than not, he seemed to feel guilty about it. Sam gave credit where it was due.

Even thought he had come to the conclusion that the angel s calling each other "brothers" and "siblings" didn't mean the same as it did to humans (a brief thought of Gabriel asking for him to understand as he walked out their door flashed through his mind) he couldn't help but notice that Sam and Dean, physical appearance notwithstanding, could easily have been taken for brothers. Maybe it was because their vessels had been realted, even though one could hardly tell by their looks; but they were clearly comfortable in each other's presence, far more so than Castiel was around most zhumans.

Or Dean, his treacherous mind supplied.

"Why are you here, Sammy?"

Dean really did give those he cared for nicknames; Castiel wouldn't have imagined an angel to aloow it, but Sam acted as if it was normal behaviour, which it probably was.

"The first seal has been broken".

"We noticed, but thanks for the information".

Sam shot him a dirtier look than Castiel would have believed an angel capable of.

"Don't you think it's strange?"

"What do you mean?"

"That we succeed and yet the demons win."

"They haven't won, not by a long shot."

"You know what I mean."

Dean looked uncomfortable, but Castiel was lost. Sam found it strange that the demons had broken the first seal this quickly after all; but they were demons; shouldn't it be taken into accord that they must have had a backup plan –

And then he realized.

The angels had known he was being held in Hell; they had sent a team to rescue him; they had been perfeczly informed of what was goping on, that he had gone to Hell, that he was being tempted to pick up the knife, obviously even that he had yet to break; so why hadn't they known now?

Why hadn't they known now?

True, Dean had spoken of sigils that could keep angels away, but if it had been possible to shiled Heöö the demons would undoubtedly have done so long ago and Castiel would have been lost; so why hadn't the angels rescued this soul as well? Had they even attempted it? If so, wouldn't they have sent Sam and Dean again, who had been among those who had saved Castiel, albeit not according to plan?

Why had the seal been broken in the first place?

Dean shook his head.

"You're not saying what I think you're saying."

"Dean..."

"Sam."

"Maybe you're right" he relented, but Castiel couldn't help but feel that he was very aware what the hunter was thinking and that he hoped to make him remember his suspicions at a more appropriate time.

**He was waiting. Waiting for his vessel to be ready, for God's word to come true.**

**IOt wouldn't be long now. He didn't share the worries of some lesser angels; yes, a young angel was spending a lot of tuime with his vessel; it didn't matter; on the contrary; it kept his vessel compliant.**

**Castiel Novak would soon be ready to say yes, especially if an angel he trusted told him it was the only way. And Dean would. He had to obey, like all angels.**

**Even if his superior thought there might be problems.**

" **Dean is not a good soldier. He is too stubborn."**

**He sighed; John could be tiresome at times, for all his enthusiasm; yet he remained calm.**

" **He didn't obey my orders; he should have stayed back; he should never have rescued Castiel Novak."**

**It was true. Dean should not have been near the Righteous Man; and even if he should have stumbled upon him, it should have happened after he had spilled blood in Hell. Castiel Novak should have been the one to do it, his breaking the first seal should have caused him to feel crushing guilt, making him more eager to agree. But it didn't matter. Of course Hell had been clever enough to find another Righteous Man.**

" **Do not worry. Everything will end as it is foretold".**

" **But now Sam is there with him. And you know Sam".**

**Of course he did. But other than John, he believed they could easily use his rebellious nature to their advantage. Dean would be shocked at anything resembling true disobedience, he was too reliable an angel for any other reaction. Sam might have been a risk, but Dean would never take tzhe same path if he decided to fall.**

**John thought too much of their so-called friendship; angels weren't friends; they weren't kin; They were not brothers; he should know best; he had learned, learned as the one brother he had loved more than anyone else had fallen, disobeyed, rebelled, and he had been left with nothing after their Father had left,**

**Angels were soldiers. That was all they were. He would fulfil his Father's wished. He was strong, he was the best angel of them all.**

**The archangel.**

**Michael.**

**When the time came, castile Novak would be as good a vessel as he was meant to be. He would say yes, Lucifer would find his brother, and he and Micheal would fight, the fight he had feared and screamed against when he first heard it was to be his destiny but which he now eagerly awaited.**

" **Dean will help us convince Castiel."**

**John didn't seem to believe him, but he had no choice. In Heaven his word was law. And once he had slain Lucifer...**

" **Allow me to watch over them" John said. "I would feel more comfortable if we knew what they were doing at all times."**

**He was silent as he pondered the thought; on the one hand, it really could be an advantage in constant supervision; on the other, if Sam and Dean could feel the angel near them... They would have to be dealt with. And he would still rather have Castiel say yes voluntarily, and he wouldn't if they harmed his pet angel.**

" **Keep out of the way" he finally said.**

**John bowed his acquiesce.**

" **And if Dean, if either of them should disobey..."**

" **Act as you see fit" he answered.**


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel called Adler to let him know the news.

"So it's happening?" was all the other man asked.

"Yes."

"Oh well, I guess it had to end one way or another."

"I'm going to send you the list of seals."

"Please do."

They hung up.

Castiel had to admit that might have been their most amiable conversation yet.

During the next week, he was constantly on edge; but despite his or Dean's expectations, nothing happened.

For lack of anything better to do, he hunted, Dean occasionally dropping by to tell him that no seals appeared to inform him that, as of now, no seals seemed to have been broken.

He always left immediately afterwards, and Castiel was loathe to admit that it bothered him as much as it did; yet Dean's visits were the highlight of his days.

The angel was just so intense. He brought with him an aura of vitality, of being alive, that Castiel had thoroughly missed since his fun-loving brother had left; he always tried to make him laugh, often (too often, Castiel well knew, he shouldn't enjoy talking to him so much) with success, he kept referencing movies and TV shows that he had never heard of, promising that he'd eventually introduce him to them. Castiel's heart beat faster every time he did, though, since the movies and shows changed all the time, he probably didn't mean it, couldn't mean it, why would an angel, would someone like Dean, want to spend time with someone like Castiel? Dean, so good, so pure; Castiel, tainted by the fires of Hell, broken, jaded; if he had not been the Righteous Man, for reasons he couldn't understand, Dean would never have looked his way – not that Castiel wanted him to; it would be wrong to deserve an angel –

Castiel couldn't want Dean, because he would hate himself for it.

Just tor aise his thoughts to someone like him – anyway, he hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time, not for years before he went to Hell, his desires having been lost amidst the bloody necessities of his job, apart from teh fact that gew hunters had functioning relationships. He might just misinterpret the gratitude he naturally felt towards the being who'd saved him.

He had almost convinced himself that was so when he heard wings behind him and found Dean studying him. It happened and then that he appeared and just looked at Castiel, and the hunter feared this meant he was unconsciously praying for him.

"Hello, Dean" he greeted him, trying to appear unconcerned.

"Hey, Cas" he answered with his usual smile before growing serious, "Demon activity in Missouri."

Of course – the Apocalypse. Castiel was constantly forgetting that the end of the world was at hand when he was contemplation Dean; he couldn't afford to get distracted.

"More than usual?"

Dean nodded. "Problem is, we have have no idea what they're planning."

"Might be a trap."

"For whom?"

He shrugged. "Angels. You, Perhaps."

"Me? Why me?"

"You are teh Righteous Man, and you busted out. I can't imagine they are too happy with that."

Shivers ran down Castiel's spine. Strangely enough, he had never thought of someone following him and dragging him back.

He was out; It had been enough for him that he was, quite more than he deserved; and he had taken the nightmares, waking uo with shaking hands and memories that darted into his mind, unbidden and terrible at certain times, as a due punishment; but he had never thought of someone, of maybe Alastair himself, returning for him – despite Dean having told him that they needed him, or someone like him, to break the first seal.

And then, of course – they were demons. They needed no reasons to torture someone.

Why had he never considered the possibility? Of course he had taken the usual precautions he had grown up with, and had added a few herby against hellhounds; but these had been simply the old habits of an experienced hunter, not the actions of someone in fear for his life.

The possibility that he had simply felt safe being Dean's charge occurred to him. It brought him no comfort. Angel or not, attractive or not, he was still a creature, not human, and Castiel was a hunter. He should feel indebted to no one else for his safety. If anything, he should protect others... And even though he was Dean's charge – the angel was gone often. A demon could easily attack when he was off searching for clues.

Castiel would have to be more careful.

"No" he answered flatly, "I don't think they are."

Dean flashed him a grin.

"Don't worry too much; I'm still here. And there's Sam, of course."

Sam. He couldn't yet say how he felt about Sam; he hadn't see him since their first meeting; but Dean obviously trusted him, and Castiel had no reason to think otherwise. He still wondered about the warning he'd tried to give Dean, whether the other angels were truly helping the demons –

If so, their chances to stop the Apocalypse must be even smaller than eh'd realized at first. Naturally though, he couldn't just assume Sam was right. In his experience, angels were much more human than one would suppose; he could easily believe they could be paranoid. Although Sam seemed anything but.

"So?" Dean asked. "What do you say? We check it out?"

Castiel nodded and then, realizing, called out, "Wait!"

"What?"

"Could you please not teleport me again?" Castiel begged. While he admitted that it was practical, he didn't like the feeling of disorientation it brought. And if therer was a lot of demon activity, he needed his wits about him.

"Why?"

"I don't like it."

"Don't be such a sissy, Cas. Just because you don't – "

"And we don't know anything. We're not dashing anywhere until we know what's what."

The last time the demons had attacked them unexpectedly. He realized Dean remembered as well when the angel's eyes lingered on his cheek – where it had been ripped – and Castiel realized he'd made him feel guilty.

He hadn't meant to. He wasn't angry at him because of it – quite the opposite; he was angry at himself. He should have paid better attention.

Dean huffed, trying to appear unconcerned.

"Fine. And what do you suggest we do="

"They clearly had an idea we were coming the last time – they found us too quickly. You should only use your powers sparingly. There are more ways than flying to get somewhere, and we're only a few hours from Missouri."

He only realized what he'd done when Dean grinned.

"Alright, then. Road trip it is."

"Just for the record, I still hate your car."

"How nice of you to remind me" Castiel remarked drily. "I certainly would have forgotten otherwise."

It was the third time in an hour Dean had made a similar remark, probably not used to time passing as he travelled, and Cas' fingers gripped the steering wheel. He didn't understand; of course the angel wouldn't understand; but no matter how ugly it was or how poorly it worked, the car was still the one place Castiel had always felt safe, the one home he'd always had; and he was growing agrier and angrier.

"Woah, Cas, lay off the pressure. Your kind's too fragile" Dean commented, eying his hands.

"I cand rive my car how I damn well plase" he shot back, feeling vulnerable.

"I never said you couldn't" Dean replied, obviously confused, and Castiel grit his teeth, reminding himself that he would not consider something so unimportant as a car valuable.

Strangely, though, Dean seemed to come to a conclusion of sorts; his eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and he turned away, rolled the window down – with the child-like enthusiasm he usually showed when he did something new to him, Cas noted, so he might not have had anything against his refusal to let himself be teleported in the first place – and said, "It's not that bad. I mean, it's not wings, so it's rather slow, but I get why humans are fond of driving."

Castiel accepted it as the offer it was and said nothing.

During the last few visits, he'd had the feeling that Dean was getting better at picking up his moods and changes thereof; at first, there had always been a slight hesitation, as if he was trying ti make himself understand that a human simply couldn't see things as an angel did, confusion as to why Castiel would consider such strange things important when the Apocalypse was looking; now he usually realized quickly that he had said something that rubbed Castiel the wrong way, and reacted accordingly.

It had nothing to do with him specifically, of course; Dean was simply coming to a better understanding of humans in general, owing to more and closer contact with one of their species, even if it was only Castiel, and yet, to watch him grow more human... it touched the point within him that Castiel was determined never to think about again.

So he remained silent. A few minutes later, Dean switched on the radio and played around with the buttons until he found a rock station.

Castiel didn't protest, mainly because it was difficult enough to concentrate on driving with Dean next to him, humming along, his head bobbing up and down.

Three hours later, they arrived.

In the meantime Dean had carefully explained several plans and exit strategies in case something went wrong; all of them involved Castiel sneaking in first for a specific reason.

"First of all" he repeated again and again, "you have to find the sigils they put up against angels." He showed him the ones he ahd drawn on a piece of paper again – or would have, if Castiel hadn't refused to take his eyes of the road for the hundredth time.

"Then I'll come and help you. For now, we only want to know what they're up to. You were right."

He continued to teach Castiel several sigils in case things "didn't go well". Castiel was thankful even though he hoped he wouldn't have to use any of them.

He didn't.

Nevertheless, he found that his mission only complicated matters.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean didn't like this, not at all, but he had no choice. The last time the demons had seen them and just attacked, and it might very well happen again; and since they could smell an angel from miles away, he had to stay behind in the motel on the other side of town while Cas snuck in and got rid of the sigils, so that he could at least help out in case things went awry.

And they very well might. But what was he supposed to do? True, he could have asked John...

Sam's words still gnawed on him. He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. Sam, although he was a great and deserving angel, had always been prone to have strange ideas; but this – this doubt was alarming.

They had fought under and alongside John for millennia; how could he think that he – how could he think that any angel would work for the destructions of their Father's creation through their own brothers?

It didn't make sense. The Apocalypse had to be stopped; John had told him they were trying to stop it; what more was there to know?

It troubled him that Cas had listened to Sam's suspicions, and not only listened, but seemed to believe him; if the Righteous Man didn't trust them, how could they win?

He shifted uncomfortably on Cas' bed. He wasn't used to sitting around and waiting without an idea what he should do; even in Hell he had been given the task of guarding the outer ring; there had been something to do, now he was waiting, only waiting, while Cas was out there.

He would have asked himself why their Father had allowed demons to discover sigils against angels in the first place if it hadn't been close to blasphemy.

"You should calm down."

Sam, normally a welcome guest, shocked him with the understanding in his eyes. He didn't even comprehend what his brother understood.

"I am calm." He was always calm, as befit his rank. He often flew to earth to enjoy himself; he had fought countless battles; but he had never lost control of his emotions.

Sam snorted.

"Dean, I could feel your uneasiness – and I was in Belarus."

That was alarming. If he was easy to read on the angel radio –

Then what? What was his problem? He was serving Heaven as best as he could; why should he worry that he could be heard?

Because he knew that what he was doing with Cas – chasing after demons, constantly telling him what he had or hadn't found – was not exactly what he'd been told to do.

It wasn't not what he'd been told to do, either, but that was beside the point.

Cas was his charge. He was supposed to protect him, not risk his life.

But Cas was clearly wanted to help; he was the Righteous Man, he had been born to do God's work. Surely, if Dean helped him, he didn't go against their Father's will? John would understand, after all, he'd been angry that he'd not saved Cas quickly enough – and Dean was just looking out for Cas.

That was all.

"Better" Sam commented and Dean shoved him, half thankful and half annoyed.

"Cas?"

"He's there now."

"You're worried." Sam calmly stated, and as always his brother's habit to freely allude to the differences between Dean and his siblings made him nervous. Which was another thing – he wasn't supposed to be nervous.

He suddenly wondered if he'd even called it being nervous before he'd started to spend so much time with Cas. He had been aware of the many emotions humans felt, of course; had even (again different, always different) imagined what it would be like to experience them, but whether or not he ever truly had –

Now, here he was, a nervous wreck, and all because of one human –

Only Cas wa snot just one human. He was the beautiful soul Dean had cradled as they flew out of Hell, the soul he'd left his mark on, unconsciously, without meaning to; he was the Righteous Man, God's warrior in the Apocalypse, the Chosen One; really, there was no reason why Dean had him as a charge in the first place. Yes, he had rescued him out of simple luck – but what other reason was there? Cas would have been safer with someone like Sam, with a good angel.

He forced himself to calm down. Sam was right, he was working himself up again.

Wait –

Sam was right? Had he really just thought that?

It felt like disobedience. It felt like rebellion.

Father, give me guidance.

"Dean – " Sam said, reaching out for him, but this time he would have none of it.

An angel like Sam could allow himself to dwell on such things, and angel who was strong and pure, who wouldn't give in to the temptation such thoughts brought; Dean, on the other hand... there was no knowing where this path might lead – and if he fell –

He stood up.

"You should go", he said coldly.

"Dean – "

"I know very well what I can share with our siblings, Sam."

The cold dismissal and especially the use of his given name wasn't lost on his brother.

But instead of the (perhaps justified) indignation Dean had expected he saw only pity in his eyes.

"I'll come back when you call."

"I won't" he replied shortly.

Sam said nothing.

A moment later he weas gone.

Dean felt... angry. What right did he have to come here, and talk like this? That way lay madness. And he had no one he could turn to – John wouldn't like it. And he didn't want Sam punished.

He wished Cas were here.

He closed his eyes and prayed.

Cas was acutely aware of being alone for the first time in his life.

He had often been alone before; he had never felt it.

But ever since he had returned to earth, there had been an angel who looked after him, an angel who could appear any minute.

Only he couldn't, now; Castiel was utterly alone and he felt it.

He could easily hold his own against a few demons, had done so on many occasions; but he had underestimated how much he'd grown used to the constant feeling of protection his acquaintance with Dean had brought. The angel had only ever been a prayer away.

If you want him here, go and find the sigils, he admonished himself.

He heard someone move in the room he had just passed and tensed; his grip on his bottle of holy water tightened. It should keep the demon distracted long enough for him to perform an exorcism, as it had countless times before. He had heard rumours about weapons that could kill demons; but aside from harbouring doubts whether they were true, Castiel didn't feel comfortable considering the possibility. He didn't want to kill possessed humans.

He had lost enough lives in the course of his career.

Dean, naturally, could and would kill the demons as well as the possessed; he didn't, couldn't doubt it; too often had Dean confirmed that he was a soldier and that fightings against demons was his duty.

The sounds stopped, the door remained closed, and he moved on.

He had found a few sigils as soon as he had entered the building, a long, grey, abandoned warehouse full of empty corridors and big halls, but after he had scratched away a bit of the paint, just enough to break the seal but so little that it wouldn't be obvious at a casual glance and prayed, he had realized there must be more, probably around the whole complex. He'd almost cursed, but remembered where he was and gone to find more seals. Thankfully, he'd developed a good sense of orientation out of necessity; otherwise he would have got lost half an hour ago.

Voices in front and slightly to his right. He moved noiselessly, ready to strike, keeping the sigils Dean had shown him in his mind. If he had to lay a trap, they would be useful, not only keeping the demon locked in, but sending him away and making it impossible for him to return for some time.

He moved closer and was soon able to make out words.

"There are still many seals left. We have to tread carefully."

Castiel had underestimated how it would feel to hear a demon's voice once more, not screaming or yelling, just talking, as he had heard them sometimes in Hell when he desperately tried to find something else to cling to than the pain; just them talking like humans yet not like humans at all, their voices retaining certain unnatural quality. Before he'd gone to Hell, he'd thought they sounded just like other humans. He had been wrong. He remembered Alastair's voice, the whispers, the taunts.

"According to what I heard, we might not have to take such care after all."

Another demon. He sounded smug.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that some of the angels are quite as anxious as we are for the Apocalypse."

"It would be good news if that were true" the other demon replied.

Here, for the first time, was confirmation, for what Sam had told them, even if it was only through rumours heard by a demon.

"They hoped he would break – he didn't, but of course we had already found another one that time. And why do you think the angels never rescued him? Do you really believe they knew nothing about it?"

"It seems unlikely, I give you that. But why do they keep attacking us, then? If they want to help..."

"That's because the lower angels don't you. One of the big guys – he works under Alastair, mind, and we all know Alastair takes orders from no one – he told me they still believe they are protecting God's work, and the higher ups let them. And then, of course, they need you-know-who..."

"Yeah, but do you really think he will agree? Or the other one will?"

"Oh, as far as I'm concerned, the angels will take care of that."

"Humans – they are so desperate to be good... and Alastair sure did a good job on him."

"Castiel couldn't doubt that they were speaking about him. But to what should he agree to? Furthermore, how were the angels supposed to make him agree? Dean surely would have told him if there was something expected of him –

But would he? The thought made him stop in his tracks. Dean, for all his human traits and preferences, was still an angel and clearly loyal to Heaven.

As to Sam, Cas was unsure, but it was certain that Dean was a good soldier and servant. If the demons were right – if Sam's suspicions were confirmed – if the angels had as of yet undisclosed plans for him – could he trust Dean? He had, perhaps, foolishly, contrary to his better judgement even then, trusted and believed him from the first, Dean had seemed so friendly, so human, so (for lack of a better word) good – and his feelings that were more and more resembling a teenage crush, he reluctantly admitted to himself, didn't help matters.

"We have to get back to work" the first demon hissed, interrupting his train of thought, "the witnesses shall rise tonight."

The rising of the witnesses, Castiel remembered. So that was what they were trying to achieve here. He debated shortly whether he should continue looking for the seals, but he had found what he'd come for – information.

He retraced his steps and ran straight into a demon. Before he could call out, Castiel poured holy water down his throat and left him writhing on the floor, knowing from experience that it hurt them most when ingested.

He ran, evading another demon who was coming to investigate the noises the first was uttering, and soon found himself on the street, praying.

In the next moment, he was in his room.


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel barely took the time to find his bearings before he said, "The rising of the witnesses." He hoped it was one of the seals Dean knew about; not all of them were too obscure for the younger angel (he would have smiled at the irony of anyone calling himself "young" who had witnessed the lives of Abraham and Job, if he hadn't thought it might upset my Dean).

And, indeed, he looked troubled. If Castiel had hoped for an explanation though, he had been mistaken; he simply vanished and Castiel was left alone before he could explain what else he had heard.

Perhaps it was just as well. He sat down heavily on the bed, remembering what he had overheard.

What was expected of him? Whatever it was, it couldn't be good, nothing demons wanted ever was. However, it still seemed incredible that, although angels wished to bring on the Apocalypse, the lower ranks didn't know about it; demons had heard rumours, so why not the angels themselves? Why not Dean? Unless he knew and kept it from Castiel on purpose... But then why work so closely together? He had to admit that the answer to this question was easy, at least: to gain his trust.

How often had he lied to witnesses, relatives of victims, to get information? And if Heaven wanted him to do something – something that (terrifying as the thought was) could possibly end the world – wouldn't it be logical to befriend him= To make him trust one of them? But then – they were demons, and why should he believe some rumours they had heard? Dean had rescued him from Hell and saved him again and again; surely he deserved the benefit of the doubt, at least. He could ask him. He would ask him. As soon as he returned.

"The Rising of the witnesses. It's the next seal they're going to break" Dean reported, excited.

"Are you sure?" John asked and Dean frowned. Of course he was. Castiel had found out, endangered his own life in the process; of course he believed him. Of course he was sure.

"Cas – tiel" he quickly corrected himself, before John could notice he had given the Righteous Man a nickname; he had still not forgiven him for calling Sam "Sammy" "overheard demons talking; they spoke about the ritual."

"And you believe them? Believe demons?"

"They didn't know he was there" Dean argued.

"So we're supposed to believe some low-life demon? Dean, we are currently searching for information, and if we find it, you'll be told all you need to know. Now explain to me why you sent Castiel Novak into a place full of demons in the first place."

Dean didn't have an explanation, other than he'd wanted to work the case, and of course Cas to be there with him.

"I – We needed to know."

"That is not an answer, soldier."

Dean managed not to flinch.

He knew this tone.

"I take full responsibility" he said as calmly as he could.

"As you should. And there will be consequences in due time. Return to your charge. For now."

He swallowed and left. He could hear the threat in those words; if he wasn't careful, Cas would no longer be his charge, he would no longer be able to protect him.

He cared little what they did then, where he was put. He had been on unimportant duty as a punishment often enough. If only he was a better angel. If only he was more like –

More like who? Sam had scared him with his accusations.

And yet Dean didn't understand. There was something... off about John's reaction; why didn't he make plans to attack the demons? Even if he didn't believe Cas, there was still a group of demons that needed to be fought.

Of course he wasn't wondering if Sam was right, because Sam couldn't be right. John didn't want the Apocalypse. The other angels didn't want the Apocalypse. Wrong. This was wrong. Dean was a failure, a perversion –

He didn't think when he felt the by now familiar longing, just flew to where he knew he was needed.

Cas was sitting on his bed, obviously angry, and Dean didn't understand why until he began to speak.

"What is going on?"

"The demons are planning to break the next seal" he answered matter-of-factly.

Cas huffed. "I know that. But you just... left."

"I had to inform my superior so that action could be taken."

"And what action will you take?"

Dean didn't like the doubt in his voice.

Perhaps because he was experiencing something similar...

He was – No, he wasn't doubting. He was... apprehensive. Because of the demons.

"We'll attack them" he said, because it was the only logical thing to do, even if John hadn't told him to. They had to strike before the demons completed the ritual.

Otherwise another seal would be lost.

Castiel sighed, realizing that Dean wouldn't, couldn't understand and tried to shove his irrational anger down. Of course Dean had wanted to consult his superior; it was just what Castiel would have done if his father had been around; and so he decided to call Adler to let him know what to focus on. After he'd explained to Dean what he was going to do (and the angel was apparently fascinated by the concept of a specialist you could call for help; Castiel had no idea how they handled such stuff in Heaven) he took out his phone and called.

Adler picked up immediately and without letting him time to say anything, Castiel announced "The rising of the witnesses." Adler was silent for a moment. Then, he replied, "Well, that makes matters easier, in a way."

"What do you mean, in a way?" Castiel demanded. He was too high-strung to be polite. Adler would understand, he was so rarely polite himself. "I have found quite a bit about that seal, so that's a plus; however, it's far from easy to deal with once it's been broken."

"Why?"

"Because the one who casts the spell raises the souls of those who have witnessesd the supernatural – and he can control them."

"To do what?"

"As far as I understand – anything the spell-weaver wants."

And Castiel understood. If demons had control over souls that were yanked out of their graves... He knew spirits. They were angry, desperate, dangerous because they had been denied the rest that should have been theirs afterlives, ready to attack – and if someone could control who they attacked...

"Your pal's right, that's not really good news" Dean interrupted his thoughts. "Which is why we're going to attack."

"I didn't know your angel was listening" Adler drawled. Castiel hadn't known either but was loathe to admit it, especially to him. "We're working" he hissed.

"I never said anything different." Castiel blushed. Dean threw him a strange look. The case, he reminded himself, think of the case.

"We're hoping to stop it in time."

"Please do; I've seen my fair share of cases gone wrong and I have no wish to have them haunt my house." Alder hung up without greeting. At least some things didn't change.

Castiel let the phone sink and looked at Dean. "He sounds kinda like my superior" the angel mused. "They have the same temper."

Then, either because he had criticized his boss or because he had insinuated an angel had the same feeling as a human, he coloured and changed the subject.

"Anyway, we – "

"Dean, Castiel, we have to act!"

Castiel was not surprised to see Sam, even if he couldn't say why.

Dean on the other hand, seemed angry.

"You were listening in on us, weren't you?"

Sam looked away. "You should know that you can trust me. I was following some demons. The rising of the witnesses – they are going to perform the ritual tonight."

Castiel swallowed as Dean tensed.

He really hoped Dean had meant it when he said the angels were going to attack.


	11. Chapter 11

"Dean?" Cas asked. Dean stood there, still staring at Sam.

This wasn't who he was. This wasn't what he had been trained to do, what he had been created to do.

He was supposed to follow orders, and while he had somewhat sidestepped them in his recent dealings with Cas, this would mean not even waiting for his superior, but making his mind up himself. He shrank away from the concept.

How could Sam be okay with this? He thought he knew his brother. How could he stand in front of him and look at him like this, obviously demanding that he take action?

The demons were going to break the seal. John hadn't done anything when Dean had told him, but maybe he was advancing towards them now. After all, he had made clear that Dean had acted against his wishes, and that he would most likely be punished for it in the future. Dean wouldn't have wanted a renegade angel in his ranks either.

"Dean, they're doing nothing", Sam insisted, "and someone has to. We are the only angels who will. Let's go!"

"But John – "

"John isn't going to do anything. John doesn't want to do anything. What does that mean? Think!"

Sam's theories. Sam's wild, crazy, inacceptable theories. And Cas there once more to hear it all. He didn't want Cas to think he could be right. Angels were warriors of God. Earth was God's work. They would never try to destroy God's work. Yes, it was written down; but what did that matter? They still had to protect what God had created.

Yes. They had to protect earth. They had to stop the demons.

But John –

But God –

He swallowed and looked at Cas and was shocked at how human he felt.

The hunter was looking at him, a plea in his eyes, and Dean knew what he was going to do.

"Alright", he said, unsure if he was already regretting his decision, "Let's do it."

Cas breathed a sigh of relief when Dean said they were going to act. This was too big; he couldn't take it on by himself; but with two angels at his side, he felt better already. Even though they probably didn't stand much of a chance.

"They probably moved, now their position is compromised – " Dean began.

"I know where they are" Sam explained, eagerly. "I keep an eye out."

"Of course you do", Dean muttered somewhat bitterly, although he had no right to criticize any member of his brethren.

Sam almost took a step back; he could see the hesitation, the pain in his eyes, and he was reminded again that he wasn't the only one who valued their relationship more than befit two angels.

Sam was his brother.

"Where are they?" he asked, and Sam relaxed.

"About three hundred miles from here."

Dean gave Cas a pointed look. The hunter sighed.

"I know, I know. Alright, we'll do it your way. Just let me grab some weapons first."

Dean nodded.

Cas left to get his stuff out of his terrible looking car, and Sam said, "We're doing the right thing."

He didn't know, but he prayed that it was true.

He still felt... wrong.

"I know it's scary. The start always is."

"This is not a start" he corrected him. "I'm not going to – I'm just doing what I consider best. This time. Because I see no other option."

He almost believed himself when Cas returned, looking determined.

"According to Adler, the ritual involved the sacrifice of two humans – that's easy enough, they had probably already taken them – "

"Or they just have two of them jump out of their meatsuits. Either way, it's too easy. They could do it any time. We have to leave now", Sam insisted. He knew Dean was still uncomfortable doing something that John hadn't approved of, and he wished he could make it easier for him; but this was something Dean had to go through on his own, as Sam had done, many years ago when he had first realized that humans possessed something angels didn't.

He had long despaired that he would ever get Dean to agree with him. Dean was his favourite brother; there was no point in denying it; the love he bore all of their father's creations, his unheard of enthusiasm for new experiences and his loyalty to Sam all ensuring that he valued him higher than any other sibling; but Dean would always be a soldier, follow his orders, obey without question.

At least he had thought so until Cas.

Sam was no fool; he recognized the signs of what Dean was going through immediately. There was doubt and... something else. He watched his brother's eyes follow the hunter. Definitely something else.

They would worry about that later, though. Right now, they had to save the world.

Of course the demons had angel-proofed the abandoned house they were hiding in again, and Cas had no choice but to quickly find the sigils and get rid of them. Thankfully, every demon was occupied in the main hall, so that he just had to be quiet.

It still took him half an hour to deal with everything, and with trembling fingers, lest they were too late, Cas scratched away the last sigil.

Dean should have known. Nothing good ever came out of disobeying orders.

And so they landed just as demons completed the spell.

He heard demons holler. There were more of them than they had thought. His first instinct was to go find Dean, but he was an angel; he was capable of looking after himself.

His job was to take care of the demons in this corridor. He had to focus.

Maybe he should have taken Sam's offer, but he still felt uncomfortable with the thought.

Cas knew they had failed when he felt the familiar touch of cold air on his skin.

A spirit.

He was trained to fight them, and yet he froze as he turned around.

He hadn't even known he was gone.

"Dad?"


	12. Chapter 12

His father looked like he had in life, like he had that day five years ago when he left Castiel behind.

"Castiel" he greeted him.

"Dad" he answered, refusing to let his gun drop. This might be his father; but he was still a spirit. And if what they had learned about the seal was true, he was dangerous.

 _Dean?_ He prayed. _Dean, a spirit's here._

He couldn't bring himself to tell him it was his father. He reached for the salt in his pocket, but it flew out of his hand. His father mustered him with cold eyes.

"I taught you well, Castiel, but you are still too slow." A wave and Cas flew against the wall, feeling his bones crunch. He clenched his teeth and got up, only for his father to punch him in the stomach.

"I know, Castiel. I know how pathetic you are." He hadn't expected anything different from the ghost, but his next words shocked him nonetheless.

"I know what you did. You were about to say yes. To give in. To give in to those monsters!

Another wall.

_Dean, I could use some help._

"Everything I taught you, and you sold your sould and would have turned into a demon, just like that!"

He tried getting up, but his father chocked him until he stayed down.

"Become a hell span. I thought I had raised a good another!" Another set of punches.

_Dean, a ghost. Please..._

He looked for his salt, but it was beyond his reach.

Dean hadn't considered the possibility that the demons would wait for them with holy oil. Just after they had appeared, after Cas had scrateched away the last of the sigils, the demons screamed, threw lighters on the ground, the flames went up, and they were trapped.

They had calculated the circles incredibly well, so that he and Saw were separated. Dean grit his teeth. Cas was out there, and they couldn't move –

Then he realized they were too late. He could feel they were closer to the cage being opened, just like all angels could, at this moment; he looked at his brother. Sam's face was grim. Dean's worries for Cas increased. But he couldn't think of that now. He was a soldier. He had to fight.

First of all, they had to get out of here. They couldn't fly away, but their powers were only muted, not gone. Now how –

The building had been long abandoned, but there, on the ceiling –

Cas' motel rooms had such things too. Sprinklers. Water. He caught Sam's eyes again. If they worked together –

"Look what we caught. Two pretty angels" Dean knew that tone.

Alastair. The one who'd tortured Cas in Hell. Dean had thought he hated demons before; but thinking of his charge under the hands and knife of this vile –

"Don't I know you? But of course! You're the one who took my hunter away before I was finished with him. How rude."

Dean forced himself to remain silent. Nothing could come of discussions with this abomination.

"What? So silent? Did your little friend tell you how he wept for me to stop?"

Stay calm. Don't give him what he wants.

"Or did he mention I almost had him? That he would have said yes, if you hadn't come? He would have made a great torturer. I made sure of that. He would have – "

"Shut up!" he screamed, "Shut up". He knew Cas' memories, knew he believed it himself, but his Cas would never have become a demon, his Cas, would never been like Alastair, like the most perverted soul Dean had ever seen –

Wait, his Cas?

There was a glimmer in Alastair's eyes that Dean Dean didn't like as he sneered. "Ah, that's how it is." And even though he had no idea what the demon meant, Dean knew this was how the humans who had been put on his rack must have felt –

As blasphemous as it was, looking at this corruption, he could feel nothing but – doubt. How could it be just that something like Alastair was allowed to touch humans, to mangle and bend and break their souls beyond repair? No one could deserve that. How could their Father have created Hell along Heaven and earth? No – It was wrong, it was wrong. Alastair was trying to make him doubt, Alastair wasn't misguided like Sam, he was evil, attempting to make him fall like Lucifer –

Alastair waved another demon, who immediately came to his side, the blind obedience making Dean cringe (and something called to him from the back of his mind, a half-forgotten thought, but he had no time to bestow on it).

"Our little friend can't be far, not with his saviour fighting the good fight. Find him and bring him here, would you? I'm sure the angels would love to see me continue my work.

No! No, anything, but that –

Cas was already in enough danger since the seal was broken, he realized.

He looked at Sam again and his brother's eyes darted upwards, just for a second, to show he had understood.

Dean began to concentrate on the sprinklers; it was a little bit like it must be for humans to wade through water, he imagined, but he could use his powers. And if he could, so did Sam, surely.

Come on, we need water, we need to quench the fire. Father, help me.

He could feel the sprinklers give way. The demons didn't know what was coming and howled in surprise and mortification. When it began to rain down and he felt himself free, Dean's first impulse was to get Alastair and make him suffer like he'd made Cas suffer, and only the knowledge that Cas needed him prevented him from doing so. He hadn't heard Cas' prayers in the circle but now, quite near –

He was still in the building –

A feeling of longing, of desperation –

A spirit –

Cas was in danger.

"Sam" he called out, and they were off.

Cas didn't know if his father – his spirit – was going to toy with him much longer or if he was going to kill him any second now.

The past few minutes, he hadn't attacked, but circled him like a hunter his prey, waiting for him to move; but countless lessons in his childhood had taught him to stay still. His father had acted just like this, then.

He wondered if he'd always hated him; at the same moment he realized he had never grown distant enough to consider him just another spirit now, although he had believed his father meant little enough to him after the last few lonely years. His whole body ached; he hoped there were no internal injuries. Where was Dean? Had they hurt him and Sam?

"I know what you're thinking". How often had he heard that, growing up? And his father had indeed known – known when he was doubting his orders, when he considered running away.

"Do you really still believe he helps you because he likes you?" the ghost hissed. "Are you vain enough to believe your blasphemous desires are reciprocated? He's using you, Castiel, just like the others are using you."

He wouldn't listen. This was his father's ghost, a soul ripped from the peace Castiel, despite everything, wished he had found, an attack dog, forced to torment, to kill. Dean had rescued him from Hell. And Sam had come to them with his suspicions.

He wished his father would attack. If he attacked, he could fight; but he was still hesitant to take the first step. And his salt was still lying in the corner.

There was a light iron chain in his pocket, but his father would undoubtedly wrench it from his grasp too.

Think. He had to think.

Was there anything that could help him? There; an old frame from on the wall that looked like iron; he acted as if he hadn't seen it, so that his father wouldn't notice. It was risky, but Castiel would have to let him attack him; otherwise he couldn't be sure that he would actually get his hands on him long enough to throw him against the frame. A ghost could easily slip his grasp unless he was ironically enough, trying to hurt him.

Getting him to attack would be easy enough. Castiel only had to move slightly, to indicate he was vulnerable, and his father would throw himself at him. He took a deep breath, tensed and took a step forward, slowly enough to indicate that he was hesitation, perhaps a bit unconvincingly, at least for someone who knew him well; but his father had been forced to return to this semblance of life and to attack, and he didn't think; and so, when he launched himself at Castiel, the hunter managed to shove him away into the waiting frame. The ghost vanished.

Castiel realized he was shaking. He had to look for Sam and Dean. They had to be here somewhere –

"Cas!"

_Thank God._

"Dean" he mumbled and collapsed.

Humans. They were too damn fragile. As soon as he saw Cas, he realized that whatever ghost he had encountered had had a blood vessel burst inside his lung, and he caught and healed him even as they flew back to the motel. Cas' eyes fluttered open.

Thank you, Father.

"Dean?" He stood up on his own, but stayed locked in his embrace for a few moments longer before stepping back.

"My father..." he mumbled, then composed himself and explained, "My father attacked me. He was a ghost. I assume the seal has been broken?"

Dean could only nod.

"Your father?"

Cas sat down on his bed.

"I didn't even know he was..." he began, stopped. Dean hesitated. He had no idea how to comfort a human in such a moment. Show them a good time, have fun, sure. But this...

Maybe he felt like he would feel if Sam fell in battle. The thought was unpleasant.

Thankfully, his brother stepped in.

"Cas, I'm so sorry."

"Me too" Dean managed, and indeed he felt his throat constrict at the idea of Cas suffering.

He gave them a weak smile. "To be honest, I lost him a long time ago." He schooled his features.

"So what do we do? We need to put those spirits back to rest."

"The seal's already broken" Dean explained, "Nothing we can do." Cas looked at him, obviously confused.

"But the ghosts are attacking people."

Oh, in the heat of the moment, Dean hadn't thought of that. Humans. So vulnerable. So precious. He nodded.

"I see. Sam?"

Sadly, his brother shrugged; they both knew about the seal, but how to put the spirits back to rest, no angel had cared to find out. Not even Sam.

With an impatient gesture, Cas ripped his phone out of his pocket and dialled a number. When no one picked up, he put it back with the same hast and said, "Adler. He should know. We have to leave."

Dean understood and in the blink of an eye, they were standing in Adler's living room.

The pristine order Castiel ahd always hated because it made the house feel as unpersonal as the countless motel rooms he'd lived in was gone, books, papers, magical artefacts thrown around.

"Adler!", cas called out, startled by the disarray; at least, he reflected, he was relatively safe, he had two angels with him (he had Dean with him, but he shoved that thought away).

Adler had to be here somewhere; he had never left the house voluntarily as far as Cas could remember.

"Dean, Sam – can you... feel someone?"

"There's someone upstairs" Dean said immediately.

"And there are spirits" Sam added. They both frowned.

"What else?" the hunter demanded, sensing there was something they weren't telling him.

"There's... longing" Dean said slowly. "Not like the one I sometimes feel when you pray for me – " Cas was thankful that, under the circumstances, no one could see his blush, "but similar".

There was no time to theorize. They needed Adler. Cas nodded, only realized how Dean took this when he found himself upstairs. He was getting used to the dizziness that accompanied being transported.

He had never been upstairs before, but certainly one of the doors must lead to Adler's bedroom, and, as the slightly paranoid recluse that he was, he certainly kept enough weapons there to –

A gunshot confirmed his suspicions, and he wrenched the door of the room it had come from open.

Adler looked awful. The suit he infallibly wore was rumpled and torn, there was blood on his shirt and a look in his eyes Castiel had never seen there before. He needed a moment to understand that it was pain.

"Are you dead too?" Adler asked, pointing the shotgun at them.

At least his attitude hadn't changed.

"No. The seal was broken. We're here to put the spirits back to rest. These are Sam and Dean – "

"Your little angel friends?"

Since he was still pointing the gun at them, Castiel didn't comment.

"There's a ritual – in the living room" Adler said suddenly, letting the gun sink.

When he saw Castiel's gaze, he remarked, "I just got divorced. She took the children with her."

Castiel stared. He had never considered...

Adler smiled grimly. "I know it's difficult to believe, but I wasn't always such a charming extrovert.

Castiel didn't know how long the older man had been keeping the ghosts of his family at bay (why had he never asked?) but he looked drained as he worked on mixing the ingredients, Sam and Dean guarding them. Since he had reunited with the angels, not a single spirit had appeared before him, and Castiel was starting to hope that their simple presence was protecting them when, outside of the circle of salt they had drawn around Adler's desk, they appared.

Ghosts, many, many ghosts, dead hunters, victims Castiel hadn't been able to save, his father glaring at him; only when he registered his relief did he realized he had been looking for his brother and failed to find him.

So Gabriel was still alive.

The only people he didn't recognize were a pretty brunette and two small girls next to her. He turned and saw Adler stare at them. He bit his lips.

"You let us die, Zachariah" the woman said, and he continued to prepare the spell, staring at his hands.

"The monster came for us, Daddy, and you weren't there" one of the girls said; Adler flinched as if he had been slapped. Castiel shot them with rock salt.

His father raised an eyebrow.

"Always helping the hopeless, just like –"

He disappeared in a flash.

Dean looked at Cas. "Sorry, all we can do. Well, and keep them from getting closer. The seal's older than us"

Cas nodded.

"Adler."

"Almost done" he pressed out; he began chanting in Latin, and Cas was ready to shoot if necessary. And did so immediately when Adler's family appeared again.

And yet the hand that had been about to throw the herbs in the fire stilled; Cas wrenched the bowl out of his grasp and did it himself.

In a flash, the spirits were put back to rest.

He looked at Adler.

"Are you alright?"

The other man shook himself.

"I have to be. So, you said something about a seal being broken?"


	13. Chapter 13

After Castiel had explained, Adler said nothing; he just nodded and then began restoring the living room to its rightful order. The hunter let him be. He was shaken himself.

His father. He hadn't known Dad was dead. To be honest, he had never considered the possibility, even knowing that he would continue to hunt until something or someone got to him before he got it first; he had just always seemed so – immortal. Aloof. Strong.

And now he was dead, and Castiel felt empty. Not sad, not lonely, just... empty.

He hadn't seen him for over five years.

Suddenly, the room felt small, too small. He had to get some air.

He stumbled past Sam and Dean, never feeling the angels' eyes on him.

Dean was lost. Despite having spent more time with humans than most of his brethren, he had never really taken the time to learn how to deal with their... emotions; both Cas and Adler were obviously affected by what had taken place; but how could he –

He looked at Sam. His brother, he realized, was waiting for him to do something.

If he had been a good angel, an obedient soldier, he would have left. He needed to report to John what had happened; although every angel would have felt the next seal breaking, it was still required of him that he returned to Heaven immediately –

He went after Cas.

The hunter was just outside, leaning against the house, breathing heavily.

Dean didn't know what to say.

Or whether or not Cas even wanted him there. Maybe he would have liked to be alone.

"Cas?"

He gave him a weak smile.

"I didn't know my father was dead."

"Yeah..." Dean said helplessly, swallowing, surprised at the human reaction of his vessel.

"I mean – sorry. It must be hard." The words fell stilted, flat, between them, but Cas seemed to relax slightly.

"I hadn't seen him in years. I shouldn't be surprised he attacked me. He always despised me."

He knew that now. He had never been good enough for his father.

"Cas... you know that was the spell, right? The souls were supposed to attack blindly, to do stuff they would never have done while they were alive."

"I know. But still..." Cas took a deep breath.

"Anyway, it is none of your concern."

"Of course it is" Dean said softly. "You're important to me."

A pause, heavy with meaning.

"You're my charge."

Castiel cursed his erratically beating heart. He was a duty to Dean, nothing more.

And what his father had said...

It was blasphemous to look upon a soldier of God with desire. Castiel couldn't doubt it.

And since Dean had just openly admitted that the only reason he cared was that Castiel was his charge...

A hand on his shoulder, warm, grounding.

Dean had moved closer, was looking right into his eyes.

"I don't know what the spirit told you. I don't – I saw your memories when I touched your soul. I didn't mean to. But I did. And – you were a good son, Cas. It's not your fault your father left. Believe me..."

And he took a deep breath and for a moment, he looked as unsure and human as Castiel had ever seen him.

"I guess I have some experience with fathers who just abandon their children."

He closed his eyes for a moment and looked like he was about to pass out, and it took Castiel a moment to realize how monumental an admission it was. This was not Dean doubting his orders; this was Dean criticizing God.

"I guess we'll just manage on our own then" he said, prompting a small smile from the angel.

Thankfully, he would later reflect when he wasn't caught up in the moment, Dean wouldn't read between the lines.

The only thing worse than his crush itself would have been Dean finding out about it.

"So..." he cleared his throat. "What now?"

"Well" Dean mused, "at least they still have sixty-four seals to go. At least that's something."

Cas nodded.

Dean looked away.

"And then of course..." he hesitated. "I need to report to John."

"Do you really have to leave?" the words tumbled out of Cas' mouth before he could stop himself.

"I mean, right now?" he added, and he'd just made things much worse. He couldn't act any needier if he tried.

Unexpectedly, Dean's face softened.

"I guess they already know the seal was broken. It's not that important that I tell them."

Cas felt far more relieved than he should have, but in truth the encounter with his father had left him very shaken indeed, and he really felt more grounded with Dean around. Even if he was only the angel's charge, not his friend, not his –

"Thank you" he said quickly to escape from his own thoughts.

"You're welcome, Cas. What are friends for?"

He tried not to let his heart beat faster at the word _friends_. He failed.

He tried to speak, failed, cleared his throat.

"Should we go back in?"

Dean nodded.

Sam couldn't help but feel relieved when Cas not only looked better when he returned, but he brought Dean with him as well. He wasn't sure it was safe for his brother to return to Heaven. Over the course of the years, he had heard rumours about what happened to angels who stepped out of line, and he'd even begun to suspect something he wasn't ready to share with Dean yet.

Whenever he thought about the strange whisper of a... special set of angels, he always felt too uncomfortable to continue after a while, and something like memories, dim and confused, appeared in a flash before slipping out of his grasp.

He wondered if Dean had experienced such flashes too. He wondered if he would even have noticed.

Either way, now was not the time to approach the subject. Not when Dean was obviously struggling with feeling upset on behalf of Cas without understanding why.

"Cas?" he inquired politely and the hunter smiled at him.

"I'm fine."

Sam knew humans often used that phrase when they were not, but his new friend seemed content. Or at least calm enough to function. And he was now and then glancing shyly at his brother, confirming Sam's suspicions of what was happening between them.

" **Sir. Dean has still not returned." John was obviously angry.**

" **Very well. Find him and Sam and bring them here. It is time to teach them a lesson."**

**John vanished.**

Sam didn't realize Dean had left until he turned around to speak to him; for a second, he feared he had returned to Heaven until Adler commented, "He's pacing on my porch. Tell him not to wear a hole in it, would you?" and Sam, after trading a glance with Cas, went to join his brother.

Dean was worried and tense, alternatively looking at the sky and the house.

When he saw his brother, he bit his lip and turned away.

Eventually, slowly, almost as if he was forcing himself to, he said, "I have to report to John."

"Then why didn't you do it before?"

"I should have. But Cas asked me to stay" Dean said defensively, and at any other time Sam would have let him be, trusting that the best of his brothers would eventually come to the right conclusion. But they didn't have time.

"So it's alright if Cas asks you to stay, but if I do, you leave?"

"Sam..."

"Dean!"

Dean looked away

"Sam, it's not... You're a good angel, but – "

"But what? We have evidence that other angels wish to start the Apocalypse."

"You can't really call that evidence – demons lie" Dean argued.

"To each other when they have no reason to?"

Dean was silent. Sam could see he was struggling with his desire to obey and act like a good soldier but at the same time he was driven by his urge to find out the truth, and his trust in Sam and Cas.

He was already on their side. He just didn't know it yet.

One day, Sam hoped he could be open to Dean about this; could tell him that he'd always known, always expected him to fight right along with him when push came to shove; but for now, he waited.

Dean sighed.

"I guess a few more hours couldn't hurt. Just until we have... answers."

"Of course" Sam happily agreed.

Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, said, "I'm glad you're here." He cleared his throat. "I mean... I can't protect Cas all on my own. There are many demons out there."

Sam nodded, understanding what he was trying to convey. Dean had always loved humanity, but since rescuing Cas he was certainly more in tune with it.

"I'm glad to be here."

Dean smiled at him, and Sam was once more surprised at how well they understood each other without words. It was a miracle that no one had yet noticed how strong there bond was; if they had...

But somehow, it had passed them by that both Sam and Dean had chosen a favourite brother amongst their brethren. Not for the first time, Sam wondered if they simply didn't understand. They might think they did, but they never would. Not like they understood one another.

"Yeah, yeah" Dean said, "But Sammy, you could be anywhere you wanted to be. I never got that, really. All you had to do was just play along – "

He stopped for a moment, a strange expression crossing his face, but just as Sam thought it had been too much and he would revert to being the good angel he had been for so long, he continued. "You've always been better than me. You could be a garrison leader, if you wanted."

"I don't want to be" Sam said simply. "And for the record, you would have made just as good a leader as me."

Dean snorted. "Sure. Can't you just imagine John complimenting my many qualities?"

They laughed, heartfelt, comfortable laughter, and Sam reflected how often it had been like that, just the two of them enjoying each other's presence, long before he had ever begun to doubt Heaven's orders.

Maybe they'd simply been created differently.

"There are sixty-four more seals they have to break" Dean said. "Now, obviously they'll try to crack the easy ones first."

"Let me guess... We got hundreds of options."

"One hundred and seventy-four, according to the list."

Sam shrugged. "We've fought other battles before."

"You're right about that" Dean answered, his eyes lingering on the house.

Sam could guess what he was thinking off and said nothing.

And then, a blinding light filled his vision, light that shouldn't have blinded him at all, and he couldn't move, and he felt something clawing at him, drawing him out of his vessel –

Before he could react, everything was gone, the house, the light, and he found himself alone in a field. It was night.

Belarus, he recognized. He was in Belarus.

And at the same time, he knew what had happened. Dean had sent him away.

Neglecting to save himself in the process.

He rushed back and found Dean's vessel on the porch. It was empty.

Automatically, his Grace reached out and ensured that the body wouldn't decay. Dean would need it when they got him back. They would get him back. They had to.

Even though Sam knew who had taken him.

It could only have been angels. Only another angel could rip them out of their vessels and drag them away.

He gently took Dean's vessel in his arms and teleported them in a guest bedroom upstairs. He didn't want the humans to learn what had happened by seeing what they would assume to be Dean's corpse.

Then he returned to the living room.

Cas' face fell when he saw he was alone.

"Where's Dean?"

There was no time to prepare him gently.

"He's in Heaven. The other angels took him captive."


	14. Chapter 14

"Taken?" Cas demanded. "To Heaven? You mean, he was kidnapped by other angels?"

Sam could only nod.

Dean should have returned to heaven hours ago. Instead, they had come for him. This was bad.

Cas' heart began hammering uncontrollably as the truth began to sink in. Dean was gone. Dean had been taken back to Heaven. After all Cas had heard about his superior, about duty...

"Why are you still here?" he asked more harshly than he intended. If they were after Dean, they must be after Sam too; he was more or less a renegade angel. So why had Sam escaped?

Had he left Dean to his fate? Cas couldn't believe it. On the other hand, they were angels and angels didn't feel like humans did.

The reminder hurt more than it should have.

Sam looked... guilty?

"Dean sent me away. I couldn't move; I suspect they tried immobilizing him too. I have no idea how he managed to do it."

Cas did. He knew the power of having to protect someone. And it had become very clear to him that Dean did see Sam as his brother, in the human sense of the word.

Sam looked away.

"He should have saved himself."

"He would never have done that" Cas replied. He might not have known him for long, but he felt certain of that. He just wasn't sure Sam would understand.

But apparently he did, because he sighed and answered, "I know. He's always been... protective of me. I understand it in battle, we all have to protect our brothers and sisters. But..."

He stopped, then continued, as if determined not to let himself be hindered by the fact that what he was about to say was wrong for an angel to even think.

"We have been close for a long time. The human way, I mean. I am not surprised he decided to send me away."

Cas had only known him as a doubting soldier who followed his own path; but there must have been a time when he was obedient, when he blindly obeyed. He must have slowly come to the realization that there was more going on than he was told, and Cas doubted he'd had the support he was now giving Dean.

Plus, he was probably blaming himself. If he hadn't shown up, if he hadn't been so close to Dean –

Cas didn't blame him. Dean certainly wouldn't, either. But he didn't know what Sam was feeling. The angel was more difficult to read than Dean.

"Where's Dean's – " he stopped himself before he could say "body"; it was a vessel, of course; but Dean had said that was in Heaven; so there must be an empty body left.

"He's upstairs." Sam seemed to realize that he'd brought a body into the house and quickly turned to Adler, but he just shook his head.

"It's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last."

That raised some questions that perhaps Cas would care to find answers to once they had managed to get Dean back.

"What do we do?"

Sam didn't look hopeful, but at least he didn't dismiss Cas' question outright. So maybe there was a way.

"He'll be held in a part of Heaven few angels are allowed to enter."

"There has to be something" Cas implored him, well aware that he was sounding desperate. But this was the angel who had saved him from Hell. The angel who had in the process unwittingly given him a new goal in life, even if it was mainly to survive. And stop the Apocalypse.

They had to save him.

"There might be... someone who can help us" Sam said slowly. "In Heaven. He was a strong soldier, but he retired millennia ago to take care of the word of God."

"Heaven has a library" Adler observed matter-of-factly.

"If you want to call it that" Sam replied. "But him and us" and he didn't need to explain that he meant "me and Dean" "were close. He was the first angel we fought under."

He seemed almost nostalgic now, and Cas wondered how long ago this had been. Had earth even existed then? Or had there only been angels, fighting against whatever evil had existed at the beginning of time?

"Can you contact him without anyone noticing?"

"It's not going to be easy" Sam answered. "I would have to get past the guards and into the inner circle of Heaven."

"But it can be done?"

"Theoretically."

"Not that this is going to stop me from trying" Sam announced simply. "I can't allow them to do this to Dean."

Cas had a feeling that he should probably ask what "it" meant but part of him didn't want to know. No matter what they were doing to Dean at this moment, it couldn't be good.

"On the other hand... " Sam began slowly. "We could try to summon him."

Cas had known demons could be summoned and had done so on occasion when a job required it. But he had not yet considered that angels could be summoned as well. In hindsight, it was a stupid oversight, of course.

"Can't we summon Dean?" he asked hopefully. If they could bring him here and perhaps make the place safe... There had to be a spell, a sigil to keep the other angels out –

"They won't allow it" Sam explained. "But I doubt anyone thought of taking the same precautions with Bobby."

"Bobby" Adler muttered to himself "Sam. Dean. Not exactly the angel names I read about all these years. What do we need?"

Thankfully he had been hoarding magical artefact and ingredients for longer than Cas had known him, and it turned out he had everything they needed in the house and that miraculously, nothing had been destroyed by the ghosts.

Sam quickly drew the symbols necessary on the living room floor while Cas and Adler mixed the ingredients.

Sam quickly took the bowl when they were finished and through the ingredients in the fireplace, chanting Enochian.

They waited. Nothing happened.

"Maybe – " Adler began but suddenly a bright light filled the room. Cas recognized it as the light that often accompanied angelic encounters and closed his eyes, calling out for Adler to do the same.

When the glare disappeared from behind his eyelids, he opened his eyes to see –

Someone he hadn't been expecting. When Sam had talked about his former leader, he had imagined an imposing, vengeful angel, and had assumed his vessel would reflect that.

Instead, he was looking at a gruff older man with a bear and a... baseball cap on his head.

He looked pissed, but nowhere near righteous.

"You better have a damn good explanation for this..." he began, eying Cas and Adler before sensing the angel behind him.

He turned.

"Sam?"

"Hello, Bobby."

Cas didn't think he'd yet seen a more spontaneous human reaction than the pleased smile on the older angel's face.

"Good to see you, boy. It's been a while."

"Several millennia" Sam confirmed.

"What's that human expression? Time flies."

Bobby looked around as if he expected someone else to be there, and Cas had the impression that he was looking for Dean, even if he must have felt that no other angel was near.

"Where's Dean?"

"They've taken him, Bobby."

If Cas hadn't known better, he would have taken them for humans. Their obvious worry for Dean calmed him down somewhat; with two angels on their side, and one of them old and experienced, they stood a better chance than before.

"You mean – "

"John. They want him to be... reset."

Sam forced the word out, and a peculiar expression passed his face. Cas suddenly had the impression that Sam knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I wouldn't expect anything less. But why?"

Sam looked at Cas. Bobby studied him.

"Ah. Castiel Novak. The Righteous Man. It didn't went exactly as foretold, I hear."

Cas shook his head, although he was unsure whether the angel was addressing him.

Apparently he was, because Bobby demanded, "So, tell me what happened then."

Cas did. He wasn't sure why the angel would rather have him tell the story, as opposed to Sam, who could probably give a more coherent narrative. But he did his best, trying not to let certain... details filter through.

He was rather sure that Sam would have taken no exception to his feelings. But he had no idea about Bobby.

He simply nodded when Cas was done.

"I see. Dean always had too much heart."

"He has quite enough" Cas spat before he could stop himself. Bobby just chuckled.

"I see why he likes you." He snapped his fingers. "First things first."

He took a few steps toward Cas and touched his breast; pain seared through him and he buckled up before it vanished as quickly as it came, standing up just in time to see him do the same to Adler.

"What was that?"

"Now angels won't be able to find you. Also keeps you from getting possessed. You're welcome."

"Why are you helping us?" Adler demanded and Cas realized it was a completely understandable question even as he felt unreasonably angry.

He trusted Bobby because Sam, and, according to the other angel's words, Dean trusted him. Yet he had never seen him before. A year ago, he would never have believed him so freely.

But a year ago, he hadn't yet met Dean. A year ago, he hadn't known the angel with the bright green eyes and childish enthusiasm who had turned his life upside down in more ways than one.

And what Sam had said about resetting him – would it destroy the angel Cas knew? Turn him into an obedient soldier again? They couldn't let that happen.

**A needle. The needle again. He remembered now, he remembered they had brought him and Sam here before... It had hurt then, it would hurt again... He didn't want them to hurt him... But he also didn't want to do what they told him to – he couldn't – Cas – Cas –**

"Because I happen to like these two idjits. They've always known what the real mission was. Protecting God's work. That's what I wanted too. Why d'you think I came to look after the scriptures? If I'd stayed in the field, they would've noticed my doubts eventually."

"Doubts..." Sam echoed almost reverently. Bobby nodded.

"I know it ain't easy, boy. But I always thought if any angels could break through the mind control, it would be you and your brother."

 _You and your brother_ , Cas noted. Again someone noticing the close relationship that existed between Sam and Dean. Sam didn't even try to object.

Apparently Adler was reassured by the human-like demeanour of their guest. He stayed quiet.

"So what do we do?" Cas asked. It felt like he'd asked that question a lot in the last half hour, but he simply hated feeling helpless.

"I'll return to Heaven and see what I can find out. They shouldn't miss me yet – they're so used to me being holed up in the library, they probably wouldn't notice me being gone for years. Still, better if I get back soon."

"And we're supposed to wait?" Cas asked.

"First of all, get out of here. You got a safe place you can stay?"

"Several" Adler answered immediately. Cas looked at him, surprised. "You can't be too careful. I have copies of my most valuable books there as well."

"Always a good idea" Bobby agreed.

Cas was mostly glad that something was about to be done.

**The needle – the pain – scared – he was scared – but Cas – and Sam – Father, please don't allow them to find Sammy – I sent him as far away as I could – It might have been a sin, but I was only trying to protect him – please, please watch over them –**

**No, no – Not the needle – his vessel shuddered – thank God the soul of the hunter – what was his name again? – had long since departed – No – No –**

**Important – work –**

**Obedience –**

**But Cas –**

**Cas –**

**Ca –**


	15. Chapter 15

After Bobby left, all they could do was wait.

Cas wasn't coping well.

As a hunter, he had always been doing something; even on a stakeout, he'd had the satisfaction that he'd eventually be doing something.

Now? Now he could just idly sit around and help Adler move to the new location.

True, the task wasn't nearly as annoying as he had once thought it would be – not since he had learned of Adler's family. It was strange to imagine him with children, in love. He wondered what kind of father he'd been.

There were no pictures of them in the house, and Cas didn't ask. He just carried the books the older man insisted they needed to the car.

When he came back to tell him he had packed away everything, Adler was looking out the window. His hands were clenched into fists. Cas cleared his throat.

„I'm done, Zachariah".

It felt strange to use his first name after all these years, but just calling him Adler again would have been wrong. Not after this.

„A wendigo" the other man said flatly. „In case you were wondering:"

„It's not my place to" Cas replied simply.

„We were out camping. I had to go outside – it attacked then. I heard their screams -"

He swallowed.

„Never found out why it decided to kill them right then and there. They keep them alive for longer, normally. Told the police it had been a bear. Not that they suspected anything. It was clear that no human could have done that to them."

„I'm so sorry."

„It was a long time ago." He chuckled mirthlessly. „Found out what killed them, decided I didn't have the muscles to become a hunter and here I am. I guess everyone thinks I'm a cold-hearted bastard. God knows I try to be."

Cas didn't know what to say.

Sam was already at the safe house, Adler having disclosed it somewhat reluctantly, to make the place angel-safe. Cas had tried to protest; if he angelproofed the whole house, where would he go if things got dangerous? Sam, however, had insisted and won. He was confident he could outrun them if he had to, but Cas was far less optimistic. After all, he had only escaped capture because Dean had sent him away on the cost of his own freedom.

Cas tried not to think about what Dean must be going through. Bobby's and Sam's words kept repeating themselves in his head.

Resetting. This could only mean that the other angels would brainwash him. But how? Dean was more or less indestructible.

Then again, Cas supposed that such a system of obedience could only be maintained by brainwashing the soldiers. Sam and Dean couldn't be the only angels who had ever had doubts, and Bobby only got away with it because he more or less lived off the radar, locked away in Heaven. He must have been alone for a very long time. And yet he held Sam and Dean in high enough regard to risk everything for them.

" **You know what you have to do."**

" **Yes, sir."**

" **Do not allow anyone to distract you."**

" **No, sir."**

" **Repeat your mission."**

" **To make sure the Righteous Man agrees to be Michael's vessel so God's will be done."**

" **Correct. Report to me in regular intervals."**

" **Yes, sir."**

Dean had been gone for three days, and still now ord from Bobby. Cas would have been inclined to believe that the sigils he had put up kept out their source of information as well as their enemies, but Sam sent him texts regularly, although it was obvious that he wasn't used to mobile phones. His business-like approach only made the hunter remember Dean's child-like wonder whenever he used technology. He tried not to think about it.

Cas going crazy.

He did his best to stay calm in front of Zachariah, who was still reeling from the rising of the witnesses although he pretended not to be. Their acquaintance had improved quicker in the last few days than it had in the years before. He'd even come so far as to show Cas a picture of his family, and he almost hadn't recognized the smiling young man holding his wife and children as the middle-aged recluse who never laughed.

Cas hoped nothing had happened to Bobby. Sam seemed sanguine this wasn't the case. Cas wasn't so sure. If everything they had heard was true, and they had no reason to disbelieve any of it, angels were a suspicious lot, ready enough to pounce upon any of their kind they considered... doubting. And if Bobby should suddenly start asking questions...

They needed him to get Dean. They needed him to save Dean.

Cas had fallen asleep against the odds. He was dreaming. It was a peaceful dream for once.

He was in the vast, old church his mother had sometimes taken him to when he'd been a child, and although he didn't believe anymore, not even now, he still remembered the peace and contentment he'd felt then. He was sitting in a pew, looking at the altar, feeling calm for the first time in days.

It didn't last long.

"Cas!"

He turned to find Dean sitting beside him. The angel looked haggard, in pain. He reached out, but Dean flinched back.

"What have they done to you?"

He waved the question away.

"It's not important. I need to see you."

"You're seeing me now."

"It's not safe."

"In my own dreams?"

"No."

Dean looked over his shoulder; any feeling of contentment or relief Cas might have been able to save up to that moment vanished.

"Dean – "

"Meet me there." He put a piece of aper into Cas' hand. He read an address in a city in the next state. A five hour drive.

"How – "

Dean was gone.

Cas woke up. It was early in the morning. He stood up and left the house. He had to let Sam know.

Once he was a decent distance away (as Sam had insisted he should be whenever he initiated personal contact) he sent the angel a text instead of praying – another precaution to ensure no one would listen in.

He immediately appeared in front of Cas, looking very confused.

"Dean contacted you?"

Cas told him what had happened. The other angel didn't look as relieved as he would have liked.

"Did he tell you how he got away?"

"No."

Sam bit his lip.

"You heard Bobby. It's almost impossible to get out. He hasn't yet managed to get in, either."

"And? Dean saved me from Hell. Surely he can – "

"It's different, Cas. You have to believe me."

Cas thought for a moment.

"But then – "

"They let him go."

"Why?"

Sam looked away. Cas understood and paled.

"He wouldn't."

"It's torture" Sam said quietly. "More than that, they manipulated his mind. And now they're trying to get you to do their bidding through him."

"But it's Dean" Cas replied, his voice thick.

"I know. Trust me, I know" Sam swallowed. "I don't want to lose him either."

For a moment, they were silent. Then Cas calmly said, "So you think it's a trap."

"It's probable."

"So I shouldn't go."

Sam shook his head.

"I wish you wouldn't, but we can't risk raising their suspicions. You have to."

"And if Dean..." he trailed off.

"At least we'll be sure" Sam tried to reassure him.

"You'll be able to tell."

"How do you know?"

Sam's gaze held too much knowledge in it for Cas to meet it. He turned away.

"I have faith in you, Castiel." He out his hand on his shoulder.

"I'll try to locate Bobby. Let me know when you get there."

Cas nodded and Sam disappeared with a flutter of wings. Cas returned to the house. Zachariah had got up and was waiting for him. Cas explained what had happened.

The older man wanted to accompany him, but Cas insisted on him staying in the safe house. Prior to the breaking of the sigil, he hadn't left his house in years, and he wouldn't risk his – friend's life.

"Call me" Zachariah said. Cas promised he would.

"Cas – " he began, stopped. He had automatically adopted the nickname Dean had given him. "Thank you."

Cas nodded and left. He knew Zachariah would understand.

The address Dean had given him turned out to belong to a long-abandoned house, brooding and foreboding.

Cas feared that Sam had been right; the Dean he knew would have chosen a cafe, preferably with pie, or another nice place for their meeting; in the next moment, he chastised himself for his naiveté. If Dean had escaped, he wouldn't meet with him in a public place. And this place was as far from public as they could possibly get.

So he got out of his car and sent Sam a text. He carefully studied the house, but if it was a trap, he didn't see anything. And of course angels could easily conceal anything they wished from his vie.

He made his way in.

Nothing.

He walked through the dusty rooms.

"Dean?"

Still nothing.

If they wanted to attack him, they would have done so by now, he was sure; but in that case, where was Dean?

"Dean?"

"Cas".

He turned around, but any relief he might have felt was soon extinguished.

Something was wrong. He couldn't really explain it, but something was terribly, terribly wrong.

Dean didn't... hold himself right. Much too uptight, like a – soldier.

He'd always slouched a bit, no matter the situation. He'd always smiled at Cas when they met. That was all gone now.

He didn't seem to be in pain anymore, but there was something missing. Something behind his eyes.

Trying to appear normal, Cas said, "Hello, Dean." He gave him a weak smile. "How did you get out?"

**Act like you did before. Think of your mission.**

"Somehow I managed to slip away." Dean shuddered. "Please don't ask."

"But – "

**Scared. He has to think you are scared and vulnerable.**

"Cas, please. You can't... imagine what it's like."

Dean appeared distraught enough to be genuine, but he also looked desperate. Understandable enough after what he'd gone through – or Sam was right after all. Or were they overtly suspicious? If he couldn't trust the angel who'd rescued him from Hell then who could he trust? But what if they reset him after all?

Swallowed and continued, "You had something to tell me."

**He has to trust you. He has to trust him completely so you can complete the mission.**

Dean nodded. "Cas, it was corrupt angels who kidnapped me."

"I'd say" Cas replied simply.

**Remember. You know what to do. Make him trust us.**

"No – it was just a small party of them."

"What do you mean?"

**Remember.**

"All the others – they're on our side, Cas."

Cas couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Sam is... misguided."

**Act as you would have before they fixed you. Sam's special – was, was special.**

"He did what be lieved was right."

**You would have said that even though he was – was – is wrong. You are lucky they fixed you. Perhaps they can fix Sam too, and he will be safe – it is not your concern. They taught you that.**

"I don't believe that" Cas replied firmly.

"And I believe you wouldn't either, if you were in your right mind."

"I am in my right mind, Cas. They explained everything to me."

"They hurt you."

**Pain is bad for them, not for us. You are grateful you were fixed.**

"You don't understand" Dean said. "We're not as vulnerable as you humans."

It was pronounced wrong. Cas took a step backward. Dean adored humanity. He wouldn't use the term with such a derogatory tone.

"Cas" Dean said imploringly.

**Remember you are a soldier. Follow the orders – Cas trusts you – Cas – Cas –**

"Do you really think – it's me, Cas. I dragged you out of Hell. Hell fire couldn't hurt me; why should my own kind?"

Cas was taken aback.

"But – Lucifer and Michael –"

**He is beginning to believe you, to doubt the – the – Sammy. He still trusts you. No – Cas –**

"They are archangels. They could destroy the world if they wanted to. Not everyone of us is that powerful."

Cas was beginning to doubt. Dean still seemed genuinely concerned about him and Sam.

But to insist that they wouldn't hurt him – they had, he was sure. He couldn't forget how he'd looked in that dream –

"Please, Cas. I know my own brothers."

In the next moment, both understood Dean had made a mistake.


	16. Chapter 16

Brothers.

Dean had called the other angels his brothers, without hesitance, without making a difference between them and Sam at all.

Something was terribly, terribly wrong.

They had done something to him in Heaven. Cas took a step back.

"Cas –" Dean said.

 _Wrong, wrong, so wrong_ , he sounded like a robot. That wasn't Dean, not the Dean he'd come to – not his friend.

"Stay away from me" he said, although he knew it was useless. If Dean wanted to harm him, he could.

**Remember the mission. You know what to do when something goes wrong. We need the Righteous Man.**

"Castiel Novak, you do not understand. You are destined for great things."

"I am not interested. Dean, you are not well. They did something to you in Heaven – "

"They fixed me."

"They broke you! Dean, please remember – "

**He had saved the Righteous Man from Hell. He'd done it. And now he was sitting in a diner where they sold awesome pie, hell yeah. He didn't know why their Father had chosen him, but he would do his best to protect the brightest soul he had ever seen –**

**No. You are a soldier. What you did was shameful. You put a human, a vessel above your brethren. You have to make amends.**

"Cas, it is important."

"You were lying, weren't you?" he asked, resigned to his fate. It figured that he couldn't even die right. If he'd stayed in Hell, nothing would have happened and Dean would still be the angel he'd been before.

The this was proof that Sam had been right – no one who was on their side could have done that to Dean – was no consolation. If he prayed to Sam now, they would no. They would hear.

He was ready to give up, but then he began to feel angry. How could they do that to Dean? Good, pure, kind Dean? How could they think he was a bad angel? How could they take away everything that made him Dean?

They had broken him, turned him into their puppet.

And Cas was angry.

He couldn't just stay here and accept his fate. He had to do his outmost to save Dean.

Screw that the others could hear him. Sam was on the run anyway. As long as he kept his thoughts away from Bobby, he figured he could risk it. And anyway, he had to.

_Sam? Sam? They did something to him. I don't know what. He obeys them. I can't get through to him._

"Dean – " he tried again.

"There is no use trying to discuss this with me" Dean said flatly. "I am an angel, a soldier. You are only human. You couldn't possibly understand."

But suddenly, Cas realized.

They were discussing it. Dean hadn't called reinforcements. He hadn't yet advanced towards him. He hadn't threatened him.

Whatever they had done –

Dean was still there. Dean as he had been hadn't been erased completely.

Maybe he could get through to him. They were friends after all.

"Dean, it's me. Remember? You saved me from Hell. You've watched over me since then. You didn't want this. You were kidnapped, you were brainwashed – "

"I was fix – " Dean broke off. He looked confused.

"You weren't. They hurt you. Dean, they took you away from m – from us, and they hurt you. You didn't want this. You wouldn't want this, if you were in your right mind – "

"Dean!"

Just as he thought he was getting somewhere Sam appeared behind Dean, and he watched him stiffen. His angel blade appeared in his hand.

"Dean, no!"

Dean launched himself at Sam, but he managed to dodge him. Cas could only watch and plead.

"Dean, that's Sam!"

**Sam has betrayed us. You know what you have to do – but it's Sam, Sammy. I can't do that to Sammy. You have to. But we're brothers. They're all your brothers – no, they're not. Sam is my brother, the only one I've only ever truly had. He's my favourite. No, no, you have to kill him, you have to eliminate the – but Sam – Sam – No –**

Dean had stopped attacking Sam, but was clearly ready to do it again any moment. They needed help.

They needed another angel. A strong one. Someone who had been around for a long time, longer than Sam and Dean, who could overpower him –

_Bobby, this is an emergency. Dean – they did it. They reset him, and he attacked Sam. We need your help._

In the meantime, he tried again.

"Dean? You remember Sam. You are close. Why don't you put the blade away so we can talk?"

Don't listen to him. The mission. The mission is everything. But Cas – He is a vessel. He is the vessel of Michael, he has to say yes. Focus. Get rid of the traitor and secure the Righteous Man. But Sam – Sam is my brother.

Sam is my brother.

Sam is my brother.

Dean let the blade drop. He started to shake.

**I don't want to hurt Sam. I can't hurt Sam. I can't take Cas. They'll hurt him like they hurt me – No, they fixed you – but it hurt – it hurt so much – and Cas –**

He didn't know when he'd let go of his blade. But Sam and Cas were looking at him and – and –

**The needle, the needle, it was coming, no, no, Cas, Sam, no, he couldn't, he wouldn't, why were they doing that to him – Sam had been right – no – no, not the needle –**

He was cowering in a corner, holding his head in his hands.

**The needle – Cas – Sam – everything – no – it was wrong –**

"Dean?" Cas advanced slowly, Sam beside him, holding Dean's blade.

"Keep talking" he urged him on. "He's in there, Cas. You can do it."

They didn't even know if Bobby was coming.

"Can you transport us?" Cas hissed. Sam shook his head.

"As soon as I came here, they... closed the door, so to speak. I think they still want Dean to kill me. To prove his loyalty."

"He won't."

Cas was sure of that, now. Dean was clearly in distress. Dean was fighting against the reprogramming.

"Dean" he said, sinking to his knees in front of him.

"Cas... hurts" he muttered. He touched his hands.

"It's going to be alright. We're going to get you fixed."

**Fixed – fixed – you were fixed – get up and do what you have to do – no – it's Cas – it's Sammy. I can't do this to them. Sam's my brother. Cas is my... my friend.**

**Cas.**

"Get me out of here" he whined.

"We will" Cas promised, although he didn't know how.

"We will have to break out manually – I don't have any powers" Sam said helplessly, patting Dean's shoulders.

"It's going to be okay, Dean. I promise."

It hurt to see his brother, the only real brother he had ever had, like this. And without him, this would never have happened to Dean. But then again, would he still have been the Dean who meant so much to him if he had stayed the angel Sam had met millennia ago?

Feelings were terribly confusing, even after years of trying to get a grip on them.

At least Dean wasn't trying to kill him anymore.

And he had listened to Cas. No matter what they did, they couldn't destroy Dean.

Sam had never been prouder of his brother.

Alright then. They had to get out of there. How did humans do such things? Usually they broke locks or windows. He doubted this would work.

Suddenly _What have you idjits been up to now?_

Bobby. _Thank you, Father._

_Cas called. Are you alright?_

Dean is pretty shaken, but he's alive.

_Alright, then. I'm gonna cause a disruption. Should be enough to get you out of there. You'll have to transport all three of you._

Bobby, you'll have to –

_This ain't my first rodeo, kid. I'll see you when I see you._

And then nothing.

Whatever Bobby would be doing, it would be highly dangerous. They could lose him today. Sam swallowed.

He looked at Cas, hoping he'd understand that they'd been in contact. He couldn't risk saying the words out loud; everyone could be listening. Certainly they already were.

Cas seemed to get the hint and gently pried Dean's fist open so he could hold his hand for real.

"Dean? Can you get up?"

He was still confused, but he nodded. At least they had his trust.

His powers were considerably weakened; he was surprised Bobby had been able to reach him at all.

He would only have a very short time, the fraction of a second, to transport them; and even then, he would have to concentrate so that they didn't land in front of the house immediately. They had to lose them first.

He was running from his own brethren. It had really come to that.

Their mission had been to protect what God had created. When had they forgotten that?

"Dean, hold on" he encouraged him.

Dean was leaning heavily on him; Cas had lost count of the many times he'd carried a victim, a witness, a family member. Dean didn't feel like an angel; it was difficult to remember he wasn't human."

"Cas" he whimpered. "Sorry, so sorry – "

"You don't have to apologize."

"No – don't want to – " Dean continued, then pushed Cas away, and out of surprise, he fell down on the floor.

Dean was standing up straight, glaring coldly at Sam. "You will return my blade."

"No" Sam said matter-of-factly.

What was taking Bobby so long?

Good, you're back in control. Now do what you have to do. No – no – there was – before – they – Cas said they – Don't listen to him. He is nothing but a vessel. No – Cas – Sammy – Sammy has the blade. Good.

Dean's expression morphed once more into far, and he mumbled."Sammy – blade – don't give – " He swayed.

"Don't worry" Sam assured him as they rushed to help him again, "I won't."

Cas knew Sam knew something, had tried to tell him something; perhaps he had had a message from Bobby. He wished he could ask, but it was too risky, of course. They were listening, waiting. For Dean to give gin. For Dean to kill Sam. For Dean to grab Cas and – He shuddered.

He looked at Dean, fury replacing his fear. He would amke them pay for what they had done to his angel. He didn't know how, but by God, if he truly was the Righteous Man, they would feel his wrath.

"Dean, try to concentrate."

He muttered something like "What do you think I'm doing?"

Cas smiled. Dean was definitely back in control.

**You are pathetic. You are a bad angel – Yes. I always was. But Sammy is. Sam doesn't deserve to be killed. I won't hurt him. You can't make me. This is my choice. And Cas –**

Dean got on his feet again, but to Cas' reliefe he was himself this time.

"We need to get out of here."

He touched his head. "Quickly."

"Are they – "

"It's not gonna go away just like that. Give me some time."

"It's going to be pkay" Sam said. "We'll find you a place where you can heal."

"Get me out of here first." Dean shivered.

"They're watching us. Listening."

Sam wished he could try and contact Bobby on his own, but he couldn't risk it –

Suddenly, he felt his powers rushing back.


	17. Chapter 17

Sam managed to put them a few miles north of the safe house. They were not far from a street where Cas could grab a car, and he wondered if it had been Sam's intuition.

"They can't trace you, Cas" he said, relieving him of Dean's weight completely, "Get zachariak and run. You'll be safe."

But cas only had eyes for Dean: and he was quickly assured that while Dean thought he should go, he by no means wanted him to leave.

He couldn't do it.

Not when Dean wasn't fully restored. He shook his head. Sam glared at him.

"Dean and I have a price on our heads by now –"

"And you're in your vessels. I'm sure there's a way to make them untraceable" Cas said, and he certainly wasn't mistaken; it was a thankful look Dean sent him. Sam saw it too.

_As much as it pains me to say this_ , he began talking to Cas telepathically, _we can't trust him. They did something to him, Cas – he might know that he's a spy._

But CAs was ever ybit as stubborn as the angel. He knew Dean, knew the one who'd rescued him from Hell, and this was Dean – weak and hurting, there could be no doubt about that, but still. CAs would recognize that smile anywhere, feeble though it was.

He isn't. I can tell.

His conviction probably startled Sam, who stared at him, surprised, but nodded after a few seconds and so they slowly made tzheir way to Adler's house, sometimes almost dragging Dean, who struggled to help them as well as he could. It was clear, however, that he needed rest; and Cas supposed it was Bobby's work that they had not yet been found. He wished he could havbe sent a prayer of thanks to him.

Alder opened the oodr before they had reached it. His face was grim as he studied the little group.

"I assume we have to leave?"

Cas nodded.

"I Have another house a few hours from here."

And soon enough, they sat in their respective cars, Cas following Zachariah while Sam tended to Dean in the backseat.

"How is he? Cas asked after half an hour.

"Resting" Sam answered. "Not what you would call sleeping, but... meditating. It should help hi,m."

Cas forced his eyes back on the road. It would do no good if he caused an accident. "He's strong" he said, trying to keep his voice steady, "I'm sure he'll be alright."

"Not many can break through the control" Sam said softly. "But Dean was always special."

"He's your brother" Cas answered and saw that Sam understaood it exactly the way he wanted to. They drove on in silence.

By the time they had parked in front of the Zachariah was already inside.

"Come in quickly" he called out, and as soon as they had crossed the threshold, he finished a sigil he'd been painting on the door.

Cas guessed from Sam's subtle flinch what it was.

"Sorry" Zachariah apologized, "you're trapped in here for no, but no angel can get in, either." Sam nodded – Cas suspected he was tense because he wasn't used to be restricted in his movements, but he nodded just the same.

"Where can we put Dean?"

"Guest bedroom. Upstairs".

Sam looked at them. A second passed. He shook his head. "The sigil – I can't use my powers. Cas you help me?"

Dean was more or less catatonic at this point, although Sam still insisted he was healing.

Together they managed to carry him to the room; Sam gently desposited him on the bed and Cas fought against the impulse to run his fingers through his hair. They returned downstairs to find Zachariah reading through an old volume.

"Do I understand this correctly?" he asked, handing it to Sam. "Bought that years ago from an old hermit; kept insisting it was the last of its kind. Never thought much of it, but that was before I knew that angels existed."

Sam looked it over, then raised his head.

"If I understand this correctly the sigil will help us hide from the other angels – "

"Has to be cut into your skin with an angel blade, though."

"That's not a problem."

"You'll also be locked into your vessels" Adler argued. "If something happens... We don't know what could happen."

Sam hesitated. "It's better than being on the run" he decided. "Especially with Dean in this state. And if we're locked into our bodies – they can't drag us back like they did before."

Cas and Zachariah exchanged a glance at Sam using "bodies" instead of "vessels."

Maybe both angels had always been more human than they'd thought.

Sam politely expressed the wish that Cas should be the one to carve the sigil into their skin. Zachariah didn't object, and so the hunter soon completed the task. The mark glowed with Sam's grace, then vanished.

He looked at him, but the angel shrugged.

"I don't feel anything, but who knows how it's supposed to work?"

Cas had done well that first time.

And yet his hand trembled when he later cut the same symbol into Dean's biceps and watched it heal immediately.

He didn't even flinch. He didn't react at all.

He wished he could have stayed beside him, but what could he do? He walked slowly downstairs to help the others make the house as safe as they could, and he would have done so, if Zachariah hadn't sent him back immediately with an unusual soft expression on his face.

"You never know" he told him, and Cas didn't answer.

It told him how much Zachariah knew at any rate. He wasn't entirely comfortable with it, mostly because he wasn't yet entirely comfortable with his feelings.

He sat at Dean's bed. He wasn't breathing, but Sam had assured him that angels didn't need to.

He looked just as if –

He took his hand.

He didn't know when he would wake up.

But he knew he'd be there.


	18. Chapter 18

After Cas had left, Sam and Zachariah filled the house with as many protection symbols as possible.

Sam didn't feel any different after the sigil had been sliced into his skin; his powers certainly weren't diminished; and while it was a little worrying that they were locked in their vessels, he couldn't even remember when they had left them (of their own free will, that was) the last time. It must have been centuries ago.

Dean enjoyed having a mouth to taste all the human food with, and Sam considered it a more convenient method of travelling on earth than to constantly stay invisible for fear of burning humans' eyes out.

Come to think of it, they had always simply preferred to use vessels, no reason required.

He hope Dean would wake up soon, and more than anything else that he would be himself.

Sam had brought this on him, Sam had tempted him to rebel, and Dean had saved him from the same fate.

Somehow, he had fought and he had won. He hadn't betrayed them. For the moment. But they had no idea what they had programmed him to do.

Sam didn't remember much from the times he had been taken into the room.

Needle – there was a needle – they were trying to – no –

He shuddered. He knew that anything they had done to him must pale in comparison to Dean's suffering.

After all, he hadn't openly rebelled then.

It wasn't easy not to pray for help; it was his first instinct, as it had been since his creation, but God didn't answer anymore; their father had abandoned them. And he couldn't allow the angels to hear him.

Bound to their vessels or not, they could easily be dragged back. And this time, Bobby wouldn't be able to help them either.

Bobby.

He had to try to contact him somehow.

Or –

He looked at Zachariah.

"Do you have any ingredients for a summoning?"

"I do hope you plan to contact the one angel who still helps us idiots."

"I'm worried" Sam admitted. It was a strange thing to say. He would have been looked down upon for it at Heaven.

He smiled bitterly. If they hadn't already been outcasts.

But Bobby could be a prisoner right now, for all they knew, and summoning him directly was the best way to find him.

"So do you have –"

"You should know better than to ask by now."

He really should, Sam decided. At least they could try.

They still decided against summoning him inside the house, in case something went wrong; for a moment, he considered calling Cas down, but he'd be of no use as long as he was fretting over Dean, and quite frankly, Sam preferred it to have someone there with his brother, the only brother he had ever really had.

The angel he was trying to contact now was something different to him altogether, he realized. Human words were much more practical when it came to relationships. He supposed he would have called Bobby something like his uncle, if he could have.

"You should leave" he told Zachariah. "In case the other angels come."

"Then you'll need backup" he answered.

Sam didn't mention that the middle-aged man wouldn't be a good backup against angels. No one would. But he supposed, thinking of a human phrase, it was the thought that counted.

The spell worked again, and Sam learned to appreciate the feeling of relief once again when he appeared.

"Good God, I really need a phone" he grumbled. "I don't like being summoned."

"Sorry, Bobby, but Dean –"

"First things first" Zachariah interrupted him. "We need to make him untraceable too."

"Untraceable? You mean with the old sigil? I know it exists, but there's certainly nothing's in Heaven's library –"

"A human had it. It must be the last copy. Zachariah's right, though; we need to do it –"

"Got it. Let's hurry. I've been on the run ever since I distracted the others, and frankly I'm tired of it. Where's Dean?"

"At the house with Cas."

"How is he?" Bobby asked softly. Sam shrugged.

"We don't know. He managed to fight of the control, but he collapsed, so we can't be sure."

"And you left Cas there with him?"

"He's the one who – I'm not sure he would have taken control if Cas hadn't been there."

"I see" Bobby said and Sam had the feeling that he did in fact know or suspect what was going on. It had happened before, angels falling in love with humans.

They all knew about the punishments that had followed.

Still, he supposed Dean couldn't be considered more of a rebel than he was already.

"You better get me untraceable fast, you idjit, I wanna see them."

Sam suppressed a smile and led the way.

He waited. And waited. Eventually, he grew so frustrated that he started talking. He told Dean everything. About his childhood. About Gabriel. About his father.

About how he had never really connected with another being in the world, until an angel had ordered pie for him.

And he was still holding Dean's hand. He knew he shouldn't; he knew that, for all Zachariah's encouragement, he should go downstairs, help them make the house safe.

He didn't. He stayed right where he was, waiting, still waiting.

Sam's words came back to haunt him.

_He might not even know he's a spy._

No. Not Dean. The angel who had rebelled against Heaven, against everything he had been taught within a short period of meeting Cas – it couldn't be.

He had fought against the programming. He had won. He hadn't hurt them, he hadn't dragged Cas away.

He was still Dean. Cas clung to that was he was clinging to his hand, unable to let go.

He caught himself before a prayer left his lips. God either didn't want to help or had left a long time ago, and if the other angels heard him...

"You better wake up soon" he threatened. "Or I'm going to... to..." he had no idea what to threaten the angel with, so he eventually settled on "I'll bake a pie and eat it all by myself", which probably wouldn't do much.

Suddenly a door slammed. He certainly hadn't heard the others leaving the house, or calling out that they were about to do so. He looked back at Dean. He certainly couldn't defend himself. If the other angels had found them despite everything...

He moved downstairs noiselessly, but relaxed when he heard Sam speaking in a normal tone.

Bobby was sitting on the couch.

"Bobby!"

"Hey, kid. Heard you were playing nurse".

Cas blushed; he couldn't help it.

He knew that, in a way, he had been incredibly stupid to stay alone with Dean. In case Sam was right, and Dean couldn't fight off the control of the other angels, he could have woken up and killed him or taken away within a second.

"Alright, let's get the cutting out of the way."

"You know you will be – "

Bobby waved his question off.

"I've already spent centuries in this vessel. I'm used to it."

Once the sigil had been carved into Bobby's skin he moved upstairs.

He looked over Dean while Sam and Cas watched.

Cas was rather sure he really didn't have to run his fingers through Dean's hair to check up on him, but he said nothing.

"How long has he been like this?"

"Three hours" Cas answered. "He constantly grew weaker. And then he just... collapsed."

"They didn't drag him back, did they?" Sam asked. He'd begun to worry that they had carved the sigil into an empty vessel.

Bobby shook his head. "They might cut you off from all communications so you don't know what's going on, but you would notice that."

He nodded. It was a relief.

"Tell me what happened. From the beginning" he demanded, and Sam and Cas did so.

After they had finished, he looked down on the unconscious angel. His jaw tensed.

"I don't wanna know what they did to him, but they're pretty creative."

"I know" Sam said quietly. Cas looked at him and remembered Sam's expression when he talked about the reprogramming. How many times had he and Dean already been at their mercy?

How many times had they reprogrammed other angels to begin with?

"But then – "

Dean opened his eyes.


	19. Chapter 19

"Dean?" he asked, his voice trembling. The angel's eyes fluttered shut, then opened again. Cas squeezed his hand, not even wondering if it would be welcome or not.

"Dean?"

A groan.

"Dean!"

Did he see them? Did he believe he was back with them? Was he only bidding his time before he -

"Cas?"

Dean sounded weary and somewhat shaken, but otherwise normal. He squeezed his hand, finally squeezed back.

"What - "

He could see the exact moment Dean remembered what had happened, his flinch proving that he knew all too well.

"You are safe" he told him.

"But the others -"

They can't trace us, Dean" Sam explained. "Not anymore. Zachariah found something."

"And we're damn lucky he did."

Dean turned to the other angel in the room, his eyes widening.

"Bobby?"

"The one and only. How are you, boy?"

Dean gave him a weak smile.

"I'm good. Well, as good as can be expected. It's been a while."

"Yeah, it has. I was happy up in Heaven, avoiding everyone until these chuckleheads decided you needed help. I'm sorry I couldn't get you out."

"It's not your fault. I was guarded pretty heavily." Dean winced again. "It was - " he shuddered.

"Take it easy" Cas said. He still hadn't let go of his hand.

Dean was feeling... strange. And not because of the torture.

Okay, that hadn't been fun. But the damages done to his true form would heal in due time, and his vessel was unharmed.

Cas was holding his hand. He understood now why humans liked to touch each other so much. He really enjoyed the feeling. They should do this more often -

The same feeling he'd experienced when he had touched Cas' cheek swept through his vessel. He didn't understand, but it was good, it was right to have the Righteous Man next to him. He knew that much.

And he'd almost -

What they had done to him -

He frowned. What had they done, exactly? He wasn't exactly keen to relive it, but the others needed to know. He wasn't dumb. He knew he was a risk. He could be following orders now without being aware of it.

He needed to remember.

They had taken him. He had managed to send Sam away, at the cost of his own freedom; but what did that signify? Sam could look after himself, and he could protect Cas; and that was all Dean cared about.

John was there. He had expected him to be here, in this cold, sterile room in Heaven he would have believed he recalled vaguely from nightmares, but angels didn't dream -

The - did something to him - that -

And then he had to -

But he didn't want to -

_The needle -_

"He's convulsing!"

The words meant little to him as he trashed around, pain flaring up in his head.

When he came to, there were soft fingers running through his hair.

"Cas?" he whispered.

"Be quiet. You shouldn't speak."

But he had to. Suddenly, he remembered everything perfectly.

He had to tell them -

And then he was out again.

When the seizure got worse, Sam pushed Cas out of the way with some difficulty. Dean still had his strength, and he would never forgive himself if he hurt the hunter.

He held him down and looked helplessly at Bobby.

Their old friend paled and shook his head. Whatever was going on, he hadn't heard of it.

Or, Sam thought bitterly, he had known, they had known, and had it cut out of them.

Dean had been doing well until - what, exactly? He'd been holding Cas' hand from the start. He'd already been talking when it had begun. So what was the matter?

Of course, it could still be either of those things with a delayed reaction.

Dean stopped trashing a few minutes later. Sam held unto him a little longer, just to be sure. Then he let go.

Cas was shaking but pulled himself together.

"Did I - "

Sam hated to admit it. Bobby had no such qualms, probably because he knew, as Sam did but was loathe to admit, that Cas would rather learn the truth than be told a comfortable lie.

"It's possible. They might have put a trigger in his mind. So that he can't tell us anything. And well, you're close... Could be that you're it."

Cas swallowed. The possibility of never going near Dean again...

"I'll be downstairs, just in case" he said and left.

Had he really caused this? He'd known from the first that he had no business being friends with an angel, let alone…

"Is he awake?" Zachariah, who had once more been buried in a book, asked.

"Not anymore" Cas replied and, at his astonished glance, explained.

"Hm" Zachariah mused at the end of his story. "I don't know about you, but I'm not particularly fond of these winged bastards right now."

"Me either" Cas managed. Zachariah mustered him with too-obvious pity in his eyes.

"I'm sure whatever it is, they can fix it. I haven't known Dean long, but from what you told me, I'd guess he's pretty stubborn."

"You can say that again" Cas agreed. If Dean weren't, he wouldn't be lying upstairs right now. He would be safe, an obedient soldier, yes, but safe.

Right now, it sounded far better than the alternative.

"Don't beat yourself up over this. It was his decision to help you."

"I know. I just wish..."

He saw Zachariah unconsciously touch his right pocket, where he knew his wallet with the picture of his family he always carried around with him was, and he blushed at the association.

What if his feelings were one of the reasons they had taken Dean in the first place? What if it was not only a punishment for him, but for the hunter as well? He had dared to lust after an angel; surely that was a sin. It had to be. After all, he had read the bible.

What if Dean was the one paying for his mistake? What if he had condemned the angel to this?

His sin was not worth Dean's suffering.

"Dean? Do you know where you are?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Wherever you brought me to keep me safe, I'd say" Dean grumbled and Sam chuckled.

"You're right there."

"Where's Cas?" Dean demanded. "He was here, wasn't he?"

Of course. But they couldn't be sure it was Dean and not the programming asking the question.

"He' s here. But Dean...remember when you woke up before? You had a seizure..."

"Angels don' t get seizures" he reminded him. Sam smiled sadly.

" We shouldn't. But Dean... We can't be sure what they did to you... Do you remember anything before you began to convulse?"

"I-" Cas had been there; Cas had held his hand and run his fingers through his hair... He knew that. He had been trying to… There was something they had to - had to know -

"Dean, stop!"

He didn't know what had happened, but suddenly Sam was clinging to his shoulders.

"You were shaking again" he explained. "What were you thinking about?"

Dean frowned. "I was trying to remember something important. What they told me..."

Pain shot through him, making it impossible to think, to speak.

"Don't do that. Don't think about it, boy" Bobby told him, and when Dean forced himself to think of something else, Cas' smile flashing through his mind, the pain stopped.

" Well, at least we know what it is" Bobby commented. "Go and tell Cas. He looked like someone kicked his puppy when he left".

Sam, guessing that this had as much to do with Bobby wanting to be alone with Dean as it had with Cas, left immediately.

" Sorry you had to go through this" Bobby began as soon as the door closed behind him.

"It's not your fault" Dean answered. "How -"

"Your brother summoned me" Bobby said. "He freaked when you were gone".

"We're brothers too" Dean reminded him, although in Bobby's case, the word felt... wrong.

"I know" he replied, but in a way it wasn't true. Angels were so damn unimaginative when it came to describing something, it was infuriating. While he'd been hiding in Heaven's library, he had had much time to read. Humans were much better when it came to this stuff. No, he and Dean weren't brothers in the way he and Sam were.

"And you helped them? After all this time?

Bobby sighed. "I didn't just keep to myself 'cause I felt I'd fought enough battles. I kept to myself 'cause I'd realized what was going on with the brainwashing and all and in case they came for me anyone I was close to was in danger."

"And you didn't try to do anything about it?"

"I was all alone the. And I didn't have your motivation."

Dean felt his face flush and looked away. Bobby had noticed too.

Cas had been holding his hand when he had woken up. And later he had stroked his hair. It had felt... good. Right, even. But Cas was his charge; he was supposed to watch over him, not... lust after the hunter. And lust was a sin.

Then again, in the grand scheme of things he had done since he had met Cas, it probably weighed lightly in comparison.

But Cas cared for him. He had held his hand watched at his side. His heart beat faster at the thought.

His? Yes, his. Since he had grown close to Cas, he felt even more bound to his vessel. To be honest, he had always admired Machidiel. He had been a brave soul. He hopey his Heaven was all he could wish for.

"Where are we?"

"Another house of the older fellow, if I got it right. Bit of a paranoid bastard, if you ask me; I like him."

"Course you do" Dean muttered. "Are we protected?"

Bobby nodded. "The house is safe. Plus..." he hesitated. "Zachariah found a sigil. We carved it into our vessels, and yours. We're locked into them, now. They can't drag us back".

"Bobby, you shouldn't have!" Dean exclaimed. He had little to no problem with staying inside his vessel. It meant he could eat and actually taste pie, and of course speak to Cas face to face. But he felt bad for Bobby and Sam. And apparently they had no idea what exactly it entailed to be bound to their vessels. Otherwise Bobby would have told him. But at least they couldn't be taken back to Heaven as he had before. It was a start.

"I - remember being sent to fetch Cas. I snapped out of it, but.."

"I know it ain't easy, kid. Another reason I bailed."

"Did they ever -" Dean began. Bobby nodded.

"I was a young angel once too" he said. "I don't remember most of it, of course. But I figure most of us were readjusted at some point."

"That was never God's plan" Dean said bitterly.

"No it wasn't. I don't know when we forgot that."

They were silent for a moment, then Bobby began, "Anyway, gonna check on your favourite human. I'll send him up soon".

Dean thought of protesting, but he really wanted to see Cas. So he said nothing and Bobby left.

When Sam came down, Cas jumped up from the couch and ignored the look Zachariah shot him.

"How is he?"

"They put some kind of trigger in his mind - when he tries to remember what they told him, it hurts. As long as he doesn't think about it he's alright."

Cas' shoulders sagged with relief.

"Bobby is with him now."

"I assume they have a lot to talk about".

Sam smiled. "You're right; it's been millennia."

Cas couldn't even imagine knowing anyone that long.

It still seemed to be quite some time before Bobby came down again.

He smirked at Cas. "He wants to see you".

He hastened up the stairs.


	20. Chapter 20

He knocked before he entered the room, Dean's cheerful "Come in!" bringing a smile to his face.

"How are you?" he asked the angel, who was sitting up on the bed.

"I'm fine, no need to get all protective over me".

After what Dean had been through, Cas begged to differ, but he wouldn't tell him. Not right away.

"There's something you have to know" Dean began, "I can't even begin to think about it because I just start seizing, but -"

"Dean, stop" Cas said quickly. He didn't want a repeat of what he had witnessed only a short while ago.

"But -"

"No but. You are not supposed to think about it. You know what happens. You should rest and get better."

Dean huffed. "I'm an angel. There's no need to look after me..."

"Half an hour ago you were comatose" Cas reminded him. "You're staying in bed".

Dean sighed. "Alright, but not for long".

It was more than Cas had expected.

He bit his lip.

" Dean -"

"Don't you dare" he interrupted him. "Don't you dare apologize for what those dicks did to me."

It still seemed incredible that his own brethren would take their siblings and torture them, and that this had been going on for centuries ,millenia, even, no one able to stop it... He didn't blame Bobby for choosing to stay out of harm's way. If there hadn't been Cas and the Apocalypse to consider, he would probably have done the same.

He realized he'd first thought of Cas and then the imminent destruction of the world. When had his priorities got so scrambled? Yet be couldn't deny that the hunter was more important to him than God's other creations. It was blasphemy, of course. But after what he had gone through at the hands of those he had thought of as his brothers, he was entitled to a little disobedience.

And even if he wasn't... Sitting next to Cas in this very moment...

It felt right. It made sense. More sense than anything else in his existence.

"Thank you" he said. "For doing everything you could to get me out, for finding Bobby... And for snapping me out of it."

"There wasn't much to do" Cas said honestly. "You were fighting against the control on your own"

"I wouldn't have made it without you" he admitted. He knew he shouldn't dwell on what had taken place, lest it provoke another attack; but at the same time, he couldn't help but remember. And he knew that, if Cas, if Sam hadn't looked at him with obvious fear in their eyes, he wouldn't have been able to resist the commands ingrained in his mind. He shuddered as he contemplated how often he must have obeyed blindly, how often he had been made to forget what he had learned. And Sam...

He swallowed. If he had been dragged into that room (drilling in his skull- o, no, don't think about it) often enough, and he felt reasonable sure of that, then how many times had Sam been there?

He felt the rest of his loyalty break. They hurt Sammy. They wanted him to hurt Sammy. The torture paled in comparison .

And what they would have done with Cas if he had followed his orders...

He shivered. Cas reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

"It's alright. You are safe here."

"And what if you aren't?" he asked quietly. "They did who knows what to me. I could snap any minute."

"No. You didn't before, you won't now" Cas told him, trusting him completely, and Dean knew he would do his outmost to hold on to his sanity. For Cas.

"Alright" he conceded. There was no harm in that. Cas was, after all, just a man, albeit the one with the brightest and bravest soul Dean had ever seen (he missed the sight a little, now that he was in his vessel and Cas in his body, and in case he couldn't hold on -

Someone would have to stop him.

He would talk to Sam later. Or to Bobby. If he ever snapped...

But right now, he was with Cas. Right now, they were safe, and they were together, and everything felt right.

Father, if you think this a sin, why did you make Man so beautiful?

He swallowed. The sigil they had carved into his - and he would finally admit to himself that it had been a long time since he had thought of his vessel as such, and had started thinking of it as his body - skin had little effect on him; in fact, he was so attuned to the shape he had taken that he doubted he would be able to feel any difference at all. He would have to ask Sam about this, too. He and Bobby might be affected more strongly. Not everyone was as connected to his bond as Dean.

He was beginning to think he had always been a somewhat strange angel, long before he had met Cas.

Although the hunter certainly had made... disobeying easier for him.

"So. Zachariah is really useful, I must say."

It wasn't what he wanted to talk about, not really. But how should he even begin? Would Cas even want him to? And was he allowed to? Cas was human. He certainly desired human company, although Dean had seen that he kept mostly to himself when he had touched his soul.

Cas nodded. "He has been an asset to the community".

Dean suppressed a smile. Sometimes Cas talked like a dictionary.

He wished he could remember what he had learned. He only knew it had been important, very important; and what if they lost, what if Cas was lost, because he didn't know anymore? Because of that damn trigger they had put inside his mind -

"Dean". Cas had taken his hand again. "You were shaking. Do you need me to call Sam or Bobby?"

He shook his hand as he looked at their intertwined hands, the gesture bringing him more comfort than he would have thought.

"Just wish I could remember, that's all".

"Don't try" Cas admonished him. "You're no good to me - to us in a coma".

He flushed when he realized his mistake. He had meant to say to us from the beginning, he was sure of it; but that helped little when his mouth ran away with him. He might have admitted to himself that he had feelings for the angel, but he was never going to reveal them. Once this was over, if they were still alive, Dean, Sam and Bobby would return to (a hopefully reformed) Heaven and Cas would be left on earth to continue hunting, alone as he had always been.

Only then, he would be well and truly alone as well. He hadn't been before, not like that, because he hadn't known then what it was to be in love. He had never even considered it. His life was a dangerous one, too dangerous for romantic entanglement.

It only fit that he should finally find himself in love with the most unattainable creature on the planet.

He let go of his hand because he had to. He shouldn't use Dean's weakened condition as an excuse to touch him.

Dean frowned when Cas moved away. Was he disappointed that Dean didn't remember, despite what he said? Was he angry because Dean wasn't useful to them in his state?

"I'll be careful" he promised because Cas had asked him to be, "but we need the information."

"Dean" Cas sighed. Zachariah had been quite right when he had described the angel as stubborn.

"The last time you tried to tell us, you had a seizure. It's not safe."

"Screw safe, Cas" Dean replied, moving away from him. "This is the Apocalypse. I'm not more important than stopping that."

_To me you are_ lay heavy on Cas' tongue, and the fact that it was true scared him. "That may be, but it would be better if you were there to stop it, don't you think?" he argued.

If he didn't, Dean might do something harsh, and God knew what it would do to his mind. Cas couldn't allow that to happen.

"And what if it turns out they told me something really important -"

"Why should they? They hurt you, they were going to use you to attack us. They wouldn't tell you anything that could help defeat them."

"That's not how an angel would feel. They would believe that their control over me was complete. They have been ruling this way for a long time, ever since God left and few, if any, have even tried resisting them."

Cas didn't like it, but he certainly had to trust Dean's opinion. He didn't know how angels thought. He couldn't possibly imagine.

However, that still wasn't a strong enough reason to risk Dean. They couldn't know for sure.

"Alright" he conceded "but until we think you definitely know something, please don't think about it. You promised."

Dean grimaced but nodded and Cas tried to convince himself that the distance that was suddenly between them was a good thing. He needed to protect himself. For the time he would be alone again.

"So when can I get out of bed?" Dean asked.

"Not yet. You should at least wait until tomorrow."

He sighed, reminding Cas once more of a

"I'm an angel. I don't sleep. What am I supposed to do?"

"You could read" Cas suggested, then pointed at a small old TV set. "Watch television. Meditate."

Dean snorted. "Not exactly prone to contemplation" Dean said.

Cas chuckled and the slight tension in the room dissipated.

"I didn't think so. I should warn you though, daytime television is not exactly the best."

Dean's eyes lit up, however.

"Maybe _Doctor Sexy MD_ is on!"

And so Cas learned that the angel who had rescued him from Hell and fought countless battles was hopelessly addicted to one of the worst medical dramas he had ever seen. There was a reason he rarely used the TV in motels, but Dean was fascinated by the soap opera.

"Seriously?" Cas moaned when the third nurse decided to spontaneously make out with Doctor Sexy in half an hour. "I do hope you don't believe this is what goes on in hospitals."

"Nah" Dean replied. "After I discovered the show, I flew to one and I checked. I have to say I was rather disappointed."

Cas stared at him, and when Dean couldn't hold back his laughter, he joined in. "But seriously, Cas, you are unfair to this piece of art."

Cas snorted.

"I mean it. It's all so... emotional". Dean sounded almost wistful. "They're all about feelings, and they're so strong, too."

Cas moved to the side on the bed, so that a few more inches separated them. He had never asked whether angels experienced the same feelings and desires as humans did, but come to think of it, it was impossible. They had existed far longer than Cas could even imagine; and Dean being so fascinated with feelings, it seemed clear that he had never really known them. Cas should distance himself before the angel realized what he was feeling towards him.

Dean was watching Cas intently, even though he was acting like he was completely focused on Doctor Sexy. He knew that he shouldn't drop hints, and he certainly shouldn't expect or wish the hunter to reciprocate. But he had hoped for a better reaction than Cas moving away. After all, just a second ago he had been more or less pressed to his side. Or maybe he hadn't understood him? This 'subtlety' humans often spoke of still confused Dean. Many things concerning humans still confused Dean. Feelings not least of all.

"So you think it's a good thing? Feeling strongly like that?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged his shoulders. "I honestly don't know. What I do know is that it makes things more... real".

Cas looked at him. Without meaning to, Dean found his gaze wandering from his eyes to his lips.


	21. Chapter 21

Dean's heart was hammering in his chest. He idly wondered whether their protection had made him even more attuned to his vessel; but, really, did it matter with Cas in front of him? He brought his hand up to cup Cas' face. He had seen humans do this countless times, and he had never understood how they could look at one another as if they were sacred, as if they were staring into the face of God; he knew now.

Cas' cheek was warm, soft. He leaned into his touch.

Dean knew or rather suspected some of his siblings had... enjoyed certain pleasures despite the punishments that had met their brothers millennia ago when they had lain with humans; whether Sam or Bobby had ever done something similar, he had never contemplated, or rather, never dared to ask.

But he could understand it now. Understand that getting to know a human, even if one could no longer see his soul (and now and then, he mourned that Cas' flesh hid the bright light that had guarded him in Hell), getting to know him, was enough to tempt any angel; and that his siblings had fallen into an all too sweet trap.

Dean had never tasted the forbidden fruit. But he really wanted to now. And he could. It was clear Cas wished him to. Or at least he didn't have anything against it.

Dean leaned forward.

For a second, Cas was going to let him kiss him. He wanted to, had wanted to almost as long ys he had known Dean. When Dean leaned forward, his body responded.

Their lips were almost touching when he remembered.

Not only was Dean an angel - and it was entirely possible that he was committing a sin with Cas - but he was not in his right mind. They didn't know what the other angels had done to him; he might have been ordered to... seduce Cas... to make him more vulnerable. And even if this was not an order implanted into his mind, could Cas trust that this was what he wanted? He didn't think, didn't feel like humans; he might mistake sympathy, comradeship for something more.

So he moved back, regretting it even at that moment. But he would have hated himself if he had let it happen, let Dean kiss him, if the angel hadn't wanted him. And really, who would want him? He was a hunter who had nothing to offer but the prospect of an early and violent death, he well knew; and for an angel of the Lord, a being who had seen civilizations fall, to wish to be with him...

Dean had never really propositioned a human before, but it was not difficult to figure out what it meant when Cas frowned and moved away.

He had been wrong. The hunter didn't want him, and he had tried to -

He swallowed and looked away. Should he apologize? Would it only make Cas angry?

"I -" he began, stopped.

"You need rest" Cas interrupted him. "Just call out if you need anything."

As soon as the door closed behind the hunter, he cursed himself. Call out if you need anything? Really? Dean was an angel; he could probably conjure up anything he needed just by will force alone.

And then there was... the other thing.

Cas had almost allowed Dean to kiss him. He'd wanted him to. And then he'd realized what he was about to do.

Dean couldn't have meant it. Not in the way Cas had. He had never managed to keep a single soul with him, not even his own family, so why would an angel be interested in him? Why would an angel want to kiss him? And did Dean even understand what it meant? Maybe ne had just been thankful because Cas was looking after him. Maybe he didn't grasp what it meant. If he had, he would never have tried to -

Cas wasn't worth much. He had still trouble to accept that he was the Righteous Man, destined to stop the Apocalypse. Why should Dean, why should a being as pure and good and old as Dean, want to kiss him? There was no reason. There could be no reason. Maybe he had realized Cas' attraction towards him and had thought it right to respond. Maybe he bad wanted to be kind. And maybe...

Cas' blood ran cold.

What if their almost kiss was a result of what Dean had been through? Maybe they had ordered him to do anything to make Cas trust him. In that case, he really had never wanted to kiss him, and he almost had -

Cas leaned against the wall. He was disgusted with himself. He hoped it had just been a mistake of dean's. It was infinitely better than the alternative.

Until he knew for sure, he would keep what had happened to himself. He knew of course that he should have told the others; but he couldn't stand the thought. He was aware that, no matter how he told them, his feelings would be open for everyone to read (more open than they already were, anyway) and he didn't want that. No, until he absolutely had to tell them about their almost kiss, he wouldn't.

Dean wasn't sure what had happened. Had he done something wrong? Cas had acted like he had. But he had leaned into his hand, didn't he? That must mean he liked Dean too.

If only he understood humans - not just how they aced, but why. He could easily pass off as human, his frequent excursions to earth having made sure of that; but when it came to the finer stuff, like emotions, he was lost. Why had he tried to kiss him in the first place? Cas probably wanted another human. Someone who could truly understand him. Dean was a renegade angel who liked to play at being a man. And Cas... He was the Righteous Man. Destined for great things. Dean never had been. Dean had always been a solder, and now he wasn't even that. He had rebelled. He was nothing.

Of course Cas didn't want him. Why would he?

Father, I am sorry. Just give me the strength to protect him, to help him stop the Apocalypse. I don't care what happens to me afterwards.

Sam didn't know what had happened, but Cas looked... panicked when he came back down. sad. Sorry.

It was a strange mixture of emotions that had to mean something had gone wrong, but if Dean had taken a turn for the worse, Cas would undoubtedly have told them immediately.

Therefore something must have happened between them. He didn't know what; despite all the time he had spent on earth, he couldn't read humans well; normally he would have asked Dean, with how often his brother snuck away to have some fun; but he couldn't very well do that now.

He traded a worried glance with Bobby. Zachariah might have been able to help them, but he hadn't looked up from the book he was reading. Chances were he hadn't even noticed something was amiss.

"How is he doing?" Bobby asked finally. Cas looked up, blushed.

"Better. I told him to stay put."

Bobby nodded. "The kid needs it."

"I wouldn't count on him staying there for long, though" Cas added, looking strangely guilty.

"We just need him to rest long enough to..." Sam began, but broke off. To... do what, exactly? They couldn't undo the damage the other angels had caused Dean. They didn't even know what it was. He could lose his mind any second. He almost had when they met.

Cas seemed to think the same. He wouldn't meet Sam' eyes. Although that could have been a side effect of whatever had just taken place between them.

Sam would have thought that they would be happy to be together again, with Dean (for now, at least) in control of himself.

Humans. Feelings. He was starting to think they would always confuse him.

Dean tried to rest, he really did; and for the first time, he was envious of the human need to sleep. Right now, sinking into unconsciousness didn't sound so bad. But as it was, he was lying on the bed, his Grace almost humming with restlessness, wishing he could just fly somewhere, anywhere. But his friends thought he should stay here, and he didn't really have an option where to go, considering pretty much the whole of Heaven as after he escaped prisoner.

A few weeks ago, he had been a good, honorable soldier; now he was nothing but -

He shook his head to clear it. He might have been a soldier, but he had never been good or honorable. they must have put that thought it in his head. But at least he had recognized it. That gave him hope. if he could identify the thoughts they gave him, he was definitely back in control.

And that meant he could help Cas.

If only he could have remembered what they didn't want him to know! It had been important to get Cas because - because - his mind felt fuzzy again and he forced himself to stop. He didn't want to freak his friends out again by going into another seizure. But there had been an important reason why he had received orders to get Cas to follow him; he was sure of that.

"The question is" Bobby announced, eyeing Cas, "Why they should wanna kidnap you in the first place. Don't get me wrong, you're the Righteous Man whose coming was foretold, you are definitely important, but what can you possibly do against the Apocalypse? Despite everything, you are just a man."

Cas nodded, his face blank. Bobby wondered what he and his boy had talked about. Whatever it had been, Cas was not happy about it, and Dean certainly couldn't use any stress right now.

However, Bobby wouldn't have let the hunter upstairs if he hadn't been convinced that all was well between them; so what had happened? What could possibly have happened in an hour?

He reminded himself that, as far as Heaven was concerned, they were no living like humans and therefore at human time, and the answer was simply a lot.

He really wanted to ask, but he knew it wouldn't be welcome, so he decided to tackle the other problem at hand, and that was why the angels had wanted Cas to begin with. If only he had pulled his head out of his ass sooner, instead of being content to stay in the library and read obscure manuscripts! He had lost touch with what exactly they were planning up there centuries ago, although he had now and then heard rumors (and how good that he had, otherwise they would never have been able to help Dean).

But as to the daily workings of the host, the plans to bring on the Apocalypse... he had lost touch with that because he had realized how blindly his brethren was willing to follow every written line instead of thinking for themselves - in fact, that was considered disobedience.

So now they had to figure out for themselves why Cas was special.

"Any chance you got a prophet in your family? A seond cousin twice removed or something?"

The names of important bloodlines were ingrained into his mind; he was, after all, considerably older than Sam and Dean. Sadly, Novak didn't ring a bell.

Cas shook his head. "My father's family have always been hunters. and I don't think that my mother's has anything to do with this."

"What was her last name before she was married?" Bobby asked, more out of desperation than because he expected that it would lead to something.

And then Cas said, "Godson. But I don't think -"

He stopped talking when he saw Bobby's face.

"Bobby? What is it?"

Godson. Son of a -

"Don't freak out" he explained carefully, "but you might be Michael's vessel."


	22. Chapter 22

"Michael's vessel? What - what do you mean?" Cas stammered. Of all the possibilities he had been contemplating, this one had never occurred to him. He, the vessel of an -

"The archangel?" he continued.

Bobby nodded. "I should have realized sooner. A pure, brave soul, destined to save the world -"

He would have laughed at the thought of being pure - he remembered too well that he had been about to give in when Dean had rescued him - if he hadn't been so confused.

As it was, Bobby continued undeterred, "Godson. Your mother's bloodline has been long destined to bear the weight of an archangel's Grace. I must say, bringing it together with a hunter bloodline is a nice touch."

"We can talk about how freaking nice it was once you've explained what this means for Cas" Zachariah interjected and Cas was surprised at the worry in his voice. Amidst all the blood and gore and lore, he had made a friend without realizing it.

"It explains why they want Cas so badly. Michael needs a vessel to fight Lucifer once the Apocalypse has started."

"But the seals haven't broken yet" Cas argued. Bobby raised an eyebrow.

"Do you really think they're worried about it not coming to pass, with the whole of Heaven working for it without even knowing? They'll need you later, so they want to make sure they have you now. And of course, once they got you, it would only be a matter of time before you say yes. Torture in Heaven... think of anything you went through in Hell and take that by a million."

Cas shuddered involuntarily.

"Also explains why they're so angry at Dean."

"What do you mean?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but guilt is a strong motivator for humans, right? They probably wanted you to break in Hell. Start torturing souls. So you'd be responsible for breaking the first seal. you'd want to do everything you could to fix it, of course, and if any other angel had rescued you, one who did what they told him, he would have persuaded you to become Michael's vessel."

"So because Dean was there in time...

"Because Dean put his nose in things he really shouldn't have, we're in this mess. I, for one, am glad the boy screwed it all up."

Yes, Dean was too good to serve Heaven. Too good for everything, really. The memory of their almost kiss flashed through his mind. No, he didn't deserve Dean. He never had, he never would.

"Alright, so Dean screwed up the whole plan. So they kidnapped him and tried to make him get Cas. But he screwed that up, too."

Sam sounded proud, and Bobby couldn't hide a smile as he answered, "Yeah, he did, and it bought us time. And we got Michael's vessel -"

"Cas" he snapped, "My name is Cas".

He certainly had no wish to be known as Michael's vessel from then on. Bobby nodded.

"Sorry, son. But point is, you're with us, not with them. They probably would have kept you in isolation so that you had no choice but to say yes. At least you're safe, for now."

It was a strange definition of the word "safe", but Cas supposed it was the closest he had ever got to be.

Angels didn't sleep, but Dean did his best to meditate. He didn't want to think about what had almost happened, or how much he had wanted it.

The trouble was, every time he managed to find something like rest, he shivered and images he didn't dare to think about because he didn't want another seizure flashed through his mind.

_The needle. He was strapped to a table, unable to get up, no matter how much he fought._

_"Be still. You are a disgrace. We will fix you."_

_The needle, it came closer -_

_"You will do what you have to do. You will bring the Righteous Man to us."_

_Pain, nothing but pain._

_"You will bring M -"_

He snapped out of it, his body feeling like it was in flames. Maybe the sensations were stronger because of the sigil after all. Once it subsided, he lay on the bed, panting. At least now he knew there was very specific information they didn't want him to remember. The torture itself was fine, apparently.

Of course it is, he thought bitterly. And you called these your siblings. You trusted John. You looked up to John.

It could only have been John who had reported him, who had made them get him and Sam. He was their immediate superior, it was his responsibility to make sure they stayed in line. And he had never shown anything else than blind obedience, he had never thought for himself, Dean felt that now, already his friendship with Cas had given him more than millennia fighting under John ever had.

He would never wish what he had lived through inflicted upon anyone, not even John. It was too brutal, too evil. Why had they strayed so far from the mission God had left them? Why had they not been content with protecting his most beautiful creations?

Cas' face appeared in front of him, the blue eyes looking at him as they had when he had pulled back. He wished he understood humans better, could read them better. He got on well enough with superficial feelings; Cas was anything but superficial though.

He knew he had to find out what the angels didn't want him to know. Even if he died in the process.

"Should we tell Dean?" Cas asked, ignoring the fact that this was the first thing that popped into his head after he had found out he was an archangel's vessel, "or will it cause him to seize up again?"

"It might" Bobby answered, clearly torn, "But I don't see how we can keep it from him. It's kinda important."

"And if we go slow? Tread carefully? He will realize immediately we got something, and he'll want to know."

"And don't we all know how stubborn he can be" Bobby muttered. "All of Heaven didn't get through his skull."

"So we tell him" Cas said. The angels nodded; Zachariah didn't look as convinced, mustering Cas with obvious sympathy.

"Let's get it over with" Sam sighed. "If we don't, he'll just get angry that we didn't do it sooner."

Cas led the way.

When he opened the door and saw Dean lying completely still on the bed, he almost reeled back before he remembered that angels didn't need to breathe and, after all, he had told Dean to get some rest.

"Dean is meditating" Sam said s soon as he saw his brother.

"Good for him, but we haven't got time." Before they could say something, he punched Dean on the shoulder. He groaned and opened his eyes.

"God damnit, Bobby, I was only doing what Cas told me to."

"Oh, so you're listening to him." Bobby paused.

"What is it?" Dean asked immediately, looking at each of them in turn.

"Dean..." Sam started slowly, unsure, "We think we know what they didn't want you to tell us. "

"Great! What is it?"

Sam hesitated. It was Cas who spoke next.

"You are in pain every time you try to remember. We don't know what it will do to you..."

Dean snorted. "Can't be really more incapable of anything than I am now. Tell me."

Cas begged to differ, remembering the catatonic angel he had held on to, but he had learned there was little he could say when Dean had that stubborn look on his face.

He sighed and nodded at Sam. They were so close that he should be able to tell instantly when the programming affected him. He would know when to stop.

"It's about Cas" he prepared him. "We think he's Michael's vessel."

_Fire._

_Pain._

_His Grace was burning, his wings were being torn to shred._

_"God's word has to be fulfilled, Bring us Michael's vessel."_

_He thought he screamed, but he wasn't sure._

_"Bring us Michael's vessel, Dean. And perhaps, in time, you'll be forgiven."_

"DEAN!"

He came to with Cas' blue eyes incredibly close and reached out and twisted his hands in his t-shirt.

"Not... Just remembering" he managed to say, closing his eyes and shivering. This must have been some of the worst pain he had ever felt in his existence. and even now, as he thought about what he had seen, he felt the urge to hold tighter on to Cas and bring him to the other angels, because that was what he was supposed to do, because he had to follow his orders -

No. no he didn't. And he wouldn't. He wouldn't do that to Cas. Cas was a good man. Cas was his friend. Cas was -

He opened his eyes.

"How are you feeling, sport?" Bobby asked.

_If you have to, kill the traitors_. Dean forced the thought away.

"I'm alright" he said, "by no means thrilled at the news, but okay."

He should have known there was another reason Heaven had wanted Cas so badly. After all, they had kidnapped and brainwashed him just to get to the hunter. But the thought of him being a vessel was very unpleasant indeed.

There was a reason he and Sam had taken their vessels at the end of their lives, although they had denied it to themselves then. Even though they had to have the humans consent, possession was not pleasant for the vessels. they got dragged cross all of Heaven and earth, if the angel died, they died with him, and if the angel didn't decide to keep the soul unconscious, it lived as a prisoner in its own body, the burning fire of Grace flooding through it, without any chance of rest or sleep. Dean was glad were in Heaven; and he was sure that Bobby's vessel was too.

But Michael wouldn't care. Michael cared only about the prophesy being fulfilled; and until he had killed Lucifer, he would use Cas as he saw fit, and once he was done -

Dean had once seen a discarded vessel of the Archangel Raphael. The man had been burned out, almost an empty shell, cared for in a nursing home. He couldn't let that happen.

"You can't say yes" he implored Cas.

"Trust me, after my experiences with Heaven I certainly don't intend to."

Without thinking, Dean took his hand and squeezed it. To his surprise, Cas didn't move away. Cas hadn't wanted to kiss him, why did he allow him to hold his hand, then? Was this normal among friends? Dean had never noticed during his stays on earth.

"Just to recap" Sam said, "they might want Cas, but they can't be desperate yet. They still have enough seals left to break. I say we worry about that later - while keeping Cas safe, of course."

Dean's hand tightened around Cas'.

"Good, but then, which seal are they going to break next? We can't risk sneaking into Heaven. They'll be on red alert. And if they take one of you..."

He shuddered. _Father, don't let it happen_. Their Father couldn't have wanted this to happen to anyone. Not even disobedient worthless angels...

At least he could distinguish between his own thoughts and those that had been implanted in his mind, especially when Cas was close.

"Research it is, then".

Bobby actually sounded enthusiastic. Cas supposed he was good at it, since he had spent so much time in heaven's library. He had not yet wrapped his head around being an Archangel's vessel. Even after he had learned that angels needed vessels, he had certainly never supposed that he was one. Dean had spoken of the warrior who had given him his body with reverence; Cas was a hunter, but nothing special.

And - Michael. The one who was destined to fight the devil. And if he was in anyway like his followers -

Cas was screwed.

Dean squeezed his hand again and Cas looked into his bright green eyes.

Well, maybe not that screwed.


	23. Chapter 23

" _You have to find him."_

" _I know."_

" _Do you?"_

_Michael's voice was cold and controlled as always, but John recognized the underlying threat._

" _We have no idea why Dean broke through the control. We thought we had finally made him understand what is expected of him."_

_Once, John had held certain hopes for the angel. Dean was a capable enough soldier if he did as he was told; and maybe he could have been more, if John had been more careful. He should have separated him from Sam long ago. The other angel had only ever caused problems. And he had undoubtedly led Dean down the wrong path long before they had met Castiel Novak._

_But he and Dean alone could not have escaped. John felt sure of that. They had had help. But who would help them risk the fulfilment of God's work for two renegade soldiers? As far as they knew, no angels were missing. Everyone was at their right place, doing what they should be doing. Except for Sam and Dean._

" _The Righteous Man should be with us. This is unpardonable. I was assured that Dean had been treated."_

" _He was. We can't understand..." he broke off. It was no use discussing their failure with Michael; worse, it could almost be considered disobedience._

" _The procedure has to be changed. We cannot afford other angels to rebel. Not when we are almost at the end."_

_The end, yes. When Michael would kill Lucifer, as was foretold. John had been a young angel when Lucifer had fallen, but he remembered how beautiful he had been. Now he would die._

_First, however, they had to free him. There were many seals left; but at least, if the traitors tried to stop them, they would have to leave their hideout and they could be taken back to Heaven._

_They would have to be made an example of, naturally. Most other angels were obedient; there was little risk that they would be inspired by being told what exactly Dean and Sam had done. With any other angel, John would have suggested ripping out their Grace and letting them fall; however, since Dean and Sam loved the humans and earth so much, it would not be punishment at all. No, they would have to be imprisoned in Heaven forever, being punished regularly. And this time, they would hide them in the deepest confines of Heaven so that no one could break them out._

_It still troubled him. Michael was more concerned with finding his vessel, and John would never question an order; but someone had chosen one of Heaven's weakest spot to attack a guard and therefore set off an alarm that had temporarily distracted those that should have kept the room Dean and Michael's vessel were in sealed. Someone had known Heaven's weakest spot._

_It must have been an angel, and he must have been around for quite some time._

_John needed someone older than him – and other than Michael; he could never presume to introduce a topic when talking to an archangel – someone who knew every angel still alive; every angel who could have done this._

_The answer was so easy that he couldn't believe it when he finally thought of it._

_Robert._

_Robert, the brave soldier who had fought for God's glory again and again until he had decided to take care of Heaven's library; at the time, John had had his doubts; it had seemed too much like free will to choose one's occupation; but Robert had been adamant that it was what their Father wanted him to do and so he had disappeared into the library._

_Maybe that was why he hadn't thought of him immediately. He hadn't seen him in years. No one had. John rarely visited the library, content to fight, as was his destiny._

_He flew there now quickly. It was silent, as always, and he extended his Grace._

_He didn't find Robert._

_It didn't make sense; Robert hadn't left the library in a long time. John went through the corridors, looking for him, although he already knew he wasn't there. What could possibly –_

_And then he remembered._

_Robert, defending a young angel who had broken the lines during battle to save one of his brothers._

_Robert, giving the same angel advice._

_Robert smiling at the other angel, the one the disobedient soldier had saved, and telling him he had a good brother._

_Robert had always had a weakness for Sam and Dean._

_And it seemed he had decided to rebel for them._

_He couldn't make it public. Robert had been a symbol of an angel who had done his duty and was rewarded by the Lord for many; John couldn't risk destroying that. With two (now three) angels already in open rebellion, it was too dangerous to let it be known that Robert had joined ranks with the traitors. It was easy to doubt. Too easy. And since Michael had declared that most angels should be kept in ignorance of what was truly going on, they would probably be tempted to imagine that Robert was doing the right thing._

_He would have to alert Michael after all, he realized with a sinking feeling. But not right now; when he called him again. He would never appear uninvited in front of the most beautiful of God's soldiers._

Bobby was worried about the kid. Dean seemed to handle things fine for now, but what if he snapped back under Heavne's control? Bobby could easily imagine that they had planted enough commands in his mind.

Then again, he had already won once. He had not taken Cas and dragged him back to Heaven; he had not killed Sam. And he hadn't attacked them when he had woken up. All good signs. And he'd always been strong.

There was also the issue that someone was bound to notice Bobby was missing. Not that many came to visit him in the library; but the situation might just prompt someone to look for him.

He didn't mind as far as it meant severing his ties to Heaven. He had not been a soldier for millennia now. He had hidden away in the library like a coward, waiting for a sign.

He supposed the coming of the Righteous Man and the looming Apocalypse was a freaking sign.

As was their brothers hurting one of the best angels Bobby had ever known.

He wondered if it had been God's work that Dean had found Cas in Hell. Maybe their Father didn't want the Apocalypse to happen after all. But why, if that were the case, hadn't he come to prevent it?

He decided he wasn't going to touch that question with a ten-foot pole. They had to concentrate on the problem at hand, which yeah, was a really big problem, but then, he'd taken on some pretty big fish in his day. And just because his vessel was older than the boys' didn't mean he was in any way too old to fight.

" _Robert is gone" John hissed._

" _Are you sure, sir?"_

_Adam was looking at him like a good soldier should – his vessel's back straight, his face devoid of emotion; but John didn't like that he had questioned him regardless._

_He said nothing, allowing the silence to be his reprimand, and when Adam looked down, he knew he had understood._

" _I do not need to tell you that this has to be kept a secret. No one knows that Robert has rebelled, and so it shall stay."_

" _But... are we sure Robert rebelled, sir?" Adam sounded unsure, but John recognized exactly the reaction he had feared in other angels. Everyone looked up to Robert, who had after all been guarding God's written Word safely for a long time and had been a fearsome soldier before._

_He had chosen Adam because he was loyal, not like Sam and Dean. He had never questioned and order given to him, and John believed he never would. He might have been comparatively young, but he had already proven himself worthy on the battle field. He was the best choice for a covert operation. True, for some reason, Sam and Dean had always seemed wary of him, so that he couldn't hope to gain their trust; but they were traitors anyway, so it didn't matter much._

_To his regret, covert meant that Michael couldn't know either, not yet. But he was doing this for Heaven, for God. He prayed the archangel would understand. After all, finding Bobby might lead them to Castiel Novak. And he had been given the order to find the vessel..._

" _You are to find Robert. It will not be easy. Do not tell anyone else."_

_Adam nodded._

" _What am I to do when I find him?"_

_Always asking for orders if he didn't get them immediately, like an angel should; and yet, for the first time, John found himself getting impatient._

" _Bring him here."_

_It was tempting to have him kill Robert and hush the whole thing up. It could then be announced that Robert had chosen to leave Heaven willingly and watch over earth as a continuation of his God work; his reputation and the faith he installed in the younger angels wouldn't be harmed. But they had to know what he knew, had to know what the rebels planned. And Robert certainly was right in the middle of it. He had not only been a great warrior, but also a brilliant strategist._

" _As quietly as possibly. It mustn't be known."_

_Not even Adam would remember. Afterwards, he would be reset. He would continue to rise in the ranks, of course, but there was no reason for him to know what he had done. It was better to eliminate even the smallest risk of doubt, especially in a promising angel._

_Far more promising than Sam and Dean, really. If it hadn't been blasphemy, John would have considered that God had made them wrong. But their Father had made no mistakes._

" _I understand, sir."_

_Adam waited until he had been given permission to leave, then did so. John had already informed his garrison leader that he would be temporarily reassigned. He had asked no questions. No angel would._

_With Adam looking for Robert, he could concentrate on finding Dean. To his irritation, he was still – he still wished that Adam found Robert somewhere on earth, completely oblivious to what had passed. They had fought many fights together._

_He shook the head of his vessel angrily. In truth, he didn't like to use one. He never did unless he had to, and he always left it with a feeling of relief. He really should have known something was wrong with Sam and Dean. They hadn't left theirs in centuries. And Dean's visits to earth to amuse himself..._

_He was well aware that their failures reflected his. He should have known. And he had known – that was what made it all so frustrating. He had never known to angels who needed to be sent to be reset so often. But he had just considered their problems an anomaly._

_He should have separated them centuries ago. Their Father only knew what the prolonged exposure to one another had done to them. Perhaps they could have been saved at one point._

_But it was the will of their Father. Everything that happened was the will of their Father; and they would triumph in the end fulfilling his word._

"So we – Dean, what are you doing here?"

Bobby had just explained to them how corrupt he considered Heaven to be, making Cas shudder. If he was right, how could they win? How could they even hope to make a difference? But just as he was about to ask, he spotted Dean coming down the stairs.

"I was bored" he complained.

"I told you to rest – "

"But Caaaaaaaas – there's only reruns on now."

Cas huffed at the childish angel.

"Fine. But sit down."

And Dean eagerly sat down next to him, so close that Cas could feel his warmth.

That hadn't been what he had in mind.

 


	24. Chapter 24

Dean knew he shouldn't have sat down next to Cas. After all, the hunter didn't desire him like that, and never would. He was probably waiting for his life to return to the routine he had known – hunting without any angels popping up and ruining everything.

But he still wanted to be near him, and so far, Cas hadn't voiced any protests.

"Bobby" he said suddenly, the question only now having occurred to him, "what happens when they realize you're missing?"

Bobby shrugged. "They can't find me, and I'm locked in my vessel. They'll probably send someone to look for me, but good luck with that. I know a few tricks of my own."

Cas remembered that Bobby was one of the older angels. Just like with Sam and Dean, it was easy to forget that he had lived for millennia before Cas had been born. He didn't act like he had watched the world being born either.

How could he even presume to – he cut that thought of quickly, even though Dean was still pressed against his side.

"Bobby, I – "

Without him, the angel would still be safe in Heaven's library.

Bobby shook his head. "Forget it. About time I got back in the game. Books are nice and all, but it's not like I could have kept at it anyway with the Apocalypse."

"But won't Heaven survive? Earth will be destroyed, but Heaven – "

"Let's just say Michael's a bastard on his best days. Don't wanna see what happens after he kills Lucifer."

Cas shuddered as he remembered that he was supposed to be the angel's vessel, the one who would bring destruction on earth by agreeing.

"Hey, he wasn't talking about you. You're not a dick with wings." Dean said, before adding, "Not that I know Michael. I was always too bad an angel to be allowed in his presence."

"Be thankful. You'd have had to watch John sucking up to him". Bobby rolled his eyes. "You should have heard him when I decided to stop fighting."

He wished he hadn't left the boys behind in John's care though. Dean was clearly still affected by what had passed, although he tried to hide it. But he was definitely in control. Bobby would recognize that mischievous gleam in his eyes anywhere.

"So I tried to find some way to cut an angel off of Heaven, but I'm afraid I wasn't successful" Zachariah announced. They looked at him, surprised, almost having forgotten that he was there. He smiled humourlessly, guessing their thoughts.

"Aren't we already cut off?" Sam asked and the older man shook his head.

"Not like that. I was looking for something to help Dean. You know, separate the commands that have been implanted into his mind."

"Thank you" Dean said, honestly touched. "Really. But I'm okay. I can tell the difference."

Cas took his hand without thinking about it.

"It's not that difficult, actually. They mostly want me to "kill the traitors" and get Cas. Easy enough to identify."

"Doesn't mean they didn't put something subtler in there. Just tell us if anything feels weird."

"Don't worry. I won't risk your guys' safety."

"Sure" Bobby mumbled, looking down on their joined hands briefly. "Our safety."

Cas let go, blushing. He shouldn't have done that.

_Sending an angel mixed signals. Is that what it has come to?_

The voice in his head sounded very much like his father. Once again, he thought of his surprise when he had seen him, and of how little grief he had experienced since then. He had lost his father a long time ago. Before he had left.

"Anyway, since I can't help Dean" and there was no mistaking the regret in Zachariah's voice (and to think that a few weeks ago, Cas had believed him to be a cold bastard) "we should probably concentrate on the sigils. I don't know about you, but I'm not too keen on letting the Apocalypse happen."

"I think we agree on that" Sam said. "But there are so many seals..."

"And they only need sixty-six" Bobby commented. "Not to mention, we don't know them all."

"What do you mean? I thought – " Cas began.

"I'm certain there are more" Bobby interrupted him, "after all, Michael likes to keep things close to his chest. He probably kept some for himself so that no one could prevent the Apocalypse."

"Which will make it somewhat difficult to – you know, prevent the Apocalypse" Dean supplied helpfully.

"That seems to be the idea" Bobby agreed.

When had Cas gone from a friendless lonely hunter to a Righteous Man with several angel friends who liked to bicker the day away?

Still, it could have been worse. Someone else could have rescued him, someone else could have put him on the path to become the perfect vessel. He couldn't really imagine saying yes, but seeing what they did to Dean...

Yes, if he hadn't been saved by Dean...

Cas scooted a little closer to Dean against his better judgement, suddenly wondering where the angel's wings were. He remembered the shadows Dean had shown him, the wings that had reflected his vessel's freckles...

"Earth to Cas?"

He blushed. "Sorry."

He really shouldn't be thinking about that. He should be concentrating on preventing the Apocalypse. His crush on an angel would only make things even more complicated than they already were.

He really did always find the most difficult way.

"Alright. What would be the next logical seal? They would still use the "easy" ones first."

Dean chuckled. "Air quotes? Really?"

Cas really tried not to feel hurt – they really had better things to do. "What I meant" he said, "was that the same logic still applies. They are only two seals down."

At least there was that. There were sixty-four seals remaining. Although the rising of the witnesses jhad been bad enough. He didn't want to imagine what the others would bring. And then there were those who might or might not exist. Maybe the other angels just wanted them to think that –

He took a deep breath. He had to think logically.

Bobby was looking over the list. He frowned. "Something's missing."

"A clue?" Dean asked.

"Shut up" he murmured. "No. That's not it. But the first seal – the Righteous Man, well, not ours but still a Righteous Man shedding blood in Hell – that was a pretty big deal. Enough to jumpstart all of this. So there should be something big to end it as well. A seal that's supposed to be the last one broken, and only that."

Cas was thinking quickly.

"So you mean if we find it, and we prevent it from being broken – "

"Or break it in advance."

"Isn't that too risky?" Zachariah demanded. "How sure are we that sixty-six seals have to be broken?"

"Trust me, they have to be. I've been long around to know that."

Zachariah nodded, apparently convinced.

"So we're looking for a special seal amidst many other seals that we might not even know about."

"That's about it."

"Let's get started" Zachariah said simply.

A few hours later, Dean was ready to climb the walls. Not only because he had never been the most patient of angels, but also because, with nothing to do, the thoughts were stealing over him again.

They hadn't simply implanted their opinions; that would have been easier to handle. But they had interwoven the false thoughts with his own, so that sometimes, he barely noticed what he was thinking.

_We should have found something hours ago. That's what happens when you run away..._

He realized just in time what was going on. _Father, give me strength_ , he prayed. This couldn't be God's will. Them hurting each other, them controlling each other...

_At least Cas is safe. But is he, really? The Righteous Man should be doing what he is destined to do –_

He shook his head. You'll have to try harder than that. No matter what influence stole over him, he always knew that he couldn't do that to Cas, couldn't take him and bring him to the other angels. His bond with the hunter – the bond that had slowly started to grow with a handprint on his shoulder and a meeting in a diner – always brought him back.

He had no idea why God had chosen him to save the Righteous Man, but he knew that he would forever be changed because of it.

Angels are not supposed to change –

He angrily shook his head. He wouldn't betray his friends again. He wouldn't betray Cas again.

The fact that he had been prepared to do it lay heavily on his mind. How could he allow torture to break him so? And so quickly, too? He should have been stronger. Sam would have kept Cas safe; they wouldn't be forced to hide out here, with Dean still not up to his usual strength.

But where these really his regrets or was he supposed to feel like this? He rubbed his eyes. He supposed if he had been human he would have had a headache by now, and he certainly felt... uncomfortable. Maybe his sigil was more atuned to him because of the sigil. It would also explain why he suddenly craved to feel Cas' warmth under his hands –

No, that wouldn't do. He knew why, and it didn't have anything to do with sigils. And Cas had pulled back, so it was wrong to think about it anyway.

He sighed. This wasn't getting any easier.

"Dean?" Cas was looking at him. In fact, they all were. They were clearly worried about him. Dean bit his lip and stood up. "I need some air."

"Dean –"

He knew it wasn't a good idea, but at least the other angels couldn't find him, not with the sigils carved on his ribs and flesh.

"I said I need some air. Break some of the seals, would you? I feel like the roof's about to go down."

Cas was obviously against, but still scratched enough paint away to let Dean get out. He hadn't considered that with keeping angels out, they kept their angels in the house at the same time. He carefully watched Sam and Bobby and couldn't deny that they looked relieved, even though they tried to hide it.

Dean was out of sight of the house within three minutes, then he spread out his wings and flew. He didn't care where, as long as he got away from the house, the friends his thoughts kept telling him to deceive.

And then suddenly he wasn't desperate, he was pissed, and that might not be the best decision, but screw it, he was gonna try. He had been in their claws, and he had heard things, he was certain. They had made it difficult, almost impossible to remember without pain, but he had surely been listening. He always did. John had scolded him a few times for trying to listen in on his superior's conversations.

So he had to know what he had heard. He had to know what was going on. And perhaps, he would find a way out of this.

They couldn't really hope to stop Heaven break all sixty-six seals. They would try, of course, but it would be much better if they found an alternative. Like this last seal Bobby had spoken off.

Somewhere in Alaska (wrapping his arms around his vessel, surprised that he could feel the cold), he closed his eyes and did his best to meditate.

" _You have disappointed me, Dean. You are not a soldier. You barely deserve to call yourself an angel."_

_The needle came back again. He screamed and fought against his chains –_

He jolted out of the memory and barely managed to stiffen the scream his mind was projecting.

Adam had not expected to hear a shriek through the communication with his brothers he kept open at all times, unlike some other angels. It was barely noticeable, as if an angel was trying to hold back, but he recognized the voice anyway.

Dean.

And if John was right –

Robert wouldn't be far.


	25. Chapter 25

 

TV Shows » Supernatural » **Yet I Believe You, Messenger**  
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|  Author: Hekate1308  
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| Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Mystery - Reviews: 39 - Published: 08-31-15 - Updated: 02-15-16 | id:11482194  
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Something was wrong. Dean appeared to have some sort of illness – however, angels couldn't get ill. Therefore, Adam resigned himself to wait. Maybe he was meeting Robert here somewhere, or he would eventually go to find him.

However, he couldn't help but notice something else.

He had heard Dean's scream (and he had been lucky to do so) but he couldn't feel him, couldn't identify him as an angel, not even now when he was able to see him through the eyes of his vessel. They must have done something to ensure they weren't recognized. He would have to inform John as soon as he could, but he would not risk alerting Dean by trying to do it now. First of all, he would observe.

It was really strange to see Dean writhing on the floor in obvious pain. As far as he knew, this had never happened to another angel; maybe it was a punishment for disobeying? But shouldn't it be easy to find the rebelling angels then?

Actually, the longer he watched as Dean suffered in silence, the more he wished he could do something about it, even though he knew what Dean had dared to do, that he had rebelled (Adam shuddered at the thought).

There was only silence. The scream that had alerted Adam was the only one Dean permitted himself to utter. He was seizing on the ground, his whole body shuddering, his eyes tightly close, mumbling to himself. Adam didn't understand what he was saying.

Neither did he know how long it kept going. John had given him no orders pertaining to this situation. He was supposed to find Robert. He had hoped that Dean could lead him to him, but if Dean was unable to do so, what should he do? Should he kill Dean? But John wanted to make an example of Robert. Perhaps he wanted to do the same with Dean. Should he take him to Heaven? But then he'd miss his chance to find Robert.

Then, suddenly, Dean was still. Adam, surprised, quickly knelt down at his side and looked him over. He didn't appear to be injured. What –

Suddenly, Dean sprang up, his angel blade appeared in his hand and Adam reeled back.

To his surprise, Dean had only waited for him to jump away before vanishing.

And then Adam realized that Dean might not have attacked him because he hadn't attacked Dean.

He was left in Alaska, terribly confused.

" _Dig deeper. He is still fighting."_

_Dean was fighting, fighting against what they were doing to him, he didn't even know if this was still about Cas, about Sam, he only knew that he wanted it to stop hurting, the pain to go away, he hadn't deserved this, he couldn't deserve this, no one could, and the pain was not even the worst, no, the worst was that he was slowly forgetting where he was, he was forgetting anything but the pain, and then they told him things, things he was supposed to do, but he didn't want to –_

_Then, suddenly, the pain stopped and he was left lying on the slab, his whole Grace screaming out, but even then, he remembered, knew that he had to pay attention, that, if he ever got out, he might tell the others what he had overheard. Maybe the information would help them. He didn't think about being locked up in Heaven forever. He couldn't. He couldn't allow hopelessness to hinder him._

_A good soldier never gives up. He smiled weakly as he realized that one of the lessons John had drilled into him was actually helping him._

" _We will have to try something different..."_

_That didn't sound good. At all._

" _There has to be a way. He can be a good soldier. Once we carve these doubts out of him."_

" _He's in a far worse condition than those I usually treat, John. He clings to the mindset. They normally don't. It must have something to do with the Righteous Man – "_

" _Yeah, about that. You're sure you can't extract his location from Dean's mind?"_

" _No. He's built such strong walls around everything to do with him it wouldn't surprise me if – "_

" _Do not talk of blasphemy in my presence."_

" _I am sorry."_

_Dean wished he didn't understand what they were implying –_

He was vaguely aware that he was lying on the ground somewhere in Alaska and that the coldness was beginning to seep through his skin. The sigil. He was certainly feeling more and more like his vessel was his true body. It didn't matter. He had to go on. In case anything went wrong... Even if he... Sam and Bobby could take him. Definitely.

" _So what do you suggest?"_

_The angel – Ava, Dean remembered suddenly, she and Sam had once been good friends before she was chosen for "special work", and he had never imagined how special – sighed._

" _Let me try again."_

_As far as she could, she seemed to be sorry for him, but that didn't help when she started drilling into his skull again._

He had to remember. He had to. Had they done anything else, apart from torturing him? It seemed like they had. How long had they had him? They could easily control time. It could have been years. Still, he had to remember. For Cas.

" _Bring him to us, Dean –"_

" _NO!" he screamed. If he took Cas to Heaven, they would hurt Cas too –_

" _But you know your orders – "_

" _I don't care!"_

_More pain than he had ever felt, if he had still been in his vessel he would have bled, and perhaps that would have been better, better than his Grace screaming in voiceless agony._

His body – his vessel. Right. They had brought it to him later. How much later? He didn't know. After – After what?

" _Clearly, this is not working."_

" _John – "_

" _Think of something else before I start to wonder if perhaps treatment would do you good as well."_

_Of course Ava had tried even more after that, and then suddenly he was back in his vessel. He didn't understand, but they weren't hurting him anymore for the moment, and he was grateful._

_Deep inside him, he knew he still had to listen, knew he had to get back to Cas. Deep inside him, he was thankful that he had sent away Sam just in time._

_But it was difficult to remember, because on the surface, there were so many orders he was supposed to follow._

_And here he was, in an abandoned warehouse, and Cas was looking at him – no, that wasn't Cas. Something was missing behind his eyes._

" _Please, pleas don't take me –"_

" _I won't" he promised even as he pulled Cas towards him. No, he wouldn't take him to Heaven, he would –_

_Pain seared through him and Cas vanished._

" _You fool"._

_It was John._

_And so it went on._

_It grew worse and worse._

_And then they forced him to kill Sam, he watched as his blade plunged into his brother's chest and his Grace died._

_You are doing the right. It kept repeating itself in his head, but he didn't believe it, couldn't believe it –_

" _Sammy – " he sobbed –_

_More pain._

He was getting closer. He knew because at this point, the thought of going further was all but unbearable. But what else was he supposed to do? Keep reading? Pray for a miracle? God had left them long ago. What they had done to him in Heaven proved that.

_He was lying on the floor, gasping. He didn't know where he was, but he had just killed fake Sam and had brought fake Cas to Heaven, anything to make it stop hurting, and they were still not satisfied with him, he didn't know why –_

_He was a good soldier, he was a good angel, they fixed him –_

_They were talking, Dean wasn't supposed to listen, Dean wouldn't listen, John was his superior, he had to obey him, he had been wrong, so very, very wrong to rebel, the Righteous Man was only human, he had to obey Heaven, he had to –_

" _He's almost ready."_

_Ava, the good angel, she only did what was right, she hadn't meant to hurt him, she had fixed him, they had told him she had fixed him –_

" _Hurry. We need Castiel Novak."_

" _I will, but – " she sounded timid, no wonder, after all she was questioning her superior, she shouldn't do that, why would she do that –_

" _But?" John had a right to sound threatening, no soldier should act like she did, like Dean had, he had been wrong, so wrong, he didn't want the pain, no more pain, he couldn't take anymore pain, he was confused and dizzy, he didn't know what was going on around him, Father, i'll be good, why were they still hurting him, no they weren't, not at the moment, but he could still feel the needle, the needle, this needle, how it had stabbed and scratched and rolled around in his head, his Grace, he would always feel it –_

" _We do have a little more time, surely? I mean I would never but – it would be better if I took it slow this last time. To be sure I succeeded."_

_Better, that was better, she had to be obedient and good or some other angel would do to her what she had done to Dean, and he couldn't hate her for it because he had been bad, he had been so bad –_

" _You are right. Many things have to happen before Lilith will fall."_

" _What?"_

" _It is not important."_

Dean retrated from his memories and lay completely still, breathing in the fresh air. That was it. Taht was what he had been searching for. John had mentioned Lilith.

Lilith will fall.

But why would he talk about it? And why should she fall? Lilith was working towards the Apocalypse, just like the angels. Why should she be an obstacle?

Unless...

Her death had something to do with unlocking the cage.

And then Dean felt the other angel near him. Leaning over him. He stayed still, then jumped up with his angel blade in hand.

Adam. John must have sent him. Of course he would; Adam was his golden boy, the soldier who could do no wrong –

But right now he had moved back because Dean had surprised him, and Dean would not harm a sibling if he hadn't attacked him. He had felt enough, had lived through enough what angels put other angels through.

He left, thanking his Father that they could no longer be traced.

Adam was left on the field, completely confused. Why hadn't Dean attacked him? He had had his angel blade ready; Adam hadn't. Dean could easily have dispatched him. He should have. After all, he must know why Adam was looking for him; that John had sent him. So why hadn't he done anything?

John had said that they were traitors, that they were fighting God's plan. But why hadn't Dean killed him? He was just another obstacle. From Dean's point of view, it would have been a good thing to get rid of him, especially since he hadn't even had his blade in his hand.

So why hadn't he killed him? Why had he just vanished?

And now he would have to look for them all over again. Adam spread his wings and resumed his search, somewhat less enthusiastically than before.

Dean all but crash-landed in front of the house. Cas stormed out immediately.

"Dean! What happened?"

He was clearly both angry and concerned, and Dean realized when he got up that he was shaking. Cas put a hand on his arm and squeezed.

"Dean?"

"I'm fine" he said, "Really, Cas, I'm fine. No psycho thoughts. I promise."

"You look – "

"I know. I got news. And you better renew the sigils once I'm in the house. They're looking for us."

Cas frowned but said nothing as he accompanied him inside.

 


	26. Chapter 26

 

TV Shows » Supernatural » **Yet I Believe You, Messenger**  
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|  Author: Hekate1308  
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| Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Mystery - Reviews: 41 - Published: 08-31-15 - Updated: 02-22-16 | id:11482194  
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"Adam? You saw Adam?" Sam asked once more. Dean nodded.

"And you didn't try and off him?" Bobby inquired. Dean shook his head.

"He didn't attack me. There's been enough pain" he said bitterly, and Cas squeezed his shoulder again. At least the hunter hadn't left his side since he had arrived.

"Well, he is one of John's favourites. I'm not surprised he chose him. Thank God we can't be tracked. But what were you doing there in the first place? You said you wanted some fresh air. No need to fly hundred of miles!"

"I needed to be alone. I had to..." he trailed off, fearing his friends' disapproval.

"I had to remember" he admitted.

"What did I tell you –"

"It was necessary, Bobby. While they – while they worked on me, I listened as best as I could. And John mentioned Lilith."

"Lilith?" Bobby frowned.

"Adam's first wife?" Zachariah questioned.

Sam shook his head. "Actually the first demon. Lucifer turned her after his Fall. She is something like the High Priestess of demons."

Cas nodded. The last few weeks had left him unable to feel surprised at anything.

"John said "Lilith will fall." But why should she? After all the demons want the Apocalypse too. They have no reason to take Lilith out. Unless..." he trailed off.

"Unless it's part of the plan" Bobby agreed. "But are you sure?"

Dean looked down. "No." He couldn't be sure of anything he had seen or heard; and the memory of his blade gliding in Sam's chest, of his brother collapsing, dead, burned wings leaving ashes on the floor...

"Dean, Dean, you are safe." Cas was holding unto his shoulder again and Dean gave him a weak smile. "I know. But Bobby's right; I should have taken down Adam. We would be much safer if there was last at least one other angel incapable of – "

"You weren't thinking like a soldier at that moment" Cas said simply. It was true. Dean had not been able to hurt another one of his brethren despite, really because, of the pain they had done him; he didn't doubt that he could easily attack if his friends were in danger, but if the other angel just reeled back like Adam had done, he would let him get away again. There was already too much betrayal and pain in Heaven. This was never their mission. God couldn't have wanted that.

And he had been so determined to be a good soldier before, not to disappoint John again. Cas had changed all that.

"Anyway, it's not like he found out where we're hiding, so we're safe anyway" Bobby said. "No use crying over spilt milk. I'm a little surprised it was just Adam, though. One would have thought they would send more soldiers."

Dean shrugged helplessly. "Beats me. He clearly had no idea what to do, either. Probably didn't get the right orders for finding me in that state."

"John would send someone who is only known for his blind obedience" Bobby agreed. "Plus, angels normally don't get..." he stopped.

"Crazy. Yeah."

"You're not crazy" Cas insisted.

"Brainwashed then. Makes much of a difference when I could betray you any minute."

The memory of Lilith had pushed back the thoughts that had intruded on his mind time and time again, at least. Although he was certain that they could come back any minute. God only knew what else they had implanted in his mind, what else they had made him do –

Cas still hadn't let go of his shoulder, and he leaned into the hunter, taking comfort in his body heat.

"Lilith..." Zachariah mumbled. Characteristically, he had immediately went to his books to see what he could find. By now, Dean knew him too well to think he didn't care.

"So she's the first demon... We do have her as a classified demon here, but other than that it's just the myth that she steals children... What else can you tell us about her?"

It was just as well that he reminded them that there were more pressing matters at hand than discussing the brainwashing Dean had received again. It made him feel uncomfortable. Plus, Dean wasn't sure this wasn't actually helping Heaven instead of the other way around, because discussing the thoughts made them more prominent in his mind.

He concentrated on what Cas had said. It was true. He hadn't acted like a soldier. He hadn't acted like Heaven's instrument would have; angels were trained to react to a threat by obliterating it the second they realized there even was one to begin with.

Leaving adam unharmed had not been his training. It had not been the brainwashing. It had been Dean. Only Dean.

"'Cause she was the first, Lilith is Lucifer's most loyal demon – aside from holding all the contracts of those dumb enough to sell their soul." Bobby explained to Zachariah as he shot Cas a worried look. "No offence."

"None taken" he answered. He had known it was a dumb decision. Selling one's soul usually was. But he had saved an innocent girl. And he had met Dean.

He reluctantly let go of the angel's shoulder. Finally. Dean was fine; he shouldn't cuddle him, not when he was already in –

When he liked Dean too much.

"She's certainly working on breaking the seals. She's probably the driving force behind it all. So yeah, Lilith will fall is a strange thing to say. And John doesn't say random stuff. You know how he is."

Sam nodded, and Dean was reminded on the many times he had stood up against John while Dean had been standing in the background. He had always wished to be a good soldier, and yet he had been convinced – as he was now – that Sam was the best angel he had ever met. Suddenly, his rebellion didn't seem surprising at all. He had already been going down that road when they had descended into Hell to save Cas.

And he didn't regret it one bit. Not even after the torture he had gone through. He would much rather spend a minute with Cas being free than an eternity as a soldier of Heaven...

He realized what he was thinking and took a step away from the hunter. This was the thinking that had prompted angels to fall. And... if it had been a possibility... If there had been a chance that Cas felt the same way, he would –

No. It would never come to pass. He had to accept that. If they survived, which was unlikely, Cas would go on with his life, and Dean and Sam and Bobby –

He had no idea what they would do, then. There was no question that, even if they won, they would be locked out of Heaven; they couldn't expect other angels to understand what they had done, and why they had done it. Free will didn't come easy to them.

Although it had perhaps found Dean all too easily once he had seen the bright soul in Hell.

"So if John is saying Lilith will fall, she has to" Cas observed. Sam nodded.

"It's likely."

"And how likely is it that this is the last seal?"

"We can't be sure" Bobby admitted. "But it is a start. And the death of the first demon – "

"Are we sure it's death?" Zachariah interrupted him. "He said "Lilith will fall", but that could be –"

"In a demon's eyes, there could be no bigger sacrifice than death. They already lost everything else – their humanity, their memories. They have nothing left to give. If Lilith has to die to free Lucifer... It would be exactly the kind of seal that would be important enough to open the cage."

Zachariah accepted the explanation. Cas could only agree with him. He remembered Hell, and demons, while they didn't enjoy it, were used to pain and torture. Destruction was the only threat one could use against them.

"And where does that leave us? Let's say Lilith's death is the last seal. What are we supposed to do?"

"Kill her" Bobby said matter-of-factly and when Cas stared at him, he added, "I know rituals. And if Lilith's death is the last seal, her dying prematurely should stop the whole thing."

"So all we need to do is find and kill the first and therefore very powerful demon" Zachariah concluded.

"Pretty much."

"And how difficult will it be to kill her and get away with?"

"Just to give you an example of how difficult demons can be, when we broke Cas out of Hell, we were a whole garrison" Sam said. "And even then, several angels fell. And Dean only found Cas by accident – Lilith is sure to hide well. After all, she's managed to stay so well below the radar that she's slowly passed into myth. And don't forget we're only three angels now, and two humans."

"I do hope you'll forgive me the profanity, but it seems that we're all fucked" Zachariah commented.

Cas couldn't help but think he was right.

 


	27. Chapter 27

"Okay, here's the thing. I don't feel comfortable with anyone of us going to Hell to kill a demon as long as we don't know for sure" Zachariah emphasized once more.

He was right, of course. Dean might as well have only hallucinated what John had said; and even if he hadn't, their deductions might be wrong. And they couldn't risk their lives just for a chance.

"There's one way" Dean said. Sam huffed.

"What?"

"I know exactly what you are about to say, and I don't think it's a good idea."

"Do you have a better one?"

"Dean, there is every reason to think that you were programmed to obey your garrison leader – "

"What is going on?" Cas asked. Of course Sam and Dean knew what the other was thinking. They were brothers after all. It did make conversation charring sometimes however, especially when they were discussing how to defeat both heaven and Hell.

"They are talking about summoning John" Bobby said. "And I gotta say, it already crossed my mind, but we better do it far away 'cause the second we do, the whole garrison is going to descend upon us."

"That's hardly reassuring" Cas answered. Bobby shrugged.

"Dean's right; there is no other way. We could of course try and sneak into Heaven..."

"And that's how much easier than breaking into Hell?" Zachariah inquired sarcastically.

No one bothered to answer him.

"You know we will have to get him to talk" Sam said slowly. "You know what that means..."

"It won't be a problem" Dean replied coldly, and for a moment, he was a strange, old being who had only temporarily come to earth to fight evil, not the cocky, wonderful man Cas had come to know. He almost took a step back, but thought better of it. Dean was a celestial being. He always had been. The man Cas saw, the man he – the man he liked very much was only a small part of who the angel truly was. It wasn't even his body. Even if he had locked himself inside.

Dean was going to torture John to get the information. He had known that Dean was a soldier, but he had never imagined him doing things like that. To torture someone until they gave you what you wanted, to hurt them –

But John had had Dean tortured, he reminded himself. He hadn't cared. So why should Dean? Why should he?

"Alright then. Summoning it is."

"Won't he have protected himself like you?"

Bobby smiled humourlessly. "We might be untraceable and locked in our vessels, but John would never consider it. He doesn't think much of humans, and he's certain no angel would dare anything."

"Hubris" Zachariah mused. "Isn't that why Lucifer fell?"

"He fell for much more, but yeah, it was part of it."

"So Michael's pet soldier is just like – "

"He wasn't always..." Dean tried to interrupt, his old instinct to defend his garrison leader raising its head. But he stopped himself.

"Yeah, well, John is John" Bobby ended the discussion. "And he ain't gonna give up the information just like that."

"He didn't want me and Cas to kill Lilith" Dean said suddenly. "He said I should protect the righteous Man, not concentrate on anything else."

"That's true" Cas suddenly said, remembering their hunt for Lilith like it had been a lifetime ago. Before he really knew Dean. Before he –

"As a matter of fact, John's unwillingness to give us any information apart from a few seals – and it certainly doesn't seem improbable that he didn't tell us about the important ones – was what made Dean first believe Sam."

"Yeah" he agreed, less convinced. He knew now that he had started to doubt much earlier, that his decisions in battles, his initiative had been an outlet for thoughts he hadn't allowed himself to dwell on. Sam had of course played an important part in this; but he believed that, no matter what, he would never have rebelled if it hadn't been for Cas. Cas and no one else. If another Righteous Man would have died first, he wouldn't be here now. He would have obeyed if it hadn't been for the bright soul that had guided him in Hell.

Even if Cas had not been the best man he had ever met, he would have loved him for that.

Because, he realized suddenly, that was what he was feeling. Had been feeling all along. Against all odds, he had managed to fall in love. Like humans did. That was why he had tried to kiss him. Of course Cas couldn't feel the same way. Dean wasn't human, and he certainly wanted a human to share his life with.

He would most likely die anyway, or leave once they had won. He wouldn't see Cas again because why would the hunter be interested in having him around when he wasn't useful anymore? Dean knew that he was not as intelligent as Sam, or as experienced as Bobby. He wasn't even that much fun to be around.

He took a deep breath. Following these thoughts would lead nowhere. They had to find Lilith, and it seemed that in order to do that, they had to find John.

It shocked him how much he was looking forward to making him talk, making him scream the answer in their faces, hurt him like he had allowed the other angels to hurt Dean –

The rage that swept through him was shocking in its intensity. He wanted to hurt John, and he knew that it went against everything God wanted.

He wouldn't allow himself to become like John, like the others. They needed information. They needed to know where Lilith was. Nothing more.

Mine _is Vengeance, says the Lord. Not yours. Remember that._

He looked at Cas and forced himself to relax. He didn't want to become someone his friends were ashamed of knowing.

You already are. You are worthless. You betrayed –

He recognized the thought and shuddered. They had to move fast.

"Alright, then. We should get ready."

When the others truend to look at him, he huffed.

"What's the point in waiting? If both Heaven and Hell are working for the Apocalypse, we're running out of time."

"You're right" Sam agreed, but Dean could tell he had his own suspicions as to why they needed to move. Shame coursed through him. It was his fault they had to hurry.

"Sadly, I've run out of houses" Zachariah announced matter-of-factly, and when they just looked at him, confused, he clarified, "for the summoning. I don't have a place left."

"Zachariah..." Cas began, slowly,but he shook his head.

"Don't even try. This isn't my first rodeo."

"But you're not really..." he trailed off when Zachariah gave him a pitiful look.

"Trust me, I have done more than you know."

Zachariah might not have been a hunter, but he certainly had had enough to do with the supernatural; especially after what happened to his family. Cas stopped arguing. It was only a waste of time that Dean seemed adamant they didn't have.

He hoped that Heaven wasn't regaining control over him, but it was likely. Otherwise why would he look so panicked while he insisted they had to get going?

He wanted to ask, but feared that drawing Dean's attention to the orders he had received even more would make it all the harder for him to ignore them. Either way, he would keep a close eye on him. Maybe after they had won, Dean would be able to let go of the thoughts. Maybe he, Sam and Bobby could be free then, without fearing that they could be taken back to Heaven any minute.

If they survived. And their chances weren't good.

Cas was very aware of that, and he was equally aware that his contract still held. When he died he was going back to Hell, to eventually break and become a demon.

If they survived, Dean would still be an angel, then, and he would come to hate him when he saw what had become of him.

Not that it mattered. What Dean thought of him – it had never mattered, it would never matter. Dean had seemed like he wanted to kiss him, but he had been weak and confused at the time. He couldn't want Cas.

"There's enough abandoned places. Doesn't really matter which we pick, but we have to ward this thing as soon as John is in the trap because otherwise a whole garrison is going to drop down from Heaven and right unto our heads."

They finally decided on an old barn somewhere in Tennessee because Dean had seen it once when he had been flying over the country, watching humans and it was far enough from "everything, really" as he put it. Once they got everything ready – paint, even a few weapons although they would be useless against John, and holy oil (a lot of it, too; all three angels took trips to Jerusalem to make sure they had enough) – they allowed the angels to transport them to the barn.

Cas was getting used to the dizziness that accompanied teleportation; Zachariah looked a little white but shook his head when cas tried to inquire how he felt. The angels were already working on different sigils, Dean's movements betraying a haste that didn't sit right by Cas. It made him worry all the more.

As if they didn't have enough to worry about already.

Dean was being busy because it was what helped best against the thoughts that had somehow taken root in his mind again; he wouldn't have been surprised to learn that he had programmed to have them regularly in order to be worn down. But he wouldn't allow it.

Suddenly, seeing John seemed like a bad idea. He didn't know what it would do to him to be eye to eye with the superior the commands told him he should obey; hopefully John would have no power over him.

If he had...

They would seal off the barn as soon as John was in the circle of holy fire, of course; at least he couldn't grab Cas and fly back to Heaven. But he could still attack them.

He looked at the others; they were busy painting sigils and he approached Cas.

"Cas?"

Look at you, talking to mud monkeys –

"Yes, Dean?"

"I want you to have this" he held out his angel blade. Cas looked at him.

"Are you sure? You won't be able to – "

"Cas, I'm not doing well. I don't want this in my hand when we confront him. I won't deny I was... kind of looking forward to make him tell us, but we might just play in their hands if I do the interrogation. So please, keep that for me."

Cas nodded. Dean smiled and reached for the hand that had not taken the blade.

"Knew I could count on you".

Cas smiled and squeezed his hand.

"I'll keep it safe" he promised, even though he knew that, should Dean decide he needed it, there would be little he could do. While it was worrying that the angel was ready to let go of his weapon because he didn't feel he had enough control over himself, it was good that he had realized and given Cas his blade before anything happened.

And it was probably for the best if he didn't interrogate John, not after what he had been through in Heaven. John was his garrison leader, and it would have been impressed on Dean that he was supposed to follow him. It made Cas sick just to think about it, but it was true.

Bobby and Sam could take care of it. For a moment, he wondered what Bobby was thinking. He and John had been friends, long ago. Cas hadn't had many friends, but his stomach turned at the thought of torturing any of them, no matter if it was for the greater good.

He sighed as he put the blade away.

This wasn't going to be easy.


	28. Chapter 28

“Are you sure we’re done?“

Bobby had grown too accustomed to Zachariah suspicious questions to pay much attention. He just nodded.

“Good, then. What do you need me to do?”

“You’ll be in charge of the seals. Make sure they stay intact. I wouldn’t put it past John to try and break them from within the circle. He still has his powers.”

Zachariah nodded. Whether or not he had much experience handling supernatural creatures, he wasn’t a hunter and hadn’t faced as many as Cas.

“You question him” Dean said quickly, and when Sam and Bobby turned to him in astonishment, he shook his head.

“It’s better for all involved.” He laughed bitterly. “Even for John. Don’t worry, Cas has my blade.”

“Dean...” Sam could understand his brother’s reasoning, but he still didn’t feel comfortable leaving Dean without a weapon. He ignored the implications of Dean giving his blade to Cas instead of one of them. It was obvious what was going on, but it was not the time to force him to talk. Later.

If they survived.

“Bobby, are you ready?” Cas asked. The older angel would do the summoning since he was the one who knew the most spells.

“Of course. I could point out that this is a bad idea, but we already discussed that, so... show time.”

John was less than pleased with what Adam had to tell him. He also had the feeling that he wasn’t telling him everything, which was troubling. He couldn’t have Dean and Sam contaminate other angels, and especially not one as obedient as Adam.

He should have found something by now. He should have at least have a clue where to look for Robert. Adam was a good soldier. He knew how to track someone.

So why hadn’t he? Why was he still searching, and why had he waited so long to check in?

He would have to alert Michael after all, without being able to report success. He should have talked to him first, but how could he have argued with the archangel? And he had only wanted to find his vessel...

He was not looking forward to the conversation, but right at this moment, he felt a pull.

It had been centuries since it happened the last time – a group of monks who had blasphemously tried to prove that angels existed – and he needed a moment to identify the feeling.

He was being summoned.

But who would dare –

Anyone who needed him in heaven would just have called for him. This meant someone else was summoning him. Someone else.

He fought against it. He wouldn’t allow himself to be pulled away –

He wondered if he could just shed his vessel, but he, the angel, was called for, transported somewhere, not the body he had reluctantly taken a few centuries ago when it had been necessary.

And then, pain shot through his Grace, and he screamed, he was spiralled out of Heaven –

Into a circle of holy fire.

He grit his teeth as he looked at those who had dared to summon him.

As he had expected, the traitors were standing in front of him, Dean and Michael’s vessel in close proximity to one another. Too close.

Just how blasphemous had Dean become?

“Let me out” he ordered them. He saw Dean tense, but then he shot Michael’s vessel a short glance and relaxed.

Had their programming done nothing? He would have to have Ava examined; maybe she needed to be altered as well.

But he had seen Dean break, had seen him accept his commands. It should have worked. So why was he still working with them? How had he resisted his orders, how had he run away with them?

Maybe Robert knew the answer. For his former friend was there; and there was no doubt in John’s mind who had helped them escape.

“Robert” he said calmly.

Cas was confused for a moment until he realized that of course Bobby’s real name was Robert. After all Dean gave everyone nicknames. This one had apparently stuck.

“John.”

“What are you doing here? You were doing good work in the library.”

If he sounded condescending, it wasn’t his fault. Robert had turned his back to the battlefield; he could have done so much more; and now he had followed the rebels, the traitors. Why? He had spent millennia surrounded by God’s work. He should have known that this was not what He wanted.

“I am doing good work here” he answered simply.

“With traitors? With rebels? How could you – “

“John, we are not traitors.”

“I am glad to hear that you are not denying you’re rebels.”

Robert looked at him sadly – now that he came to think of it, all of them displayed more emotions than he was used to. Dean, of course, had always been more emotive than the rest of his troupes. It had been one of the reasons he had always kept an eye on him. Feelings were for humans; they were their principal weakness, what made them inferior to angels.

Sam had always been more guarded though, even when he had disobeyed. John had never openly read disgust in his eyes, and righteous anger filled his vessel.

“Let me out now” he ordered again, “and I might give you mercy.”

“You are incapable of it”.

It was Michael’s vessel who had spoken, and John found himself face to face with the Righteous Man for the first time.

His eyes were blazing as he gazed upon John, and suddenly he felt that he was indeed worthy to be an archangel’s vessel. What came out of his mouth however did not sound as if he was ready to say yes.

“You don’t have mercy. You tortured Dean – “

“We were trying to fix him.”

“You tortured him, you hurt him, and all just because he didn’t want to follow your orders – “

“As all angels should. We are made to follow orders, to obey our superiors. We were not created to question them.”

“So you hurt those who do?”

“We fix those who do.”

“That is not – “

“Cas” Robert interrupted him. Cas? They had a nickname for the Righteous Man? Angels didn’t use nicknames, although Ava had told him that Dean thought of his favourite (the thought alone made John angrier) brother as “Sammy”.

“You are right. I’m sorry.”

Robert shook his head and looked at Dean again. The worry in his expression was unmistakeable, and John began to hope. The commands must still be buried in Dean’s mind. If he could get him to followe his orders...

But Bobby’s next question surprised him.

“John. Is Lilith the last seal? Does she have to die after 65 are broken to set Lucifer free?”

He hadn’t known the rebels knew so much. When Dean had come to him, he had told him of several seals, but had been careful not to mention anything about the demon. It had been an ingenious idea of their Father’s to create hundreds of seals to ensure his plan worked out.

So how had they –

He remembered.

_Lilith will fall._

But Dean didn’t remember. Dean couldn’t remember. He had told Ava to make sure he didn’t –

“No” he barked. “If it were true, don’t you think we would have done anything to take her out millennia ago?”

“We know you want to start the Apocalypse” Sam told him. “You lied to us. You lied to – “

“So that’s what he told you? I thought so” John addressed Dean. “And I know you’ve always been close Dean, but you must know what this means. Rebellion. You were always trying to be a good soldier. Does this seem like something a good soldier would do?”

Dean shuffled his feet, clearly uncomfortable, but to John’s displeasure, he moved once more closer to the hunter.

And then Michael’s vessel took his hand.

If he had been human, he would have felt nauseous. An angel of the Lord –

“And what is this blasphemy? What are you doing? He is...” he trailed off, realizing that he shouldn’t –

“Michael’s vessel, we know” Robert interrupted him. He glared at Dean.

“How much have you told them?”

“Enough” Dean forced out. He squeezed Cas’ hand to remind himself not to give in. Since John had appeared, the voices in his head had become louder.

_He is your superior._

_It is your duty to obey him._

_Follow his orders. Take the Righteous Man to Heaven._

_Michael needs his vessel, so that God’s work can be fulfilled._

He turned to look at Cas. Blue eyes stared into his, and everything he could read in them fettered him to reality. He took a deep breath.

“Answer the question, John.”

“As if I would tell you anything – “

“Wait” Cas said when he saw Bobby draw out his blade reluctantly. Dean wasn’t doing too well. They needed to get this over with. And after everything that had happened, it was clear that John was as loyal as he was stubborn. It could take a very long time to crack him, if they ever managed to.

“Is Lilith’s death the last seal?” he asked. John snorted.

“Do you think I would tell you? And what does it matter? You know your purpose – why fight against it? Give yourself to Michael. Help us break the seal. Help us fight Lucifer.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“It does. God’s word – “

“I don’t care for God’s word. I don’t care for the Apocalypse, this big plan you have. I care for earth and the people on it.” He was still holding Dean’s hand.

“Please, these mud monkeys? You will be part of something great –“

“Answer the question.”

“I already did.”

“But was that the truth?”

“Of course it was! Why shouldn’t it be? I am leader of my garrison, I am one of Michael’s most trusted angels, why should I lie?”

Castiel Novak studied him, and again there was a light in his eyes that made it all too easy to believe that he was Michael’s vessel. He let go of Dean’s hand – not after he had squeezed it again – and looked John right in the eyes as he declared, “He’s lying. Lilith’s death is the final seal. And once she’s dead, it can’t be broken.”

Dean had still been fighting the commands, but upon hearing Cas saying that, saying that they had reason top hope (even though it was still a very small hope) quenched them as joy flooded his vessel.

“Are you sure?” he asked, more for the others than for himself. He knew Cas. He knew he wouldn’t have said that if he wasn’t sure.

“Yes. I don’t know much about angels, but I do know something about lies. I have to.”

Cas had lied so often in the course of his work, he knew when a lie was staring right into his face. John was used to lie to the angels working under him, those who didn’t question his orders and opinions. He wasn’t used to lying to an equal. And Cas had seen it, felt that it was a lie.

They had a chance. Not the best of chances, but they had a chance.

Bobby nodded. He turned to John.

“I am sorry” he began, holding up his blade. John’s eyes narrowed.

“You’ll have to come close. I was always faster than you.”

“It’s two against one” Sam said.

“Three” Dean said simply. “Cas, give me my blade. I’m completely in control, I swear.”

And the smirk he gave him that reminded him so much of the angel he had first met in that diner reassured Cas. He handed him the blade.

John tensed, ready for a fight.

Soaring through the skies, still confused and unsure, Adam had heard the call of John in distress. He didn’t think. He reacted.

When he found himself in front of the shielded barn, he searched for something, a small gap –

Thankfully the barn was dilapidated. And once he could break a sigil...

A wall exploded.


	29. Chapter 29

Cas was pushed into a wall before he realized what had happened; of course it was Dean trying to cover him, and he jumped up, looking for what- or whoever had broken in. Once glance told him that John was still confined in the ring of Holy fire, at least.

A young man was standing in the hole in the wall – he had a blade in his hand. Angel, then.

"Adam" Dean said.

He was standing in front of Cas, hoping the hunter wouldn't do something stupid.

He should have taken him out while he had the chance. This was his fault.

Adam looked strangely taken aback, however.

"Dean..."

He saw John in the circle and froze.

"Adam, get me out" he ordered immediately. "Dean, help your brother."

Dean couldn't help it; he laughed. With all the stress he was under, with the voices roaring up to scream at him again, this was the worst thing John could have said.

He only had one brother. If he'd learned anything, that was it.

"Sorry, John. No can do."

Adam should have acted, but he could only stare. Even though he had known Dean had rebelled, the open defiance shocked him. This was their superior. They should –

"Adam! Get me out!"

He had to follow his orders. Dean moved forward to block him, signalling Sam and Bobby to let him do it. He knew they were worried, but he also knew that Adam wouldn't harm him. He could feel it. Somehow, something had shifted between them in the moment he'd decided not to attack him in Alaska, although they had barely been friends before.

"Dean – step back."

"What are you doing? The traitor!" John screamed, realizing that he was losing control of another angel. Sam smirked. He had trusted Dean as he always did, and it had paid off.

"I – " Adam began, looking at Dean, but he wasn't attacking him. He was just standing there; his angel blade was in his hand, true, but it was pointed towards the floor.

"Adam, you are a soldier. As your garrison leader – "

"It doesn't really matter because there's a ring of holy fire around the barn" Zachariah informed them cheerfully.

They had almost forgotten he was there, but he had reacted anyway. Cas gave him a thankful smile as Sam inquired, "Won't anyone see?"

"We're in the middle of nowhere. I don't think anyone has been here in years."

Sam nodded.

"Quick thinking" Bobby commented.

"It comes with the job. Sorry for locking you guys in".

"No problem. We got you to quench the flames."

"Stop talking" John hissed.

"Good idea. How about you talk instead? Lilith's an important part of this. You have to know where she is, that she's safe."

"Even if that were true, you couldn't expect me to tell you."

"We have our ways."

"Are you just going to stand there?" John shouted at Adam. "You see what they are going to do – "

But Adam was still looking at Dean. And Dean understood only too well. What it meant to doubt for the first time. What it meant to suddenly feel that one's superiors didn't have the answers to everything.

"Sir" said Adam, "he's not attacking me."

"What?"

"Dean, he's not – none of them – "

"Who cares? I order you to attack!"

The emphasis seemed to have an effect on Adam; he took a step toward them but stopped, looking confused.

"What is going on?" he asked.

"What does it matter?"

"Why is John in the circle?" he asked Dean.

"We need information of him. You see, we need to kill Lilith – "

Adam frowned. "Killing demons is one of our priorities. Why did you have to put John – "

"Because he doesn't want us to. Lilith is important, she needs to die at a certain time to ensure the Apocalypse is going to happen, and Heaven is working towards it as well, so – "

"Heaven is not trying to free Lucifer!" Adam cried out, completely shocked.

"Look" Sam said, stepping forward, "we can't ease you into this. John has been – "

"Adam, ATTACK!"

The command was too forceful to be ignored, and Adam jumped forward, aiming at Sam. It was Dean who intervened however, their blades meeting only a short distance from Sam's breast; the angel jumped back as Adam looked at Dean and his resolve flattered.

"Why did you spare me?" he hissed, still pushing his blade against Dean's. "You're older than me, and you surprised me. You could have killed me."

"There was no reason to. You weren't trying to harm me."

Adam swallowed, for the first time using a human gesture to keep himself grounded. His theory had been correct. Dean hadn't harmed him because he hadn't harmed Dean, even though he could have caused them problems. He had spared him _just like that._

But still, the new doubts in his mind were too weak to fight against years of obedience, and he found himself fighting Dean, but only half-heartedly; the older angel easily blocked his attacks, and then suddenly Adam was propelled into the circle of holy fire, next to John.

"You disgust me" he hissed. "You're no better than them".

Adam flinched, then he remembered.

"Dean said you were working towards Lucifer's rise – "

"You must not believe that."

Adam was silent.

"So" Dean said, grinning proudly, "where were we? Oh right, where's Lilith, or rather more specifically, where in Hell is Lilith? She's probably in deep."

"Dean?" Cas asked. HE turned to the hunter. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm..." he stopped. "You know what? I'm actually great."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I – I thought that stress would make it worse, but I had to protect all of you, and I – it doesn't bother me anymore because I _know_ we can have doubts. Even the most loyal soldiers. My programming isn't strong enough for that."

Dean smiled at him happily and Dean found himself grinning back.

"I'm really happy for you, but we should probably consider that if one angel found us, others may too and that the holy fire outside is a red flag" Zachariah pointed out. They looked away blushing.

"You're right. John, we already know the truth. Tell us where Lilith is" Bobby tried once again, knowing it was hopeless. They would have to make John give up the information. And Zachariah was right. The ring of holy fire around the barn was a giveaway. Not that he blamed him. He'd had no other choice.

"I'm not going to tell you. And thanks to Dean's mercy" John spat the word at them "we're two now. And Adam will obey me. He's a good soldier."

"Don't be so sure" Dean said simply, looking at Bobby, who nodded.

But sadly, there would be no time to question John further. The roof started to shake.

"Wishful thinking" Dean said, raising his blade, "but maybe it's just the wind."

Before anyone of them could answer, John breathed, relieved, yet sounding strangely apprehensive at the same time "Michael."

"What?" Cas exclaimed as a thunderstorm broke out, rain quenching the circle of holy fire around the barn and quickly dripping through holes in the roof, starting to put out the one John and Adam were trapped in.

Before Case could react, John had jumped through one of the holes that had opened up and went straight for him; he would undoubtedly have grabbed him and delivered him to Michael if Adam hadn't tackled him and thrown him against the wall.

Adam looked at Cas, then at Dean.

"I don't know" he said, answering their unspoken question. "it just feels right."

Dean nodded. "Come with us" he said quickly, "Michael will be here any second."

Adam shook his head. "Someone has to keep John back. And I can easily be found. You can't."

He was right. They didn't have time to brand the sigils into his ribs and make sure he couldn't be called back to Heaven; but they could just make him untraceable for now and –

John screamed and Adam attacked him.

"Dean" Cas pulled at his arm. "We have no choice."

"I know" he replied, and they were gone thanks to Bobby, who had been ready to leave from the moment he knew who was coming.

Adam didn't know how – John was ferocious in his attack the second he realized they were gone – but it was still the Archangel who got to him first. Somehow, he held out until he felt a new presence behind him. Even though he had never been deemed worthy enough to meet Michael, he still knew who it was; and before he could turn around, he was burning.

Even as his Grace cried out dying, his thoughst became clear for the first time since he had found Dean.

The rebels, as John called them – they were right.

Why else would an Archangel inflict this pain upon a brother, even as unimportant a brother as Adam?

_Father_ , he prayed in his last moments, _let them succeed. Let them live._

And then it was over.


	30. Chapter 30

They made it to the house before Dean separated himself and went to the room he had woken up in – he supposed his room, now.

He paced up and down, but it brought him no release.

Adam was dead. Michael was sure to have killed him the moment he arrived. If John hadn’t murdered him first.

Adam was dead because he had happened to meet Dean. If he hadn’t, he would have been a soldier of many. There would have been no reason to kill him.

Unable to master his frustration, Dean picked up the lamp from the bedside table and threw it against the wall.

Cas flinched when he heard something shatter in Dean’s room. Dean had stormed up the stairs as soon as they had entered the house, and he wasn’t surprised.

“I’ll handle it” he said quickly; it was just as well to give the others some time to cope. He hadn’t known Adam, but still felt guilty. He couldn’t imagine what the angels must be going through.

Zachariah met Cas’ eyes and gave him a weak smile to indicate he was okay.

Cas heard Dean pacing up and down his room before he knocked on the door.

He waited until he heard the angel call out to enter. By then, Dean was sitting on the bed, his head buried in his hands.

“Dean – “ he began softly.

Dean raised his head.

“Hey, Cas”.

“I – I’m sorry for your loss.”

“We were never that close – John always liked him for some reason. He was his golden boy, could do no wrong. I was the one who always got into trouble. Me and Adam never really got along because of that.” He paused. “And yet he...” he trailed off and shook his head.

“How are Sam and Bobby taking it?”

“They are coping. Mostly they’re relieved, I think”.

Dean gave a weak smile. “The nutcase didn’t lose it.”

“We got away” Cas corrected him. “But I’m certainly relieved to see you’re doing so well.”

“Well is not exactly – there’s all this – I’m angry, and sad, and slightly confused too, and – how do you cope with all of this at the same time?”

“It’s not easy” Cas admitted. “Having feelings... I assume it takes some getting used to.”

“Yeah. And in Heaven, they said I already showed way too much emotion”. Dean shook his head. “Morons.”

“Not all feelings are bad” Cas answered. “It’s actually healthy to – “

Dean snorted. “Sorry, cas, but you forgot I touched your soul”.

“I admit that I have never exactly taken the healthy approach to dealing with my feelings.”

“You could call it that.” Dean looked away and Cas couldn’t read his expression.

“It’s only temporary” he reminded them both (God knew he needed the reminder as well). “It might only be the sigil...”

Dean laughed, sharply and bitterly. “Trust me, I was gone long before we ever locked ourselves into our vessels. I was always a screw up.”

“You’re not a screw up.”

“Ask Adam. He’d disagree”.

“It wasn’t your fault. It was his decision.”

“Do you think that’ll make me feel better?”

Cas shook his head. “NO. But it is what people say in this situation, I think.”

Dean smiled. “We’re talking like aliens.”

“Probably” Cas agreed. He sat down next to Dean and took his hand. He shouldn’t have, he knew that; the angels were still growing accustomed to human emotions, and Dean had already tried once to –

He smiled and squezzed his hand, chasing the thought away.

“We’ll need a new play” he said.

“I’m sure Bobby and Sam are already working on it. You know, the useful angels.”

Cas frowned. “You are not useless.”

“Yeah, right. I saw the looks you all shot me in that barn, and I sure as Hell didn’t save Adam...”

“Dean” he said, cupping his face with his hands and looking into his eyes. He knew he was looking at a creature that was as old as the world he lived in, but at the moment, he looked human. Just human.

“There was nothing you could have done. And you made it. When the worst came to pass – you didn’t obey John. You stood by us.”

“By you” Dean confirmed, his hands settling on Cas’ hips.

The hunter knew this was wrong, knew he had already rejected Dean’s advances. And yet so much had happened in the meantime...

Leaning forward was the most natural thing in the world.

 _Oh_ , Dean thought, _so that was why humans liked kissing so much_.

He drew Cas closer and gently touched his lips with his tongue. Cas readily granted him access and the kiss grew more and more heated.

Somewhere in CAs’ mind, he was aware that he shouldn’t have laid back and pulled Dean on top of him never breaking the kiss, but this felt too good to care.

Dean had never experienced such sensations. He knew that humans often participated in sexual intercourse, naturally, and had often enough witnessed them flirting at bars when he had wanted a drink; but he had never imagined what it would feel like. Fingers dancing over the skin he had worn so long that he considered it his own, lips against his, breathing his name reverently, Cas’ body pressed against his own –

A moan escaped him, and he felt Cas shuffle to make them more comfortable as they continued to kiss.

The rational part of Cas’ mind finally won out and he reluctantly broke the kiss.

“Dean – “

The angel was kissing down his neck. He was a fast learner, and Cas wanted this to continue, wanted to pull off his clothes, cherish him, show him a good thing about being human –

But they couldn’t return from that to what they had been. He liked to think that they had become friends, and he wouldn’t throw that away for a fling that couldn’t last.

Plus, Dean deserved more than him. So much more.

The angel bit down gently and Cas arched against him. Somehow, he managed to wonder how Dean even knew how to do that, since he hadn’t been created to love, and the jealousy that followed that question made him draw him in a possessive kiss instead of moving away.

But when he felt Dean tugging at his shirt he finally realized what he was doing and gently pushed against his chest.

Dean backed away immediately and sat up, his face flushed, his eyes confused and hopeful and so very green that cas could have sworn his Grace was shining through, and even though he knew it was best for both of them to end this now he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He held out his hand; Dean took it as if it was something precious, something he didn’t want to let go. Cas swallowed.

“Let’s go slow” he said. “We can’t – we’re not ready for that yet.”

Dean nodded eagerly. “Of course. I’m aware of the mechanics, but you know – “ he blushed.

So he was a virgin. Cas looked away, feeling guilty. Dean apparently interpreted this as bashfulness, for he gently turned his head to kiss him.

Cas knew very well that he had lied to him, was still lying to him. Their relationship would neither progress nor last. They were different species, Dean was immortal –

And Cas should not be allowed near any being as pure and good. He was well aware that at the end of his time, he’d return to Hell and become the demon Alastair had been working on.

Maybe it would eventually be Dean who slew him. His life had provided enough strange turns for it to happen.

And maybe, just maybe, when he did, he would remember the hunter from years ago and be disgusted with himself.

But right now, Dean believed he was in – Dean believed he had feelings for him when really, it might just be the influence of the sigil locking him in his vessel after all; and he was smiling and happy, right there with Cas.

“We should go downstairs, see if they need help” Dean said, his whole being humming with happiness. Was this what humans meant when they said they had butterflies in their stomachs? It certainly felt like it.

And this time, Cas had taken the first step. There could be no doubt about it. It didn’t matter that he had rejected him the first time. Maybe it had just been a misunderstanding; God knew humans were complicated beings.

But now... Cas was ready to – well, he supposed have a relationship with him. See where it went.

Dean couldn’t help grinning as they walked down the stairs.

He was still worried about Adam, but any control Heaven had over him had been broken through the confrontation with John and his – talk with Cas. He was himself again. Awesome.

He schooled his features into a more appropriate expression before they entered the living room, though. A brother had died in battle. He had to honour his memory, especially since he died so they could get away.

Otherwise John would undoubtedly have tried to get to Cas, and he might have succeeded, and then –

Dean shoved the thought away – again, just that one thought, there were no commands, voices in his head now, he must have freed himself from Heaven, as incredible as it sounded – and looked at Cas, who was talking to Zachariah in a low voice, undoubtedly asking him how Sam and Bobby were doing.

He realized he hadn’t really thought about them since Cas had kissed him and quickly went over to the two looking over an old manuscript.

“Hey.”

“Dean” Sam said, his eyes lighting up as he took his brother in. He hadn’t looked so... for lack of a better word relaxed since Heaven had taken him prisoner. Like he was fully back in control of himself. Whatever Cas had said to him was obviously working.

“How are you?”

“Feeling good” he said, grimacing as he thought of Adam. “Better than I did, at least.”

Sam nodded.

“We tried contacting him” he admitted. “We thought if he had got away he might need help.”

“Nothing?”

Bobby nodded grimly.

“It was to be expected. Still...”

Dean nodded. It was such a basic human emotion. Hope. They were all growing more like the hunters with each second that passed.

Somehow, seeing the state of Heaven, he wasn’t surprised.

Sam cleared his throat. “We found something. Zachariah keeps a very good library.”

“Oh?”

It was good news, hell, it was great news. So why were they looking so serious?

Sam handed him the manuscript.

Enochian. Viktor’s handwriting, if Dean was right. He had died millennia ago on the battlefield.

Dean quickly took in what it said.

It described the safest place for a demon to hide; it seemed to be a safe hours of sorts, ironically like the one they were sitting in, and it was at the deepest level of –

“No” Dean said firmly. He knew that no matter what they wouldn’t be able to make Cas stay behind, which meant he would follow them right back into –

Dean didn’t want to return to that place. He could only imagine what Cas would go through seeing it again.

“We have to kill Lilith. You heard John, and you know – “

“She’s a demon, we should be able to summon her – “

“With all the protection spells she’s certainly using? She knows she’s part of the puzzle, she knows she can’t just put herself out there again while they are breaking the sigils. It’s too risky.”

“But it’s her death, so maybe – “

“Lucifer is their God, you don’t think that – “

Cas looked at Zachariah, but the older man only shrugged, clearly annoyed that he hadn’t been allowed to see the text yet.

“Let’s face it, you idjits” Bobby eventually ended their bickering tiredly before Cas could interrupt them and demand an explanation, “We’ll have to go to Hell.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finished this story. This means that I'll switch from weekly to daily updates. Enjoy!

_Castiel didn't know how long it had been. For all he knew, it might have been hundreds of years since he went to Hell._

_Time had lost its meaning. Time was nothing but endless pain and the brief respite Alastair let him have only so he would feel even worse when the torture recommenced._

" _It's easy" the demon said, "You can stop anytime. You just have to say one word. Tell me yes, and you can get off this rack. I promise I'll teach you anything I know – and I am very resourceful."_

_Castiel knew, Castiel knew after hours, days, years of this just how resourceful Alastair was. He knew he would be a well-taught demon eventually, and the thought was what had him cling to his humanity even as Alastair sliced into him again, always careful to do so where it would hurt the most, and Castiel could never pass out, could not even seek solace in unconsciousness, and he felt the yes at the tip of his tongue, and he bit down hard enough to taste blood._

" _So it won't be today? I thought it would be today."_

_The knife was gone, replaced by a hand that was petting his chest, and it felt even worse to be touched gently than tortured by him; Castiel barely managed not to shudder and show his revulsion, because it would only have made it worse._

" _Let's face it. This is not bravery. This is not your humanity fighting to survive. You're stubborn. That is are nothing but a scared little boy, hoping that someone will come and save you, but no one will. Your brother left you. Your father left you. No one cares you are here being tortured."_

_It was true. Castiel desperately tried to prevent the words from getting to him. Right as he was – the moment hope died, the moment he completely agreed with Alastair, he would be lost._

" _Wouldn't it feel good to inflict all this pain on someone else? You know it would. And it's inevitable, really; why prolong your suffering? Not that I don't enjoy it, but I do like a good student... and you might just become a passable demon over time."_

_Against Alastair'S wishes, this made Castiel more determined, and he knew Alastair knew because the next moment the knife cut to the bone, and he screamed –_

Cas shook his head. He wasn't in Hell. He wasn't in Hell. He was in a safe house with his friends and the angel he –

He was safe, and he needed to stay strong.

"Hell?" his voice sounded weaker than he would have liked.

"Yes. Lilith must have barricaded herself there. No safer place for her to be while the minions do all the work." Bobby said.

Everything in Cas was screaming against going back to that place, but they needed every hand they had. As Sam had reminded them, the last time a whole garrison had attacked Hell.

And not all had made it out alive. Dean hadn't told him the particulars, but both he and Sam must have watched their siblings fall.

"How do we get there?" he asked. Dean waved the in the air. "It's Enochian, and quite frankly, I don't want to know how you got it."

"The circumstances were... interesting" Zachariah replied curtly.

"So there's this... place. That has a door to Hell."

"What? Where?"

"Well, it's not exactly on earth."

"So we need to get off earth to go somewhere that's off earth" Zachariah deadpanned.

"Glad to see you're keeping up" Bobby answered in the same tone.

Dean threw them dirty glances. "I'm explaining a plan here."

"Actually it's more like a suicide mission."

"Bobby, what other option do we have?"

"We could choose life" After a pause, he added, "I doubt it would last long though with Heaven after us and the Apocalypse starting."

"That's what I meant. So anyway – the door is in Purgatory."

"Purgatory? As in Dante?"

"Not exactly" Sam answered. "It's where the souls of monster are sent to prey on each other for eternity."

Cas had never wondered what became of monsters after he had taken care of them, but it was only logical that their souls had to go somewhere.

"So the way to Hell is through a place where every monster imaginable is running around" Zachariah said. "Should have seen it coming."

"Can you take me there?" Cas asked.

"You?"

"Zachariah, that's no place for you. You know it. Besides, if we don't make it... someone else has to know."

It was obvious that Zachariah didn't like what he was hearing, but he had to agree. It was true. They had to leave at least one witness behind in case things went wrong. So that the battle could go on and someone else had a shot at stopping the Apocalypse.

"It isn't easy, but here's the spell too open a door. Problem is, we need monster and virgin blood –"

"Hospital" Cas said immediately. "Why doesn't one of you go to a hospital, find a virgin who's donating blood and take it? Its better than..." he trailed off. Bobby nodded.

"I suppose it is. And one other things: It needs to be done during an eclipse."

"There's supposed to be one in two days" Zachariah said immediately. They looked at him and he shrugged.

"My life isn't all monsters and research. I like astronomy."

"At least that's something. Off to find the ingredients then." Before anyone else could say something, he added, "Don't worry, I got this. You should all rest; God knows we have enough before us."

He blinked, then sighed. "I keep forgetting. Cas?"

Once Cas had broken enough sigils, Bobby went through the door, reminding him tp put the protection up again.

"Bobby is right" Sam said. "We've been through enough for one day. We should all try and relax."

Cas doubted that angels usually did, but this was hardly a normal situation. He got reminded of that when Dean smiled and stepped closer to him. For a second, he feared that Dean would take his hand, but he didn't; and Cas felt relieved that he wouldn't have to explain the relationship they didn't have (but Dean seemed convinced existed) to the others.

"And the way through Purgatory – " he began, Dean coming to stand close beside him.

"It's explained here, thank God" Sam said. "We should be able to navigate it well enough. That said..." he trailed off.

Cas realized what he was about to say and shook his head. "No. Absolutely not."

"You already told Zack he had to stay behind" Dean said eagerly and if the older man was surprised by the nickname, he didn't show it, "and it's really no place for humans – "

"But for angels?" Cas interrupted him, angry that Dean and Sam seemed to be perfectly content with leaving him behind. He knew it was only for his safety, but if not for him, they wouldn't be in all this trouble in the first place.

But he also knew that if they had made up their mind, it wouldn't be much use to protest. They were stronger than him, and he wouldn't put it past either of them to knock him out until they were gone.

"I'm the one who started this, I'm coming with – "

"But you didn't start it, I got you out, remember?" Dean said, taking his hand. "You didn't break, you – "

"I meant all of this." He waved his free hand around, indicating the house. "You would be safe in Heaven if it weren't for me."

"Thanks, don't want to be" Zachariah remarked and Cas would have rolled his eyes at him if he hadn't been busy looking at Dean.

"Cas " he replied, "that may be, but what would I be? Not who I want to be, that's for certain."

"That doesn't change a thing. I'm still coming with you."

"Cas..." Dean was pleading now, but he shook his head. "No. I know you won't let anything happen to me."

Dean finally nodded but didn't let go of his hand, and Cas could feel the others' eyes on them.

"So" he said, looking at Sam, "I'm coming with you."

"It seems so" Sam sighed, apparently resigned, and at the moment, that was all he could ask for.

"Anyway, we really should get some rest."

Dean, when he realized that he meant it, looked disappointed, and the temptation to draw him close and kiss him was strong enough to send Cas out of the room lest he do anything about it.

He was sitting on the bed in his room when someone knocked on his door; for a moment he considered pretending to be asleep but a second knock rang out and he knew that Dean certainly wouldn't go away. There was no one else it could be.

To his surprise, it was Zachariah who opened the door.

"Your angel just went to his room. He looked disappointed" he informed him.

"He's not my angel."

"Right. So you weren't holding hands downstairs fifteen minutes ago?"

Castiel looked away.

"It's none of my business. I get it. But, Cas..." Zachariah hesitated, then continued, "I won't ask what you two got up to when you were alone. And I won't tell you what to do. I mean, there's a good chance we'll all be dead soon. But... If I could have just one more day with Irene and our girls..." his voice broke. He cleared his throat. "All I am saying is you should take a chance. At least you won't regret not taking it."

He left and Cas was left to ponder his advice.

He had feelings for Dean. Strong feelings. And Dean seemed to reciprocate – as far as an angel truly could, but who was Cas to question the validity of his friend's feelings? True, it was partly this doubt that had made him slow things down – although he hadn't told Dean that. He had led him to believe that they were... together, he supposed.

And why was he leading him on? He shouldn't. It was wrong. The simple truth was that he hadn't been able to deny himself the right to touch and kiss the angel.

Why had he willingly entered into a mock relationship when he could have a real one, no matter how short? He thought of the pain in Zach's eyes when he talked about his family. But there was more than pain. There was the remembrance of happiness too, of love.

Dean wanted him. It had been so long since he had been wanted, so long since he had wanted in return. Zachariah was right; they could very well be dead in a few short days.

So what did it matter if he gave into his feelings? Maybe they could actually be happy before their practically inevitable demise.

Although he already knew he would do his outmost to stop anyone dying for him. He knew how and where it would end for him, but that didn't mean his friends had to go down with him. If he could, he would gladly give up his life for the angels who rescued him. He would gladly die for Dean to be able to return to Heaven and spend eternity free as he wished. Perhaps, if they made it, he and the others could turn Heaven around.

But before he had to die, he wanted to live as he wished. For once.

He made his way to Dean's room and knocked.

Dean was sitting on his bed in the same position Cas had been in before, and he gave him a weak smile.

"Hey, Cas. Thought you were resting."

He shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. I thought we could... rest together."

That sounded... rather suggestive, but thankfully Dean didn't pick up on the obvious double meaning like a human would have.

He smiled brightly and nodded, and soon, Cas was lying in his angel's arms.

He had never fallen asleep so easily.


	32. Chapter 32

Dean supposed what he was doing could easily have been considered creepy, at least for most humans. But Cas wasn't most humans, and Cas had wanted him to watch over him as he slept.

He reached out and brushed a lock of hair of his forehead. That was what humans did, wasn't it? He had no idea how to do this relationship stuff. Then again, Cas didn't have much experience either – otherwise he would have seen it when he had touched his soul and perhaps learned, well, anything that could have been helpful now.

For a while after their make out session, he had thought that Cas wanted to go back, that he regretted it. He certainly had seemed... hesitant when he'd taken his hands. But that was what he was supposed to do, right? Console his... boyfriend?

This feelings thing was exhausting.

A presence touched his Grace. Sam. Of course. The little polite nerd didn't want to barge in and preferred to make contact in the old fashioned way.

They could have held a conversation like that, but Dean liked the human way better – he'd always liked it better when he could look Sam in the eyes (how long had it been since he had begun to identify his brother with his vessel's looks? He couldn't say) when they spoke.

He gently disentangled himself from Cas, who thankfully stayed asleep without Dean having to resort to his Grace, and went to the room Sam had claimed as his own. #

"Hey Sammy, next time you can just knock."

"I assumed you two would be... resting". There was a slight question mark at the end of that sentence, and Dean had an idea what Sam wanted to talk about.

"Cas is sleeping."

"Good. He'll need his strength." Sam paused, then added, "You have to know that I'm not judging you. I just... want to know what's going on."

"We're together, I guess. I mean, we kissed". Dean grinned. "You should try it sometime. It's awesome."

"I suspected..." Sam trailed off. "No, I know you two shared a more profound bond than should exist between an angel and human."

Dean shrugged. "I couldn't help it. I – I fell for him, Sammy. No – wait – fell in love with him, that is. God, this stupid human language."

It only occurred to him then that he and Sam hadn't spoken Enochian in a long time.

"At least I think – feelings are weird, man."

Sam chuckled unexpectedly. "That's true. Do you know that my rebellion actually began years ago?"

It was a bit of a non sequitur, and Dean waited for him to continue.

"I – it was during battle when I realized. You were in danger."

"And?" Dean asked, confused.

"And I realized I would suffer more if you were killed than if the whole heavenly host was wiped out. It's not what you feel for Cas – it's more like the love human siblings share. I think."

And just like that, Dean understood. So that was what had kept them together for millennia, what the other angels had wondered and laughed at, and perhaps watched with suspicion.

"You're my favourite brother too" he admitted, and if it felt strange and wrong, it also felt right; as Sam pulled him into a hug, he smiled.

"So – how's my brother-in-law doing?"

That earned Sam a hit on the shoulder, but Dean was grinning while he did it.

"I told you, he's sleeping. I just wish – " his shoulder slumped. "I wish he wouldn't come with us."

Sam snorted. "Good luck keeping him away from you now. You danced around each other long enough."

"Was it really that obvious?"

"I haven't seen you look that happy since you discovered cheeseburgers."

Dean sighed. "What can I say? You should have seen his soul in Hell, when – "

"Whoa." Sam raised his hands. "I believe I'm supposed to tell you "too much information" at this point."

"If you think so..."

"Oh yes, I've observed many human siblings, enough to perfectly act like a younger brother."

Dean frowned. "But we were created around the same time, and your true face is actually – "

"Little brothers get to annoy the older ones. If you can fall in love with a human, I can be the little brother" Sam said stubbornly.

"Fine, you drama queen." Dean laughed suddenly. "Look at us. Some angels we are."

Sam shrugged. "It's better than the alternative, don't you think?"

Dean imagined not having saved Cas, imagined staying an obedient soldier while Sam was alone and desperate and was eventually taken to Ava, who stabbed around in his Grace until he was barely the angel Dean remembered – and worked alongside him to bring the Apocalypse.

"Yes" he said, "it's much better."

The monster blood was easy enough to get, as Bobby had expected. A nest of vamps lived in a city not far away from the safe house, and they had been snacking on humans. If Cas hadn't been busy with the Apocalypse, he would have ganked them already, he was sure.

As to virgin blood...

He could easily have taken it in the old-fashioned way of course, the way John and Michael wouldn't have thought twice about, but it wasn't right. So he flew to the nearest hospitals where people were donating blood and snacked a bag of a young guy who was obviously scared of needles but was donating anyway. Bobby used a touch of Grace to ensure he didn't faint and left.

The eclipse was in two days; as far as he was concerned, that clinched that their Father really didn't want the Apocalypse to go down, and he and the boys had to prevent it.

If they survived.

He was gonna make damn sure that they got out alive; he didn't really care about himself; but Bobby wanted Sam and Dean to have a chance, to make the other angels see that one could choose one's own faith, and of course he wanted Dean and Cas to have some more time together.

It had been freaking obvious from the moment he had seen the two together. And Dean had been unconscious at the time. But the hunter had been more than concerned; he'd been in a panic, completely focused on Dean.

And Dean really did stare quite a lot at him. Bobby wondered if humans, normal humans, would have thought it creepy. Probably. But Cas seemed happy with the attention he was receiving.

Which had made it so damn frustrating when they continued to dance around each other.

And now they had gotten somewhere, and they were going to Hell.

If their Father was still looking after them after all, Bobby thought he must have a weird sense of humour.

He arrived back at the house soon afterwards. It was Zachariah who let him in, explaining that he hadn't been able to sleep and decided to do some more research. He looked rather pleased with himself for some reason, Bobby, noted.

"You getting somewhere?"

"Already did" the man answered, and he had no idea what he meant until they heard a door opening upstairs and Bobby caught Zachariah's smile. This must be about Dean and Cas. Well, if he had somehow helped these two to get together, good for him.

"So this is the blood?" Zachariah asked, eying the jar Bobby was holding.

"Yeah; already mixed the monster and virgin blood. Wasn't hard to find, just had to wait a little for a virgin to come along."

He nodded.

"So during the eclipse we have to draw this on the wall..." he said, looking over the manuscript again. "My Enochian's a bit rusty, but there are no hidden meanings here, are there?"

Bobby shook his head. "Don't think so. If someone's crazy enough to want to go there, I guess everyone's gonna let him."

Zack sighed. "A few weeks ago, all I worried about was a shifter's nest in Oregon. And then Cas had to show up babbling about angels."

"You didn't have to let him in" Bobby reminded him.

"He's one of the best hunters I ever saw, and he's a... friend". Zack pronounced the word carefully, hesitantly, as if he hadn't used it in a while. He probably hadn't.

"I couldn't just let him leave. I didn't even know he died. He didn't tell anyone about his deal."

"He must have been very lonely."

"Don't I know that feeling" Zack answered bitterly.

"Were you thinking about your family? Was that why you couldn't sleep?" Bobby felt that a direct approach might be the best idea.

"Part of it. The Apocalypse didn't help matters."

"I could use my Grace. Knock you out for a few hours."

Zack declined. "No, you better use it to keep all of you safe. God knows what awaits you there."

"Monsters, mostly" Bobby said. "I wasn't around when Purgatory was created, of course, but I read enough to know it's not going to be a joyride. We should be able to take them all, though."

"Will Dean be okay? He seems good for now – "

"I'm pretty sure Cas will keep him on the straight and narrow. And he really did help us with Adam."

Bobby hadn't known Adam well; he had always been one of John's pet soldiers, and by the time he had risen in the ranks, he had already been safely in the library. Yet the angel had held John back, had sacrificed himself for them.

He would be remembered. They would make sure of it.

"Why did you think he helped us? No offense, but angels don't seem the most... persuadable species I've encountered."

"I have no idea. But if there's someone who can persuade anyone, it's Sam and Dean."

Zachariah nodded. "I can believe that. I've never seen Cas like this. Then again, we don't really have an Apocalypse to stop each week. That's certainly something I never expected."

"What did you think? That it was all just stories?" Bobby asked. In truth, he was interested in how humans perceived the word of God; he had spent too much time surrounded by books not to be curious.

"Actually, yes. I have read and used many lore books over the years. It comes with the territory. But angels... No hunter I ever knew met one."

"We don't exactly run around and preach the word of our Father."

"I've noticed" Zachariah said drily. "I suppose it would have been obvious if you had just started showing off your wings to religious nutcases. Would have made everything easier though."

"I'm not so sure. I think some part of mankind might have had a problem to be told that the world is about to end."

"That's the problem. Most people have no taste."

Bobby was reminded again that the man in front of him had lost his family to a monster. He couldn't fault him for losing his faith. He had come close enough to losing his in God when he had seen what the creatures who dared to call themselves angels had done to Dean.

"What do you plan on doing while we're taking a trip down?"

"Keeping open the portal" Zachariah answered. "It seems it usually closes after a short period of time. We can't allow that to happen. You need to have an exit. I've figured out how it works, don't worry."

Bobby felt that it would be wrong to ask. If there had been any danger involved, Zachariah would have told him of his own free will.

Cas was stirring when Dean entered the room again as quietly as he could; naturally, a life of hunting ensured that he jumped up the moment the door closed.

"Easy. It's just me."

Cas relaxed and let himself fall back on the bed.

"Where have you been?"

"With Sam."

He smiled as he took in Cas, still drowsy and his hair the usual mess.

"Did you sleep well?"

Cas nodded, then extended his hand. "Yes I did. Come here."


	33. Chapter 33

"Cas?" Dean asked, unsure. Did Cas wish to have sex? He wasn't against it, indeed his vessel was more than happy to contemplate it, but he suddenly felt nervous. He knew what would happen and how it worked, of course; but Cas had had experience, and he had none, and...

"Dean, please. I haven't slept that well in a long time. Come back here."

And the angel slipped happily back into his hunter's arms. They eventually settled on Cas' head pillowed on Dean's shoulder.

"Are you worried?" Dean asked. "About going back to Hell?"

"I – I haven't really –" Cas broke off, aware that Dean would know he was lying.

He sighed. "It won't be easy. You saw me. You know how close I came to – " he broke off. Dean ran his fingers through his hair.

"But you didn't. You didn't break. You were strong enough."

Cas laughed bitterly. "I was going to say yes, Dean. If you hadn't come, I would have tortured souls. And – I would have liked it. I know I would have. I would have loved to finally make someone else hurt after all the pain I had been through."

"Cas – " Dean's arms tightened around him as he continued to speak.

"I'm sorry to say that, but you touched my soul. You know. You didn't save a very good man, Dean. I'm surprised that you would even consider being here with me, least of all..." he looked up at the angel. Dean smiled sadly and cupped his face.

"Did you ever wonder what became of Sandy?"

"Sandy?"

"Sandy Millers. The girl you sold your soul for. She woke up in that field, and she was very scared, but she got home. She's at the top of her class and has many friends."

He kissed him gently, chastely. "You never even thought of that, did you? You just wanted to save her life. That's what kind of person you are. And you are right. I touched your soul. And it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen since my creation."

Cas wanted to protest, but he shut him up with another kiss. "It was. Sometimes I'm sad I can't see it anymore, that I'd have to touch it to see it, but then I look into your eyes."

Cas blushed. No one had ever talked to him like this. No one had ever made him feel like this. He reached up and drew Dean into a more passionate kiss.

"Shut up" he murmured.

"Never. I don't know if you've noticed, but I can be kind of annoying."

"You're not annoying."

Dean smiled. "Really? When we first met, you didn't seem very happy."

"I was surprised. I didn't think angels existed".

"And here you are, making out with one. How does it feel?"

As an answer, Cas kissed him again, and soon, he was pressed down on the bed, Dean's body holding him in position. But he didn't feel trapped. He felt exhilarated.

He realized where this was going and gently pushed Dean off.

"Dean... Do you want to..." he didn't know how to say it. He didn't know if Dean was even allowed to have sex. Hadn't angels been cast out of Heaven before for having sex? And that had been with mortal women. Maybe it was worse when he was with another man.

Dean chuckled, apparently guessing what he was thinking.

"Yeah. The stories about the Nephilim are true. But God's not there to do any casting out anymore. These days, angels who want to get a little something-something... they do. And it doesn't matter with whom." His expression grew serious. "Not that this is – like that. Cas, I – " he stopped and groaned. "Feelings are so confusing. I only now fully understood the way I love Sam, and Bobby too, I guess, and you – you are something else."

"Thank you?" Cas managed. They were on the brink of something, he knew. They had kissed and made out, but they had not yet acknowledged the feelings brewing between them openly. Until this moment, they could have still written this off as adrenaline. But here they were, talking about it. He could stop Dean if he wanted to. But he didn't. He, who had not managed to make a friend in years, he, who had isolated himself on purpose, he, who couldn't even recall if he had ever told his brother that he loved him, needed to hear. He needed to hear to believe.

"You are... You are so good, and you mean so much to me, in so many different ways..." Dean swallowed. "I love you, Cas."

He was surprised at the intensity of his happiness as he drew the angel close again, kissing him repeatedly before realizing that he hadn't told Dean what he meant to him. If an angel could acknowledge that he loved him of all people, then it was time to admit to himself and Dean how important he had come to be to Castiel Novak.

"I love you too, Dean."

Dean looked at him with awe, as if he hadn't thought he did, and Cas murmured it again, kissing him.

The angel nuzzled his neck, biting down gently, and this time, Cas made no attempt to pull away as his body arched against him.

"Can we have sex now?" Dean mumbled. "I'd like for you to teach me, Cas. Teach me how to make love."

And Cas was lost. Hell, Lilith, the Apocalypse – in one second, he forgot about everything as his world zeroed down on the beautiful man who had asked him to make love to him.

He kissed him desperately, he was drowning, drowning in the sensation of being in love, of finally, truly, experiencing love after the lonely years of his existence.

This, Dean realized, this was why humans liked it so much. Until now, it had felt very good to kiss Cas, he wouldn't deny that. But knowing that he loved him, one of the least worthy angels to ever be created –

Cas loved him. Loved him. He began nibbling on Cas' neck again, enjoying every moan he stole from the hunter, and then Cas was pulling of his shirt.

He rolled them around, Dean more than content to allow him to do so even though he could easily have stopped him; and now Cas was lying on top him, his hands stroking up and down his torso –

Not enough, this was not enough, he had to feel, he had to feel all of Cas –

He decided he could just rip the t-shirt off of him. What was angelic strength for? After all, to take it off properly he would have to stop kissing Cas, and that wasn't happening.

As a matter of fact, he was barely aware that he was destroying the garment, much less where he threw it then, because finally their skin touched and he could imitate Cas' movements, could make him feel what he was feeling.

The hunter moaned as his angel stroked his sides slowly, sensuously. He knew Dean was a virgin; where had he learned to do that? To drive him crazy with a simple touch of his hand?

His own fingers gently trailed down to the jeans Dean was wearing.

And for the next hour, they forgot that there was anything else in the world but this room and each other. They leanred to recognize each otehr's bodies with their eyes closed, which spots they could use to drive the other to the brink, where to touch –

Cas finally rolled off Dean, panting. The angel, of course, was not out of breath but looking at him with wide, happy eyes.

"That was awesome".

"Yes, it was" Cas confirmed as Dean drew him near again. "We need to clean – "

In the blink of an eye, they and the sheets were clean. Having an angel as a – boyfriend? Was handy, he had to admit.

"There" Dean said, kissing his head. "All done. You can rest now."

"We should talk" he said, although he was feeling tired after what they had just done.

"Why?" Dean asked innocently and Cas asked while he was trying to find a reason. Because that's what people did after they had gone through a change in their relationship? Because that's how it was?

"Have you... do you wanna stop this?" Dean inquired, sounding anxious.

"No" Cas said. For the first time since he could remember, he felt good, he felt right. He was probably going to die soon, but he would die feeling well. Loving and being loved.

"Good, then. We don't need to talk, then."

He was right about that.

Feeling spent and exposed, yet completely safe, Cas drifted off to sleep, Dean holding unto him.

Dean could have got up – he doubted Cas would have woken up even if a truck had driven through the room – but he stayed in bed, holding his righteous man.

He wondered what sleeping felt like. He had been unconscious, but it couldn't be the same. Humans dreamed. What did cas dream about? He found himself hoping he dreamed of him.

He gently stroked his hair, careful not to wake him up, and smiled as he sighed contentedly in his sleep. Yet at the same time, he watched slightly concerned, looking at the evidence that Cas was humand and Dean, for all his faults, was not.

He was an angel. He didn't belong on earth with a human. And Cas would... would eventually... Something in him cried out painfully at the thought of Cas growing old and dying, even though he knew he would go to Heaven.

No, what made Dean sad was that he would never get to experience it with Cas. He could never spent his life with the hunter, no matter how much he wished it. And eventually, this might not be enough for Cas. He might want a normal life, a family. Dean couldn't give him that.

It sucked, but he would have to get used to the idea of letting him go. Not now, though. Not yet. Now, they had to stop the Apocalypse. And to do that, they had to enter Purgatory.

They could sort out the rest afterwards.


	34. Chapter 34

The next day passed quickly. Thankfully, they didn't have to take any nourishment – angels didn't need to eat, and apparently humans felt no hunger or thirst in Purgatory or Hell, no matter if they arrived alive or dead – so really, protection was all they could need. And since Bobby and Zack seemed to know every spell and sigil under the sun, they soon had enough for their trip.

Cas and Dean disappeared now and then to have some time alone. Nobody mentioned it. If anything, the air seemed to be less tense since they got together, as if one good thing made up for what they would have to do.

"Are you sure you can kill Lilith?" Cas inquired once. "No offense, but she probably goes to great lengths to ensure she's safe."

"Don't worry. Angel mojo of three of us? She won't stand a chance."

"If you say so" he said, feeling anxious for a reason he couldn't name. Maybe he just had a bad feeling about this because he had to go back to Hell. Despite Dean's assurances, it was difficult to imagine his soul as something beautiful. To imagine himself as someone being worth rescuing. After all, in a corrupt Heaven it probably didn't mean much that he was the Righteous Man.

But the way Dean looked at him... He smiled.

"That's a good look at you."

He turned to Zack.

"What is?"

"You smiling. Don't think I saw it once before you went to Hell."

"You do realize how this sounds."

The older man shrugged. "Our lives have never been ordinary. I stopped caring about being normal a long time ago."

"I can't remember a time when I was" Cas admitted. And yet the way he had been brought up had eventually brought him the greatest happiness of his life. He caught Dean's eyes. They smiled at one another. At times, he was still ready to swear that he saw Dean's Grace light up green. His vessel couldn't have had eyes like this; there must be something, the very essence of the angel, that made them warm and inviting, impossible to look away –

"You're staring".

"Sorry" Cas mumbled, looking back down where he was mixing a few herbs for an emergency hex bag.

"I didn't mean it like that. As I said, life is short. And god knows how much time you have with those you love."

Again, Cas was reminded of his family and the smiling happy man in the picture he had never met. Zack seemed to draw a certain strength from his happiness though, as if it did him good to see his friend joyful for once.

"Romeo, need you hear."

Dean blushed as he heard Bobby call out to him.

"Yeah?"

"Copy that for me, will ya? Just want to make sure we can all draw the sigil from memory in case things get awry."

"But can't the door only be opened during the eclipse?"

"That may be, but I'm not leaving anything to chance. So stop staring at the hunter over there and get drawing."

Dean sighed dramatically but did as he was told.

After a while, Bobby said, "You know I'm not against it, right? Just checking."

"Don't worry, I know you would have told me if you were."

"Damn straight. But – and I don't wanna rain on your parade boy, it's nice to see you happy – he's human."

"I know" Dean admitted, focusing on his drawing.

"What do you plan to do about it?"

"Not much I can do. You know what falling means. And I doubt Cas would find raising me from a baby very attractive."

"So it's that serious" Bobby stated flatly. When Dean realized what he had said, he flinched. Was he really contemplating falling?

Yes. Yes, he was. If there was a way – if he wouldn't end up as an infant with no memory of his angelic life – he would fall to be with Cas. But every angel who had fallen had been reborn. He couldn't stay in this form and become human.

He looked down at his drawing, realized he'd made a tiny mistake and corrected it.

"There. That should be it."

"Dean..."

"Did I get it right? He insisted.

Bobby sighed. "Yes."

"Good, then". He moved away, ignoring the way his vessel's heart was pounding in his chest, the realization what he was willing to do for Cas being equally exhilarating and terrifying.

The hunter had told him he loved him. But did he love him enough to accept him as a human without powers? When he could no longer protect him and was forced to eat and sleep and earn money? How could he possibly be strong enough to look after his charge if he turned human? Then again, it would never happen. He couldn't become human, no matter how much he wished for it, wished for a normal life he could lead with his hunter.

How could he have come to love him so much without realizing? Well, he had managed to believe the connection he shared with Sammy was nothing but admiration for an angel that was so much better than he. He snorted at the thought, now.

Emotions. They were so fascinating. He would never understand why their Father had been against them experiencing any.

Although... who was to say this was truly the case? After all, he had allowed Sam and Bobby and him to feel them. So other angels must be able to as well. If they could only show them...

But that was for later, if they survived what they were about to do. Cas would. He would make sure of it, even if it cost him his life. At least, he thought sadly, he wouldn't have to wonder about becoming human then.

"Dean? Is everything alright?" Cas was looking at him worriedly. He tried to smile.

"Yeah. Just worried about tomorrow."

"We all are."

"I'm glad Zack is holding the fort. If anyone can pull us back if we take too long, it's him."

"That's true" Cas agreed. "He does possessed an unparalleled knowledge of lore. Although I think Bobby might know even more."

Dean grinned. "We should have a contest. It would be hilarious."

"You have never stayed up all night to discuss the meanings of certain words in Arabic with Zack. I doubt you would find it as amusing as you think".

"The eclipse is in four hours. You should get some rest."

"I slept very well yesterday, and I couldn't even if I tried."

"I could knock you out."

"Thank you, but I prefer not to be put to sleep."

And that was that. Dean would happily have done it anyway, but he couldn't ignore Cas' wishes like that, although he desperately wanted him to rest.

He couldn't blame him. None of them seemed to sit still for longer than five minutes at a time, not even Bobby, who had seen more battles than all of them put together.

Once the eclipse began, it would be another matter entirely. They would have something to do then, even if it was highly dangerous and involved fighting through Purgatory to kill Lilith.

He doubted it would be much of a problem once they found the demon. Demon smiting was after all part of the job description, and without knowing where to find them, as Bobby had assured them, Heaven could not cut them off from their powers. But getting there...

He wasn't looking forward to ganking monsters all the way to Hell, and Lilith must have put up one Hell (pun totally intended because he was still the funniest angel in any garrison, really) of protection. She knew after all; she was working on breaking the seals, so she had to know.

If she hadn't been demon scum, Dean would have been impressed at her loyalty. Death was the only thing that scared demons, and she was ready to be destroyed to set Lucifer free.

Not that it changed anything, but it was brave.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Zack rubbing his temple and moved to lay a hand between his shoulder blades. Once help of Grace, and the headache was gone.

"Thanks. But you really shouldn't spend your Grace on that."

"We need you fit." He hesitated, then added, "Have you ever heard of the Men of Letters?"

"The old group who collected all magical knowledge they could find? Of course. I have some of their books here."

"Do you know their rescue spell?"

"Yes." Zack looked at him. "That only works on humans, though."

"I know". Dean swallowed. "If we're not back in twenty-four hours, use it on Cas."

"I hardly think he'll want it."

"Please. I just want him safe." He'd been thinking of the old spell the whole day. It was Cas' exit ticket if things went wrong. He'd be saved.

Something in his face must have told Zack that arguing was useless, because he nodded just as Bobby called out "Boys! We need to get going!"

It was time.


	35. Chapter 35

Bobby finished the sigil and stepped back.

"Just keep the protections up" Sam adviced Zachariah one last time; he rolled his eyes but nodded. He looked at Dean, his expression shuttered, but the angel knew he would keep his promise if push came to shove.

"I guess that's it then" Zachariah said, turning to Cas. "Be careful. I imagine there are a few monsters who'd like to get their hands on you down there."

"Don't worry. I have three angels with me."

"Just take care." Zachariah squeezed his shoulder and stepped back.

He had come to know him better in the last few weeks than in all the years he had come to him for information. He hadn't had to help him, and yet here he was, being chased by Heaven because he had chosen to let several fugitives, most of them relegate angels, into his houses. Cas' throat felt tight. He couldn't think of a thing to say but hoped that Zack knew he was thankful regardless.

He took Dean's hand.

"It's time."

The angel nodded, looking troubled. Cas couldn't help himself and stole a kiss.

"It's going to be fine". He didn't believe it himself, and it was clear that Dean didn't either, but his angel smiled regardless.

"Of course it is. It's us. What could possibly happen?" Dean asked sarcastically.

"At least you are not crazy anymore" Cas supplied.

"You are so wonderfully optimistic. Love that about you."

"Guys, we really should get going..." Sam interrupted him, but he was obviously fighting back a smile. Bobby, while he looked far more stern, didn't seem particularly obsessed either. He nodded at Zack, who began the incantation.

The wall seemed to... break apart piece by piece, but all Cas could see behind it was darkness. They moved forward.

He later would realize that he couldn't remember the transition from earth to Purgatory; the next thing he knew, he was lying on a cold and damp floor with Dean looking down at him.

"Cas?"

He groaned. "I'm fine. What happened?"

"We didn't take into account that you're a living breathing human being and that you shouldn't be here. You were out for a few minutes."

"I'm fine" he repeated, sitting up. "We have to move."

"Are you sure – " Sam asked.

"Yes" he interrupted him. He was. He didn't even feel dizzy.

He took in their surroundings. They were in a forest; strange dim light showed him nothing but trees.

"Anything?" he asked.

"There are a few vampires about a mile back, but other than that..." Sam said.

Bobby pointed south. "That's where we're going."

"You sure? I don't want to run around killing monsters all day" Dean replied.

Bobby only raised an eyebrow. It was answer enough.

They trudged along the path he had indicated. Cas couldn't deny that it felt... strange. Foreboding and exhilarating at the same time. He didn't understand. He wished he could have taken Dean's hand, but they needed to be able to fight whenever something ambushed them.

Suddenly, Dean called out, and Cas only managed to jump to the side as something that looked human but was far too fast to be launched itself at him; Sam was there immediately but found that he could not smite it as it tossed him aside, focusing on Cas, but Bobby decapitated it before it could go further.

"What the Hell..." Dean mumbled, moving closer and inspecting the dark liquid that was oozing out of the torso and severed head. "What is that?"

Whatever it was, if the angels didn't know it couldn't be good.

"We need to move" he urged and since Sam called out at the same time, "There are more of these things coming!" they started to run, Bobby in the lead.

Cas found, to his surprise, that he didn't need to catch his breath, and the euphoria that he suspected was dangerous began coursing through his veins again before he reminded himself why they were here. He shouldn't feel good, he shouldn't feel free in Purgatory like one of those monsters that were chasing them.

Yet, as he turned around and set a Wendigo on fire that had been hiding behind a tree and decided to pounce at them, he felt the temptation to run in the other direction, into battle. He shook his head and continued to run beside Dean.

Bobby stopped abruptly.

"It should be somewhere hereabouts..."

"Of course they couldn't be more specific" Dean grumbled as he quickly bruned a protection seal in a few trees nearby so they could look for the door without being ambushed. "it's just a door to Hell. Not like it's important or anything.

Cas gently touched his arm before looking around, and he soon realized that Dean had decided to always stay within his line of sight. He didn't mind at all, despite the obvious problem of needing more time to find it.

It was Sam who called out, "Got it!" and they went to where his voice came from only to find a small hole in a rock.

Cas frowned, but before he could ask, Bobby had snapped his fingers and turned it into a door.

"Saves time" he explained.

"And now they'll know we're coming" Dean complained.

"No one really knows about this door. Plus, we'll probably be spotted quickly anyway. They must have their feelers out for angels, especially since you broke Cas out."

"Great."

"How are you feeling?" Cas asked them.

"Don't worry. We're all almost as powerful as we were on earth" Sam assured him.

"Almost?"

"As you might have noticed, we can't really teleport out of here. One of the reasons so many angels fall whenever we besiege Hell."

Cas nodded. It wasn't really a surprise; in fact, he had already more or less suspected something like that, and of course for the angels it was so obvious that they hadn't considered telling him. But he had always been sure being transported away was not the answer, no matter how dangerous it got.

Two hours. They had been gone for two hours. Twenty-two more before Dean had made him promise he would pull Cas out.

Zachariah hoped they would be back long before then, but he couldn't be sure. Since Cas' years in Hell had been mere months on earth, he supposed he could be optimistic.

Not that it made him think any more of their prospects. Killing Lilith was a suicide mission at best. He swallowed and pushed the thought away. Panicking wouldn't do any good.

The minute Cas stepped into Hell, he was assaulted by memories. Alastair's voice. The knife. The offer...

"Cas? Cas, I'm here."

He opened his eyes, not remembering having closed them, and looked at Dean, who was squeezing his shoulder. Hard.

"I'm okay. Let's go".

Dean nodded and they moved forward, Sam and Bobby having given them a moment after seeing that Cas was having a problem.

It still wasn't easy. He had spent as much time in Hell as on earth – in a sense, he had lived half his life there – and he would still be here if it weren't for the angels currently guiding him right to its core.

He had hoped not to see it again for years.

His body was on high alert, his heart pounding, each of his senses going into overdrive.

The flames. God, he could smell the flames again. Once, Alastair had amused himself by burning off his flesh and allowing it to grow back again. It had been just the beginning, but he had almost said yes then and there.

And how delighted Alastair had been that he hadn't, that he could continue to torture him for a while longer.

They had hoped they might be able to sneak at least past the first wall of defence, but as Bobby had pointed out, demons could spot angels very easily, and soon they heard them scream as many just flung themselves at them.

Bobby smote the first line.

"Thank God they're stupid."

"Doesn't make this much easier" Sam said, getting rid of another one that Cas had stunned with holy water. "We still have to get past all of them and –"

"We have to split up. Dean, Cas, off you go. We'll keep them off your backs."

"But Bobby – "

"Go, you idjits, right now only the dumb ones are there, the better ones are all deeper down. They probably didn't even count us."

"We've got this Dean. Go!" Sam ordered and Dean reluctantly grabbed Cas' arm as he dragged him behind a corner.

Cas didn't protest; there was no point in aggravating Dean's obvious pain at leaving his brother and his father figure behind.

They took small but quick steps. They had got get away before another demon sensed Dean's presence. They were only at the beginning of their journey. They couldn't battle through all of Hell.

Slowly, the sounds of the battle faded away as they made their way deeper into Hell.

They were on their own.


	36. Chapter 36

_They'll be fine, they'll be fine, they'll be fine_ , Dean recited to himself as he led Cas further into Hell, away from the sounds of the fight.

_Sammy can hold his own, and how often have you seen Bobby kick demon ass? They'll be fine. It's all going to be fine._

If only he could have believed himself.

_Fathe_ r, he prayed, help them. Help us. _If you are out there, watching... don'T let this happen. Don't let the world burn. There's too much beauty in it_.

Cas' face was stern, his eyes steely. He had worried Dean when he had had the flashback as they stepped through the door. Not that he could blame him. He still remembered the fire that had burned his wings. They'd been sensitive for a while. And they had lost several angels that day... Would one of them have helped them? Like Adam had? Perhaps it was for the best; perhaps they were doomed to fail after all, perhaps this was not what their Father wanted...

Great. He was free of Heaven's mind control and now his own doubts were kicking in. He had doubts in his doubts. Wonderful. But when he looked at Cas... No. They were doing the right thing. After all, they should have protected God's creations. IT was their original mission, before Heaven's politics had intervened and started to brainwash any angel who protested. After everything, he was certain that they all – including himself, Sam and Bobby – had been treated at one point or another. Some multiple times, certainly. And that was just wrong. There was no way to defend teh conduct of their brethren.

Well. Ex-brethren. They certainly wouldn't include them in their club anymore, not that Dean cared. He'd found a much better club.

Hell was quiet... for the most part. Dean's heightened senses told him there were demons all around, torturing, being tortured, screaming, the part that still remembered they had once been human deeply buried, so deeply that most didn't know it was there, but Dean still felt the agony of every soul. That was why he preferred fighting demons on earth. While they might be taking humans (and thereby opening w whole other can of worms) there was at least a certain distance when they had a meat suit. He wasn't forced to look at them and see what had become of God's creatures... well, if he tamped down his sight. Still. It was a plus.

Cas was next to him, salt gun and holy water ready. He knew he would have to do the smiting if they were caught. He also knew that they had lost (no, not lost, they were fine, they were fine) two valuable players... And that Cas really shouldn't be here.

But if Lilith had proofed her safe place against angels (and she probably had, he doubted Heaven had told Hell they were working towards the same goal) he needed him to get rid of the sigils so Dean could move in.

This was Hell. If only he had been using it as a metaphor. For the most part, Cas managed not to think, not to remember, just focusing on moving forward, on the task at hand. But when he didn't... Oh God, when he didn't...

He thought he understood what Dean had gone through now, with thoughts he hadn't needed or wanted disrupting his minds at the most importune moments.

_You'll be a good demon, one day. I'll carve you into a new animal._

_What would your father say if he could see you now? Screaming, begging? Would he be disgusted or indifferent? What would you say, Castiel?_

_But perhaps he wouldn't react at all. Not even indifferent – perhaps he just wouldn't see you. he never did, am I right? What about your brother, though? How do you think he would feel? Or did he hate you and taht was why he left? Maybe his problem wasn't your father. Maybe it was you, making him sick, following orders all the time instead of thinking for yourself –_

_The insults kept coming. Castiel was screaming, so he didn't hear them all; but those he did hear pierced what was left of his soul. He knew it was true. He knew he deserved every stab, every taunt, and that his family would have been disgusted if they could have seen how easily he was breaking apart, because he could already feel his humanity slipping away, becoming twisted, mangled, and what kept it holding on was perversely nothing but hate for the demon who had been torturing him for years – and wiuld never get tired of it, it seemed. Out of all the monsters he had hunted, Castiel didn't think he had ever seen something as bad as Alastair. It was difficult to imagine that he had ever been human._

_Maybe Castiel would become just like him. Maybe it were the most undeserving humans who became the best demons. It made sense._

_Enjoying yourself?_

_How Castiel hated his voice, this light, slimy voice that pierced through his very core. No matter how much he screamed, he always heard something – always hard Alastair was talking, still talking._

_How many people had he broken just by talking to them? Castiel was certain he had._

Cas realized he'd been walking after Dean blindly, caught in his flashback, and shook his head.

_You have to help Dean. You have to kill Lilith. Get a grip of yourself_

At other times, it might not have helped that his inner voice sounded like his father, but now it allowed him to concentrate at least.

"Dean?" he whispered. "Do you hear something?"

"Too much" he mumbled back, his shoulders tensing. Of course. And angel could probably hear every demon in Hell if he wanted to.

Despite it not being the right moment (when had Cas ever had one of those?) he reached out and gently laid a hand on Dean's back, between his shoulder blades. After all, they were in a relationship of sorts, and he was supposed to help Dean navigate through Hell anyway.

"It can't be easy".

"Talk about easy. The last thing I ever wanted to see was you back here."

They smiled weakly at one another, perfect understanding humming between them and moved forward. They had to hurry. If they did, perhaps they could eventually help Sam and Bobby. They were alive. Cas had to believe that.

He was surprised at how well Dean knew the paths through Hell, but then again, he was an angel. He had been fighting demons for millennia. He might have been in Hell often enough, fighting hopeless battles.

"We're getting closer" Dean mumbled, but Cas wasn't sure whether he wanted to inform him or reassure himself.

"She probably won't be alone" he interjected; Dean nodded, his eyes shuttered.

"Yeah, Cas. You know who –"

"So you haven't heard him yet."

They didn't have to pronounce Alastair's name. But Dean would certainly be able to pick out his voice, that voice that still sounded in Cas' head, out of the other noises in Hell. Everyone would. Cas shuddered just thinking about it, despite the heat that was getting worse and worse the closer they got to the hiding place. He must not have been held captive that deep into Hell the first tiem, he realized – or at least he didn't remember it being that hot. But it was difficult to remember anything thjat wasn't pain. He might just not have noticed. And it had takene several angels to get him out.

Dean grabbed him and all but threw him in a dark corner, coming to duck beside him. Two demons dragged a screaming soul through the corridor, thankfully too busy to pay attention to the shadows.

The soul was already starting to rot, Cas could tell. The... soul-body (he didn't know what else to call it, only that human souls materialized in Hell as they had looked on earth, probably because it was easier to torture them that way) didn't heal as his had done. But maybe that had just been a trick of Alastair's, so he had more meat to cut? But on the other hand... Wouldn't he have kept wounds open? Either way, this soul was badly wounded and its screams were less those of anguish and pain as of hatred and a desperate wish for vengeance.

Dean had looked away, the sight apparently too much for an angel with a great love for humanity, and Cas eventually had to close his eyes as well and didn't open them again until Dean said, "We're free to go".

This was what would have become of him. He would have slowly rotted away, only leaving the shadow of what had been in a bloodthirsty demon. He pushed the thought away and followed Dean.

Somehow, they made it. He knew this was it when Dean stood still and stared at an area hidden in darkness.

"That's how far I can go".

"They must have used powerful protection spells, then."

"Of course. Alright, then". Dean took a deep breath and punched Cas' shoulder lightly, trying to grin.

"Showtime."


	37. Chapter 37

“This is it?“ Cas asked, eying a small opening in the wall.

Dean nodded. “I can’t get closer. You have to find the sigils. I wish I could – “

“It’s alright” Cas quickly assured him. “I already did it once before, didn’t I?”

True, he hadn’t been in Hell, and there hadn’t been the first demon waiting for him at the other end. But he still had to try. It was their only chance.

Looking at Dean, he became aware that he might never see him again. This was more or less a suicide mission. Even if they hadn’t said it out loud, had even acted like they would be coming back when saying their goodbyes to Zachariah, they had known they wouldn’t.

And Sam and Bobby might already be...

He drew Dean in a desperate kiss. They were standing in Hell, he was about to sneak up on Lilith, and he was kissing the angel who had saved him. Who had shown him love, no matter for how short a period of time.

Dean kissed back just as passionately before gently pushing him back, cradling his face in his hands, staring as if he could see right into his soul. And maybe he could. He had put his mark on him after all.

They didn’t need to say anything. He simply turned around and left.

Dean didn’t like watching Cas go right into Lilith’s den, but what choice did he have? His lips were still tangling from that kiss. The sneaky bastard better get out again so they could repeat that.

He thought of Sam and Bobby and his Grace cried out in agony. No. He hadn’t seen their bodies. He had no news that they were –

They were alive. They had to be.

Until he had proof they were dead, at least.

He kept a constant watch on the borders that were keeping him out. The second they fell, he’d sweep in.

There had not yet much time passed on earth. In fact, it had hardly been more than three hours since they had left – time in Purgatory, contrary to that in Hell, passed just like on earth.

Twenty-one hours before Zachariah attempted to pull Cas out. A lot could happen. Hell, they would probably all be dead then.

He would take Lilith with him, though. The very least he had to do was kill the bitch, not only so that the Apocalypse couldn’t start but that Cas’ contract became null and void. Cas deserved a place in –

He realized what he had been thinking and shuddered. What would they do to his soul in Heaven? But, where else could Cas go? Dean couldn’t allow him to become a demon. But with Heaven corrupt –

_You are not dead yet. Concentrate. You’re going to kill Lilith, and then, who knows? Who cares? Just pretend he’s immortal for a minute, for Christ’s sake. You got crap to do._

It helped that his inner voice that had always resembled John had finally changed to Bobby. He tightened his grip on his angel blade and waited.

Cas moved as quietly as possible. Not even the heat, not even the screams he could still hear faintly meant anything to him now. He was completely focused, as he had always been during hunts.

And this was the most important hunt of his life. If he failed now...

He grit his teeth. He couldn’t allow himself to dwell on the possibility of failure. He had to find the sigils.

Lilith would not have allowed her abode to be small. He would have to circle a big space, most likely. Would there be guards? There could be, but on the other hand, demons always thought too much of themselves and perhaps Lilith considered herself too valuable to be guarded by those beneath her. Hadn’t Dean said she was the High Priestess of the demons? Maybe she thought Satan would protect her.

He crept forward slowly, one step at a time. When he heard steps, he slunk back in the shadows, and watched a demon step through a doorway, bow reverently and then leave swiftly.

Lilith apparently had servants.

But there was no guard at the doorway. Only several symbols, seals and sigils, all of which he had seen in the course of his career. He made quick work of them and moved on. At least they had this; the fact that demons could only protect themselves the same way humans could. Which he supposed made sense, considering they had been humans once too.

Dean wished he could jump into action. The wait was making him crazy.

Especially since a demon was coming closer.

The one he had saved Cas from.

Alastair.

He had to press himself against the wall to keep from attacking him right there and then. But it would have alerted Lilith. He could only pray that the wouldn’t notice Cas until it was too late.

Cas had lost track of how many sigils he had broken, but finally, he heard voices.

And one of them he knew he would never forget.

“It is almost time.”

“I know. Lucifer will rise.”

“The Righteous Man – “

“We will find him. Have faith.”

Cas would have laughed if he had been allowed to. A beast like Alastair could enver have faith, not even the faith in Lucifer the demons had. He was in this for the simple enjoyment he got out of carving and slicing into others, and if Cas had had an angel blade with him then –

He swallowed and walked right by the voices.

He knew that this had been the last sigil when Dean came to stand next to him, apparently having started running the second he felt he could.

“Alastair” he whispered. “And Lilith”.

Dean nodded.

They were going to try and get as close as possible when Alastair’s voice rang out.

“There’s no need to hide, Castiel. I know where you are. I know the smell of your fear.”

They looked at one another. Then, Cas nodded.

They barged into the room, figuring surprise was their best iption.  

Dean knew it wasn’t the best idea, and really, it was no idea at all, but pure instinct to protect Cas that made him burry his blade in Alastair’s throat.

As his torturer died, Cas watched with a satisfaction that would have worried him if he had had the time; Dean saw it on his face but couldn’t help but understand. How often must his hunter have wished to do the same thing.

Naturally, the next thing they knew, a whole army of demons were throwing themselves at them while Lilith shrieked indignantly.

The only reason Cas managed to hold his own for more than a few seconds was his life-long training, and perhaps a shyness the demons still possessed about the man who had been rescued from Hell. But that wouldn’t last long. They had to get to Lilith, and fast.

“De – “

Before he could finish calling for the angel, a bright light blended him. For a second, he hoped that this was it, that Dean had smitten Lilith; but then he felt the pull – he didn’t know how else to describe it; a power drawing him away from the demons, who moved back in a panic. Strangely, he was feeling calm and safe.

The conviction that he shouldn’t shot through his mind, and he fought against it. Whatever this was, it was pulling him away from Dean. He had to stay with him.

But it was hopeless. The light only grew brighter, he had to close his eyes, and when he opened them, he saw –

Nothing.


	38. Chapter 38

Concentrate, he told himself, you have to concentrate.

Just a second ago, he had been fighting next to Dean. Had he been killed? His last time dying hadn't felt like this. And there was... nothing around him. It was not even dark. Just nothing. He saw nothing, he heard nothing –

Until the voice spoke.

**Castiel Novak.**

He didn't have to wonder who it was. His whole being vibrated with the knowledge that he was speaking to an Archangel.

"Michael" he breathed.

**It is I. You are not an easy man to find.**

He would have believed that this was an attempt at humour if Michael hadn't sound completely calm, cold even.

"The Apocalypse mustn't happen" he said, surprised at his own bravery. Michael could kill him if he wished too, and yet he was ready to argue with him.

**It is God's will.**

"How do you know? God has been gone a long time."

**As the words are written –**

"How do you even know it was truly God's will? Anyone could have written that". He didn't care that he had just interrupted Michael. The archangel had found him, pulled him into this non-descript place, and his friends... his friends were...

Dean.

He swallowed.

"I'll never say yes" he announced, knowing that Michael could well force him too. But he needed to say it. At least once.

He had to fight for his friends. For Dean.

**I am aware that you don't want me to fight Lucifer. But what other choice do you have?**

Logical. Uncaring.

"I can scream no. And I will. And you will lose time over it. Maybe not much, but..."

**You can gain nothing by your stubbornness.**

"I don't care."

**If this is about the rebelling angels...**

"Yes. The ones you forced into rebellion because they wanted to save the world!"

**They didn't –**

"I don't want to hear anything about God's will."

**You are a stubborn human.**

There was a certain condescending tone in his otherwise completely neutral voice as he spoke of humans, and Cas swallowed, even more worried than before. If Michael didn't think much of humans (and wasn't that how Lucifer was supposed to be like? Wasn't that why he had fallen? Perhaps the brothers hadn't been fighting about God's new creations after all – perhaps Michael had only drawn the line at open rebellion. And if that was true - )

"I do my best."

**You are not very respectful.**

"You are trying to destroy the world."

**That is not true.**

"It would mean Humanity's end."

**You would all live in glory in Heaven.**

"I do not want to be part of your Heaven."

Not after what they had done to Dean. Not after everything they had put Dean through.

**But you are. All our Father's creations are part of his Kingdom –**

Suddenly, right as Cas began to think that this would lead to nothing but torture until he broke, he felt – anger. Not his own, but Michael's, burning cold and strong, and he could physically feel it – it was ripping him apart –

But at the same time, his soul sang out because this could only mean one thing. Michael had been concentrating on Cas, had not taken the time to deal with Dean.

Dean must have killed Lilith before the other angels could stop him.

The Apocalypse would not come to pass.

He smiled even as he could feel Michael's anger burn him.

Then, suddenly, it was gone.

**I still need a vessel.**

"No you don't. It's over."

**I know. But I need a vessel to order Heaven.**

"What does it matter now?" Cas asked tiredly. What did it matter, really? He could easily give up his body as long as it didn't mean the world would end.

But Dean and the others – if they were still alive – was Michael going to kill them? Had he already? Perhaps it had already been days since he'd brought him here.

**I see you have come to some conclusions. And I want to offer you a deal.**

"You are not a demon" he spat out, amazed that an Archangel would sink so low.

**You have not heard my conditions.**

"There's nothing –"

**I would be ready to spare the life of the traitors.**

Cas was silent.

It was pure desperation that allowed Dean to succeed. One second Cas was right there with him, having held Alastair long enough at bay for Dean to smite him (and it had been satisfying to watch the bastard who'd tortured Cas die, he wouldn't deny that) and then he was just – gone.

And several angels were attacking him.

He knew immediately that he wouldn't make it out alive. And he couldn't see Cas.

So considering he couldn't leave his vessel because of the sigils, he did something desperate and simply jumped right in the middle of the line of demons who were protecting Lilith, and they were so stunned that he managed to reach her before anyone had attacked him.

And this time, he finally got lucky. Because Lilith, utterly convinced she was protected by Satan and feeling better than anyone else – so really just being a demon in general – waved the other demons back, who promptly started a fight with the angels.

"So you are the angel who stole the Righetous Man from us."

"Doesn't seem to have slowed you down. You do realize that Lucifer never cared for you, right?"

Her eyes widened. "My sacrifice will bring Paradise on earth! We will finally be free to roam – "

"Yeah, sure. After Lucifer is done smiting all of you."

She huffed. "I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand."

Dean was pretty sure this wouldn't end well. Lilith was the oldest and one of the strongest demons, he was locked in his vessel and therefore couldn't escape as quickly as he would have been able to in his true form – not to mention that he'd probably feel every wound she inflicted on his body – and he was alone –

Where was Cas? What had happened? He would have noticed if the demons had taken him, he wouldn't have gone without a fight. So what happened? Where was Cas?

His thoughts were going in a circle again, but he decided he'd liked it better when he had been fighting Heaven's commands and Cas had been at his side, safe.

Somehow, it was the memory of the hunter holding his hand, asking him if everything was alright, that gave him the strength to ditch Lilith's first attack and bring the blade up to her neck.

He really should have seen it coming that she had one herself. How many angels had fallen in Hell just as they had saved Cas? And there had been many more battles. God knew how many blades the demons had collected in the course of the years.

She was hovering hers over his stomach.

"So, angel, who's it going to be?"

"Where's Cas?"

Her white eyes seemed to be laughing at him.

"So... the rumours were true, then?"

"Where do you even hear those?" he snapped, because he suddenly realized that she was very well-informed. Too well-informed.

It was almost like –

"Where is he?" he hissed once more.

"I know you put the pieces together" she said impatiently. "This was not what I wanted – how could I ever work with you winged bastards? But when they offered me protection and the certainty that Lucifer will be freed against Michael's vessel – "

"You're lying" Dean replied. "You – you're lying."

Even though he knew Heaven wished to start the Apocalypse as much as the demons did, the thought of any angel making a deal with Lilith to assure it –

No. Just no. They had fought against demons together. They would never –

"Why should I? So you see, you can't smite me" she gloated. "And you can't kill me with your blade. Not when we're in a Mexican standoff."

Dean grit his teeth. He needed to warn Sam and Bobby. If they were still alive –

He realized she had sealed off the room of all communications between angels as she laughed.

"And don't even hope they could have escaped" she continued. "I sent – "

And that was how Lilith's career as High Priestess and saviour of Satan came to an anticlimactic and rather bloody end, because if there was one thing Dean had learned millennia ago, it was never to underestimate his brother and Bobby.

"Demons, yeah. But you are one too, if I'm not mistaken" Bobby called out as he and Sam launched themselves into the wall of demons, smiting them left and right, while Dean made a quick job of those around him and Lilith while still holding her at blade point.

"Sorry for the delay" Bobby said as they arrived.

And with that, Bobby stabbed his blade right into Lilith's back. She screamed as the last chance for Lucifer to walk free on earth died.

Dean wished he could have said it was over.

"Cas" he breathed, before they could realize he was missing, "They have – "

And then, there he was, standing in front of them.

Only that wasn't Cas.

Dean had never been important enough to meet an Archangel.

But he knew Cas.

And there was nothing of the hunter in these cold blue eyes now.

"Michael."


	39. Chapter 39

It was Bobby who had spoken, Dean too shaken and Sam too surprised to utter a word. He wished he could have felt triumphant; after all, they had spoilt his plan, had ripped the pages of the story into pieces. But Michael had Cas.

Michael had Cas.

That the Apocalypse wouldn't come to pass – it meant nothing now. His own death that was sure to follow meant nothing now.

Everything he had done he had done to save Cas. To save the Righteous Man once more. And he had failed.

Was he even now screaming at him from the prison within his own flesh? Was he burning in Michael's Grace? He wouldn't have sent his vessel's soul to Heaven. He wouldn't have waited. Not Michael, who threw his own brother into Hell because God ordered him to.

"Robert. I must admit I was surprised and dismayed when I learned of your deflection. You were an honourable soldier."

"You mean like you before you began plotting with that demon scum."

The look Michael gave him was all wrong for Cas' face. His hunter had always had a problem with staring at people for too long – but this age-old, long gaze just seemed wrong, seemed out of place. Dean wanted to attack, wanted to kill. But he couldn't. If he killed Michael, he killed Cas.

"Let him go" he ordered before becoming aware that he was trying to intimidate someone who had never even deigned to speak to him before.

"Dean. He treasures his memories of you" Michael sneered, or at least his expression was as close to a sneer as it would get. "You ran away from Heaven, and for what? You failed."

Before the pain could make him crumble, Sam interjected, "We killed Lilith."

"There are other ways in the cage. There had to be; the Apocalypse is God's will."

"After everything you have seen, you still believe that?" Bobby asked. "You still think God wants the same stuff to happen even though he left us millennia ago?"

"Our Father left to watch us fulfil the roles he had chosen for us."

For the first time, there was something like regret in his words. Had it hurt Michael when he had cast Lucifer out? Dean had only heard stories about how close they had been. He had never seen them together. Had they been – had they been like him and Sam, closer than angels normally were? Had Michael thought that God's command was punishment?

"But – if you can get in the cage anyway – what do you need Cas for?" he tried. Arguing with Michael about destiny would lead to nothing; but perhaps they could make him let Cas go. Michael had not sounded completely sure of himself when he had spoken of the ways in the cage. It could take another millennia to find out. It could take forever. So he didn't need Cas.

"I have decided that I shall take matters into my own hands. My subordinates have proven to be... fickle and undeserving of the trust I bestowed upon them. John has been relieved of his duties."

Dean wondered if Michael had killed him. Probably not. John was still a good soldier. Perhaps he had been handed over to Ava for reprogramming. He wouldn't put it past Michael. He wouldn't put it was any of them.

"You on the other hand..." Michael trailed off. "You will be banished, of course."

"That's all?" Dean asked before he could stop himself. And really, what did it matter?

"Sadly, I cannot even cut you off from your powers. Castiel and I have an agreement. He serves as my vessel as long as I don't harm you."

Of course Cas would do that. Of course Cas would sacrifice himself without hesitation if it meant they were safe.

"So I have to let you go. For your own sakes, stay far away from Heaven. The other angels would not be pleased to see you. I hope we never meet again."

Then he was gone. Sam moved to hold Dean up. He hadn't even realized that the knees of his vessel were giving way.

They did not have to tell Zachariah that they had lost Cas. One look at their faces when he opened the door told him everything and he paled as he stepped back.

Bobby explained what had happened in a few sentences.

Zack asked, "So we're safe?" in a tense voice. It was his only answer.

Bobby nodded.

"You can stay at my house."

Then he proceeded to sit down and read. Dean guessed it was his default reaction and went upstairs to his room.

The bed he and Cas had made love in. Dean knew humans sometimes thought of the act differently, but he hoped that was what it had been. He and his hunter had made love.

The knowledge in Michael's eyes haunted him. The knowledge and the insult, that the Archangel thought what they had done was filthy, unnatural. That punishment from God awaited them.

Was this their punishment? Cas burning while Michael used him as his puppet, and Dean unable to stop him?

No. What they had done had not been wrong. It had felt right: it had been right. They loved each other. Love came from God.

And he could have walked away anytime, could have let Sammy look after Cas. But he had chosen to stay, he had chosen to love Cas. And Cas had chosen him too.

He was not going to leave him to Michael. He didn't know how, but he knew one thing: The man he loved would not be used as an angel condom for all eternity.

He closed his eyes and tucked his arms around his knees. He would find a way. He had to.

The others left him mostly to himself; he guessed they were waiting for him to talk first. He had never been one to share his feelings, even when he hadn't understood that he had any yet. But they would wait. Even better. It gave him time to do what must be done.

It took a few weeks of research, a few weeks haunting Zack's house, who really didn't seem to mind that three angels had decided to stay for now. If anything, he apparently liked their silent company.

He spoke very little, indeed, only to hunters who called to ask for help; most of the time he sat around and read quietly, and it took Dean a while to figure out it was the older man's version of mourning for a friend.

True to his word, Michael had not cut them off from their powers. He couldn't believe that, with Cas all careful that nothing should happen to them, he had never considered what it would do to Dean to look at him and see nothing but an archangel.

They had heard nothing about Lucifer escaping or the cage being opened, and certainly they would if such things ever came to pass. Bobby had pointed out that Michael might as well be delusional, hell-bent (hah, punt freaking intended, you dick) as he was on fulfilling old, meaningless prophecies.

Throughout the last few weeks, Dean had had only one thought.

He had to save Cas.

There had to be something that could tempt Michael out of his body. Maybe there was a spell that could turn him out. They had dragged Dean back minus his vessel, there had to be a way.

Of course the spell, once he found him, didn't work on the Archangel. That didn't mean he'd stop trying.

The idea came to him as he was perusing an old manuscript in Enochian. It was pretty much nonsense, written by a self-proclaimed clairvoyant (all lies, of course, Dean knew the names of all prophets) who claimed to have talked to angels so often he knew all there was to know about them, but there was some stuff that made sense. Kind of. Almost.

The human body that accepts an angel as its guest strengthens over time. An angel that stays in its vessel for long changes it irreparably. It is then not only not as easily destroyed as other human bodies, but it might be used by another angel –

A vessel being used for a different angel? It had been done before, naturally. But the vessel always started to crumble after a while if it wasn't meant for this specific angel. Apparently crazy guy had thought that wouldn't be a problem once – once –

An angel had occupied the vessel long enough.

How long had it been since he had taken over Machidiel's body? He couldn't say exactly. He could have asked Sammy, but that would have drawn attention to what he was trying to do, and that was what he wanted. At all.

It had been centuries ago, he knew that, and his Grace was so accustomed to its confines that it really felt like his body.

And there was another thing, of course.

They had locked themselves inside their vessel. Which meant that any angel who entered it would be locked inside too.

Michael would be made much more vulnerable. Of course he would still have his powers, but he would be confined within a body, and therefore easier to trap in a circle of holy oil.

And of course Dean would be there to fight him. While his deal with Cas wouldn't be valid anymore once he changed his vessel, by now Dean understood Michael, understood how he had run Heaven, how many threats and how much pain it had taken; and Michael would keep him alive just to punish him. It would be painful, of course. But Dean was ready for it. He had failed. He deserved the hurt.

He deserved anything, was willing to do anything, as long as it meant Cas would be alright.

If this was true, if his vessel had been strengthened over the years, if he was a better fit for Michael then even the one true vessel that had been chosen for him –

Dean swallowed. He would forever be trapped inside this body, fighting until he was exhausted or Michael granted him death. But it was worth it. For Cas, it was worth it.

He would have to leave without the others noticing. It wouldn't be easy. Sammy especially kept a close watch on him, as he had watched humans do around the bereaved. If he would have been able to smile, he would probably have appreciated it more.

But as it was...

He stole away at night. He left a note; he knew it wouldn't be enough, it could never be enough, but they had to know.

_I had to save Cas. Watch over him._

Once he was far enough away, he spread his wings and he flew for the last time. He ended up in around the same spot he had met Adam. He thought it was appropriate.

Only a short time ago, the thought to reach out to an archangel would never have occurred to him. But now he had rebelled and fought and lost, and it didn't scare him anymore.

"Michael. We need to talk." Nothing.

"You know your plan to open the cage anyway? Or get in? I can help with that."

He noted with satisfaction that it spoke for the other's growing desperation that he not only listened, but came. He felt him near before he arrived and for the last time used the angel radio.

_I'm sorry_ , he sent Sam and Bobby, alongside their location so they could find Cas. He knew that they might try to find out where he was through the link, but he also knew they wouldn't get here in time for the simple reason that Michael didn't want them to; but they had to know that he was already regretting what he was about to do.

The only thing he would regret more was not doing it.

And so he took a deep breath and pleaded, begged the Archangel, "Take me."


	40. Chapter 40

Sam should have known, and the knowledge would haunt him forever.

When Dean had gone upstairs, he had assumed that he was going to his room. He spent most of his time there, despite it being a new one in Zack's home and not the one he and Cas had –

Well, Sam had his suspicions. Suspicions because Dean wouldn't talk. He had only mentioned Cas in passing since they had arrived. Just like Zachariah, he dealt with what had happened by spending his time alone.

Sam wasn't sure it was healthy, but he wasn't sure of anything anymore. They had killed Lilith but it still felt like a defeat. Cas had said yes to Michael, presumably because he had threatened their lives; and now Michael was looking for another way to bring the Apocalyspe.

According to their research, it was not an easy tzhing to do at least. But that was small comfort when it seemed his brother was falling apart at the seams.

He really should have known. Dean was not someone to wallow quietly, nor was he someone who easily gave up on someone else.

The message reached them just as they had sat down to eat. They didn't have to, of course, but Zachariah enjoyed it when they sat with him. He was still shaken about the loss of his friend, as they all were, and Sam didn't think he had yet recovered from seeing his family during the Rising of the Witnesses, and they were glad to help.

If only they had been as careful with Dean. He should have known. He knew Dean, knew what he was capable of for those he loved; why had he never considered the possibility?

But suddenly, there it was.

_I'm sorry. Look after Cas._

They jumped up at the same time.

"What is it?" Zachariah asked, but Sam had already teleported into Dean's room.

It was empty. There was a note. He picked it up.

"Damn it, Dean" he muttered. He returned downstairs.

"Bobby, do you know where – "

"Yes. But I can't get there – "

"Michael must already be – "

"Son of a bitch. What is the idjit up to?"

"I'll find out" Zachariah interrupted them. "He's been borrowing quite a lot of my books. I'll go through them; you try and get close".

He was right. They vanished.

They ended up about two miles from where they were supposed to be. Sam cursed as Bobby pulled at his arm.

"Come on, we don't got time for this."

They saw someone lying on the floor from far off; when they finally reached him, they saw it was Cas, but there was no trace of Michael or Dean anywhere as far as they could tell – they could feel no angelic presence.

"Is he – " Sam asked. Bobby shook his head.

"He's breathing". He still sounded far from relieved.

"Good knows what Michael did to him, though. And Dean."

"Is there a way to check?" Sam asked. He wanted nothing more than to go look for Dean – if he was – if Michael hadn't –

No. There would be traces of him if Michael had just decided to get rid off him.

"Let's get him back to Zack's."

Bobby hoisted him up and they returned to the older man's house. He jumped up from the table he had already spread several books on.

"Dean?"

"We don't know".

He nodded. "Put him in Dean's room. It'll comfort him."

Sam wouldn't have thought so, but he supposed it was a human thing he hadn't yet learned about. As Bobby put him down on the bed, Cas began to stir. To Sam's surprise, he touched his forehead and Cas sank back into a deep sleep.

"Why did you do that?"

Cas might be able to give them information. Maybe he had been aware enough to see what happened to Dean.

"I don't like it, Sam. Why would Michael just leave him? It's better to check on him before we allow him to wake up."

"Well, he doesn't seem to be injured" Sam supplied. Bobby nodded.

"True. But just because we can't see it..." He frowned and Sam guessed what he was about to say.

"Bobby, if you touch his soul, he could be – "

"I know, kid. Trust me, I know. It ain't gonna be pleasant. But wouldn't you rather know that everything's fine?"

"Cas would."

They had been so focused on the hunter that the hadn't heard Zachariah enter the room.

"Cas would want you to check" he insisted. "Michael might just have done something to him – maybe turned him crazy, I don't know – but he wouldn't risk waking up and ahrming someone."

Bobby nodded. After a moment, Sam did too.

At least Cas was unconscious, he thought as the other angel plunged his hand into his chest and the hunter winced even in his sleep.

Bobby pulled his arm out suddenly. He was pale.

"What? What is it?"

Bobby took a step back, his face grim.

"It's gone."

"What is gone?"

He looked at Zack and Sam before he answered, "Cas' soul."

"What?!"

"It's gone. I can't explain it."

"But why would Michael..." Sam had only heard stories about humans walking around without souls before, mostly because of dark magic performed in the Middle Ages. "It doesn't make sense. People without souls are uncontrollable. He can't think cas would let him back in easier."

"Whatever the reason, I say we keep him under until we figure it out. Don't worry" Bobby explained, turning to Zachariah, "He won't starve. Think of it as suspended animation".

Zachariah nodded. "It's preferable to a soulless hunter. It's dirty work at the best of times. If there's no soul – " he stopped. "I'll keep working. Maybe Dean left a clue."

He all but fled the room. Sam didn't wonder why. It must have been difficult to imagine for a human that one could lose one's soul.

He looked at Cas' body.

"Oh Dean" he sighed. "Why did you have to be so stubborn?"

_It was strangely... relaxing, being possessed. Although probably the only reason he wasn't burning was that he had Grace of his own and so didn't feel its effects._

_It was dark around him, but that he could handle. It was a bit disconcerting that he had no idea what his body was doing, but it was better than Cas being possessed. He could handle this. And if the others should be able to smite Michael..._

_Well, it wasn't like he would be missed. Much._

_At least he got Cas out._

_Or so he thought._

" _Dean?"_

" _Cas?"_

_He looked just like he looked in real life, out there, and Dean grew angry.  
"Really, Michael? That's a low blow, even for you."_

" _Dean... it's me."_

" _Yeah, right, because – "_

_Cas kissed him and against his better judgement he kissed back. When Cas didn't push him away, when no hateful words followed, when the hunter simply held him close, he realized. This was real. This was Cas._

" _But how – what happened?"_

" _I hold on" Cas admitted. "I wasn't – always conscious." He shuddered. "It wasn't pleasant. But when I heard your voice, I became aware enough to realize what was happening, and when he moved into you, I just clung to him. I don't know how. But here I am."_

" _God damnit, Cas, you idiot! You were supposed to get out! That was why I made Michael the offer in the first place – "_

" _I know" Cas assured him, pulling him even closer. "And I couldn't let you do it. I had to help."_

_Dean snorted. "Can't see how we'll be able to do much."_

" _That doesn't sound like the angel I know."_

" _Yeah, well, we and Michael are currently having a slumber party in my vessel."_

" _But we're together. We'll find a way"._

_Dean laughed. "I like this optimistic Cas" he teased._

" _I'm not possessed anymore, and I'm with you."_

" _Yeah, I think we could argue about both."_

" _Let's not. Michael is in control, right? But that means we can wrestle it from him."_

" _Cas... You said it was unpleasant."_

" _It was. Like being chained to a comet."_

" _My Grace must be protecting you. That's why you don't feel anything right now. But if we get close to Michael... Cas, you would just brun again. You'd probably lose consciousness, or Michael would kill you to teach me a lesson."_

" _You should know by now that I don't sit by the sidelines, as you would put it."_

" _Don't I know" Dean sighed. "Alright then. Going upagainst an archangel it is."_

_When he saw Cas smile at him for the first time in weeks, he somehow felt that everything was going to be okay._

Zachariah had spent the whole day reading, only reluctantly giving a few books to Sam when he asked. He understood; for Zack, books were his refuge, and it was easy to forget that an angel was missing, a soulless hunter was lying unconscious upstairs and an archangel was still plotting the end of the world while he was researching.

Bobby was sitting with Cas. They had decided that, until they got him fixed, one of them would stay with him at all times to ensure he wasn't waking up. They had no idea whether the absence of the soul would affect the powers of his Grace Bobby used to keep him under; and as he put it, "I'd rather not find out by him sneaking out and committing murder".

After a few books, Sam could feel his impatience growing. He tried to think logically. Dean had wanted to help Cas. He had wanted to eject Michael from Cas' body. What could he possibly have found? Any spells that came to mind only removed both the vessel and the angel from a certain location, or summoned them. How to separate them? Only Heaven had ever been able to drag them out of their vessels, but Dean could not have been desperate enough to believe they would help, especially since Michael was leading Heaven. No other archangel had ever dared question this.

Maybe, Sam realized with a jolt, this was the key word. _Desperate_.

Dean had been desperate – they all were after what had happened. Angels were not normally desperate because they normally didn't experience strong emotions.

"Zachariah?" he asked.

"Hm?"

"What do desperate people do?"

It was an odd question, but the other man understood immediately.

"They grasp at straws." He looked over the books. "And they don't think that much about what they're going to do. Perhaps we need something that's not a spell, but rather... offers hope."

Sam couldn't really follow Zachariah (he didn't doubt he would, once he grew even more used to being around humans and feeling what they felt) but he trusted him. He had been doing research for hunters for over twenty years, and he had often enough provided them with information that saved their lives.

And so when he handed him an old Enochian text, Sam read it without questioning him why he should.

"But.. that's insane!" he exclaimed at the end. "He thinks that, if an angel has occupied..."

"I read it too" Zachariah interrupted him calmly. "Call Bobby."

Sam did, and the older angel read the manuscript without comment before he said, "This is... not what I expected. At least there's a possibility we might understand what happened, now."

"But what does that mean?" Sam asked. "Do you think that Dean... offered himself as a vessel in exchange for Cas walking free?"

"I think he did."

"But where is Cas' soul then?"

"This might sound crazy" Zachariah interjected, "But could it be that Cas is in Dean too? That when Michael changed bodies, so did Cas?"

Bobby sighed. "i have no idea. But nothing would surprise me anymore."

"IF we are right..." Sam began. "Then Dean and Cas are both inside Dean's vessel with Michael. And we have no idea how to rescue them or get him out."


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a mistake and forgot a chapter! I know, I know, I'm an idiot. Strangely, no one noticed, so I'm going to chalk that up to my talent as a storyteller. Anyway, so this is actually the chaper that comes before the one you got yesterday - again, I'm so sorry.

_“I never thought about what it would be like, being possessed.”_

_“Yes, you did. That’s why you only took Machidiel at the end of his life.”_

_“I – “ Now that Dean thought about it, it was true. “Guess I’ve been doing the whole feelings thing for longer than I realized. I don’t think it’s the same for me, though. Like, no chaining to a comet here.”_

_“I know. It’s a welcome reprieve. But first thing’s first. Do you think he is listening to us?”_

_Dean frowned. “I can feel his Grace, of course, but I don’t think he’s paying much attention to what we’re doing. Did he talk to you at all?”_

_“No. I don’t think he even considered the possibility. When I said being chained to a comet, when I said burning... It was all cold. There was no fire; it felt like burning ice. Michael doesn’t get angry or even interested in others the way humans or even angels do.” HE paused. “Do you think he was ever different? Before he had to throw Lucifer in Hell?”_

_“No idea. All I know is that he’s a son of a bitch now. You know he’S trying to get into the cage anyway?”_

_“Yes. I wasn’t overly worried when I heard him express it, and at first I thought he was affecting me. But then I wondered why he would, and I realized – I wasn’t worried because I trusted you. Either Zack or Bobby would have known something about it. There might be other ways in the cage, but even an Archangel would need time to find them. Time you could use to stop them.”_

_“You really think too much of me.”_

_“You think so?”_

_Despite the situation they were in, Dean couldn’t resist drawing Cas into a quick kiss._

_He stepped back, chuckling._

_“This is freaking weird, man.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“We’re kissing without our bodies.”_

_“You’re an angel. You don’t really have a body” Cas pointed out._

_“Need I remind you that I have spent longer in this body than you ever spent in yours?”_

_They stopped when they realized they were bickering while bigger problems were at hand. Dean frowned, wondering why he had been able to kiss Cas. He should be in his true form, shouldn’t he? Why was he looking like his human vessel? He was glad, he supposed; it kept Cas’ soul from harm. He had no idea what his pure essence could have done to him._

_“Alright”. Cas brought his hand up to rub his face. “Did a vessel ever fight back? Was there any instance in which a human ejected an angel from his body?”_

_“I...” Dean thought about it. “Thing is, most vessels are religious. Maybe it’s God’s will, I don’t know, but they’re usually very happy to help an angel.”_

_“I understand that. But is there any precedent? At all?”_

_Dean bit his lip. “There is... there were stories, of course. Angels love stories. And well... There was this – they told us you had to respect your vessel. Otherwise it might kick you out. But how...”_

_“So we have nothing” Cas summarized._

_“Sorry”._

_“Don’t be. We’re making it up as we go along.”_

_Dean smiled at him._

“This idiot” Sam mumbled for the thousandth time. Bobby sighed. He’d finally come down, explaining that he now felt certain that Cas would stay asleep until they could put his soul back in.

None of them pointed out that this might not even be an option.

“I ain’t saying it’s a good thing, but we all knew why he did it.”

“Of course, but he just went and had himself possessed! He shouldn’t have gone alone, he should have talked to us, he should have – “

“Followed orders?” Bobby challenged him. Sam looked at him, mortified.

“That’s not what I wanted to say!”

“I know, boy. I’m just on edge.”

“We all are” Sam admitted. “It’s – we killed Lilith. That was supposed to be the end.”

“Only Michael got to Cas after all. God knows what the other angels in Heaven are thinking.”

“Do you think there’s a chance – “ Sam interrupted himself. “Of course not. They’d never dream of questioning him.”

“We don’t know that. Look at you. You always were a deep son of a bitch. And Dean – he’d do anything for those he cared about”.

“Don’t I know that” Sam said bitterly. “We gotta sort out this mess before Michael does anything to Dean and Cas, if he really held on. Do you think Dean’s vessel is strong enough to hold them all?”

“Let’s hope so. I wouldn’t mind Michael exploding, but I’m not so keen on Dean and Cas lying around in bits and pieces.”

Sam shuddered and looked away. He didn’t even want to think about that.

Zachariah had been reading throughout their conversation, preferring to do “research over freaking out” as he had briskly told them, and Sam was ignoring the irony that a human was trying to make them concentrate instead of worrying non-stop.

Uncharacteristically, Zack slammed the book on the table.

“I think we’ll just have to summon him, trap him, see how it goes.”

“Because that went so well the first time?” Bobby asked.

“What other choice do we have?” Zack pointed out. Sam sighed.

“He is right.”

“He is, but we’ll still have a pissed off archangel on our hands – “

“One that can’t hurt us” Zack interrupted him.

“What?”

“Michael said it, didn’t he? He said he couldn’t hurt us.”

“I guess he promised Cas – “

“Yes, and that means it’s a condition to letting Michael possess him. We’re safe.”

Bobby shook his head. “Angels use humans as vessels to have human bodies. Bodies, not souls. I don’t think that Cas’ soul is still in there makes their deal still valid, even though we have his body upstairs... There’s every reason to think he’ll try and kill us the second he realizes what’s happening.” After a pause, he continued, “I’m more than willing to take the risk.”

“I think we’ve established that we all are” Zachariah said quickly, a little bit too quickly for Sam’s liking.

When he saw the angel’s expression, he sighed.

“You might be angels, but I know the man lying up there. And I know just how good a hunter he is. A soul is a moral compass, the only one we have, really. Imagining what he’d do without it isn’t exactly pleasant.”

Sam nodded. It was true. Castiel Novak, apart from being known as the Righteous Man, was an excellent hunter, one of the best the angels had ever seen. And what exactly did keep a hunter from killing everything he wanted instead of just monsters? His soul. He was glad Bobby had insisted to check what was going on before Cas woke up.

“We’ll need holy oil” he said, partly to chase away the thoughts.

“You better get us some, then” Bobby said simply. “I ain’t feeling comfortable until we got Michael under lock and key.”

_“So we’re locked in” Dean mused._

_“As in, in part of your vessel?”_

_“Probably more like a part of Michael’s mind... if that makes sense. No one’s really told us how it works out for the humans we take as vessel.”_

_“So you just... take a vessel and then forget all about them? I mean” Cas hastened to add, “I know you and Sam took yours at the end of their lives.”_

_“We’re not the only ones – that care about that. No matter how obedient a soldier, most of us have reservations about vessels, small as they are, ‘cause – you know. Possession.”_

_“It feels too much like a thing a demon would do?”_

_Dean nodded. “And let’s be honest, the whole consent thing is sketchy at best.”_

_Cas laughed bitterly. “Don’t I know?” He forced himself to calm down. “So what do we do? We’re inside your body. With Michael.”_

_If Dean noticed him addressing his vessel as “Dean’s body”, he didn’t say anything._

_“I think we have established that as a fact. We’re going in circles, in case you don’t notice.”_

_“Because there’s nowhere to go” Cas said. Literally. In his body, when he hadn’t been unconscious, more often than not he had found himself in memories, half-forgotten dreams – he believed it had been his instinct of self-preservation that had ensured he wouldn’t go mad. Here, there was nothing. Because Dean couldn’t easily be knocked unconscious, he supposed._

_“Well, except to grab Michael and gain back control.”_

_“Which we have no idea how to do, as our debate of the last several minutes would prove.”_

_Cas hoped it had been minutes. He was unable to say how long ago he had been possessed, and maybe time passed differently for someone locked inside their minds._

_Suddenly, he felt anger – cold, burning anger – and knew it was Michael’s. Dean felt it too._

_“What is going – “_

_He stopped and listened, and Cas realized he could hear something too, a faint sound in the background that sounded like –_

_“Sammy!?” Dean exclaimed._


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important: Please read Chapter 41! It was supposed to go up yesterday, and I didn't notice! I forgot about a chapter! I'm an idiot.

" _GOD DAMNIT SAMMY!"_

" _Dean, getting angry won't help us."_

" _No. But once I'm out of here, I'm using my blade to – "_

" _Dean – "_

" _Right, right." He took a deep breath. "So they were actually dumb enough to summon... us."_

" _It's not a bad idea to trap Michael."_

" _You say that again when the legions of Heaven descend upon their asses. And we can't do anything to stop –"_

" _Dean, we are going to get him under control."_

" _Why?"_

" _Because we have to" Cas said simply. "IT might not sound like much, but it's a maxim that has often saved my life."_

" _Okay, then. I guess we just... go for it. It's not like we have another choice."_

_Cas nodded._

" _We'll have to make a run for it" Dean said. "Try and locate Michael's Grace. Then I'll hopefully be able to subdue him."_

_Cas drew him into a quick kiss, but said nothing, probably because there was nothing to say._

_They knew they had to be careful not to get separated. Cas, being Michael's vessel, might be able to feel the very essence of his being and lead Dean to him; and Dean could battle Michael for control._

_They should have figured they'd lose themselves as soon as they tried to dive into Michael's mind._

They had decided there was no point in losing more time. Zachariah even insisted that they could summon him into his basement, and that he would make the place angel-proof again as soon as they had completed it.

"Better to have him under lock and key as quickly as possible. Plus, if we need to make a run for it, it's better if the safe house isn't compromised."

Neither of them pointed out that they probably wouldn't be running if things went wrong.

They quickly secured the room in the basement. Sam could feel them slowly becoming entrapped in the house as Zack put more and more almost done sigils up, to be completed once Michael was caught in the ring of holy fire.

What they were doing was desperate. He knew that. But what choice did they have? They had to save Dean and Cas. Of course it wouldn't be easy. Even if they somehow got them out, Cas could either become a ghost or go to Heaven immediately. Neither outcome was one Sam was looking forward to.

So they summoned an archangel. Sam had underestimated how it would feel to look at his brother's body and see someone else.

"Michael" Sam said, but he sounded hesitant and unsure. He couldn't help it. For so long, he had looked upon this vessel and seen his favourite brother, one he trusted with his life; now there was an enemy in front of him.

When he looked again, he realized he would have been able to tell right away. This was not the way stood, his expression was wrong, too calm even in anger.

"Release me immediately" Michael ordered but neither Sam nor Bobby moved. The compulsion to obey was long gone, even if the one they were supposed to follow was an archangel.

And Sam hated him, hated him with every fibre of his being. A short time ago, he might have been a questioning angel, one constantly at the risk of being reprogrammed, but he had not rebelled. He had felt slight discomfort at the thought that the other angels were trying to bring the Apocalypse, but even the rage he'd thought he felt towards John was nothing against this blind, burning hatred against the angel who had taken his brother's body.

"We won't do no such thing until we get you out" Bobby answered.

If Michael had been in the habit of doing anything human like smiling, he would have. The knowledge just made Sam angrier.

"Your brother locked himself into his vessel. There is little chance of "getting me out"".

"Don't worry".

Zachariah had returned. It was the first time he had spoken to an angel who was not Sam, Dean or Bobby; he had been content to keep in the background until now. Sam should have known he was fed up; why else would he insist on doing the ritual right here in his house?

"Don't you think I have exorcised enough demons over the years?"

"I am not a demon" Michael answered.

Zachariah laughed, sharp and bitter. "Not a demon? You possessed someone who was just trying to do the right thing. Twice, I might add. You took away their agencies, their bodies – how is that not evil?"

Michael didn't answer. He probably considered it below his dignity.

"Anyway, we will find a way and in the meantime get comfy. My house is warded. Don't even think about calling for help. It wouldn't work."

"My soldiers will look for me. It won't be long until I'm found."

"I'm used to work quickly" Zachariah hissed and then, without a care in the world, he turned around and left the room, slamming the door behind him. They heard him stomp up the stairs.

Sam and Bobby shared a look. Maybe they should have paid more attention to him in teh weeks since Cas had been possessed. The hunter was one of the few, maybe the only friends the older man had. His loss must have weighed heavily on him. He was functioning at least though, and Sam didn't think he could ask for more right now.

Bobby came to the same conclusion. He was worried, but not nearly as much as he was about Dean and cas. They had no way of knowing if they were even still in there. Maybe Michael had found it tiring that he carried both additional Grace and a soul around with him, and he had –

He bit his lip. In that case, it would be easier to just stab the bastard. But they didn't know for sure. And Michael wouldn't tell them, not when he was trapped, not when he was in danger. He would bid his time and attack when the moment was right, as he had during the countless battles he had won for Heaven. Bobby had watched him then, and long before he had realized what he was harbouring were doubts, he had felt uneasy as Michael killed and attacked without care, without remorse, as cold and beautiful as on the day of his creation.

It was the first time that he had ever wondered whether this was what they were meant to be, and it had been the beginning of the reasoning that led him to retire in the library. And a good thing, too; if the other angels hadn't practically forgotten about him, he wouldn't have been able to help the boys.

" _Cas? Cas, where are you?"_

_Dean had stumbled into a room he first paid no attention to, looking for the gunter. He sighed. He should have known. But where was he? When he finally looked around, his heart sank._

No _. Michael couldn't do that to him._

_1736\. He and another angel had been ordered to wipe out a town where demons had slowly and steadily possessed almost half the population._

_There had been many children living there. 20,371 to be exact. Dean knew. He had counted them again and again afterwards._

_He had wiped the town as he had been ordered to. He had watched it vanish._

_But he hadn't seen this room then, because it was the bedroom of two small girls. Sisters. They were playing._

No. Father, please –

_A blinding light. Dean couldn't look away._

_He watched them burn._

_He ran out of the room._

" _Dean? DEAN!"_

_Dean was gone and Cas had no idea where to look for him. He was in a dark corridor that seemed oddly familiar, but he couldn't say from where. Or why he was here in the first place._

_He certainly hadn't got out of Dean's body. He would have noticed that. Plus, where was Sam? He had been there. He certainly wouldn't have confronted Michael in a dark, dreary, cold –_

_Oh God. He remembered._

" _Castiel, this is your fault."_

_The voice coming out of the living room shocked him more than when he had heard it coming from a ghost._

_He remembered this. He had been twelve and his father had taken him with him on a hunt, explaining that he was ready for a case. He hadn't been, of course. No young boy was, no one ever was._

_And so, when the werewolf had come, he had frozen._

_And there was a body in the house to prove it._

" _You should have shot him with silver the minute you had the chance."_

" _Dad..."_

_There was a tense silence. Then, Cas heard his young self say, "I am sorry, sir."_

" _I hope you are. Never forget this. It's your fault he's dead, Castiel."_

_Castiel did what he hadn't been able to do then._

_He ran. It was clear this was a game Michael was playing; make him relive his worst memories._

_Oddly, even with Dean God knew where, he felt better than when he first got possessed and had been locked up inside his own mind, with nothing but darkness around him._

_Finally he had something to fight._


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you excited? I'm excited!  
> Anyway, on to the big finale!

_Sam was gone. They were in the midst of battle, and Sam was gone. He looked around frantically before he remembered that this was all a hallucination caused by Michael. Of course he would go for Sammy. Every angel had known about their bond, it seemed. No wonder those guys had played around in their Graces until they couldn’t tell left from right anymore._

_That was in the past, though. He had heard Sam – he was out there, not lost in battle. Dean had to get out and help him defeat Michael._

_He knew that even in his true form he would be no match for Michael. But they had proven that they could on pretty big fish. If he could just stall Michael..._

_Viktor was slain next to him and against his better judgement, he flinched. He and Viktor had always had a complicated relationship, and yet he had felt like he had failed again, learning of his death. He hadn’t even realized at the time. He had been looking for Sam. As it turned out, Sam had been looking for him, too. John had berated him –_

_No. John had taken him to Ava._

_The anger he felt made it easy to break out of the memory. He was back again in a dark place he couldn’t identify. Just as well. Maybe Michael had realized he wouldn’t play his game._

_Dean should really have considered that this would force him to change it, because suddenly, he was in Hell again._

_He smirked when he realized. He couldn’t see Sam, but he knew this was the day he had rescued Cas. Michael would need to try more to scare him._

_But maybe, if he saw Cas in his memories, he’d get a clue how to find him? It wasn’t much, but at least it was an idea, and he flew to Alastair’s torture chamber –_

_Only it wasn’t Alastair who awaited him._

_It was Cas. Cas alone._

_Cas, alone, with black eyes, his soul –_

_No._

_Suddenly, he had him pinned against the wall. Dean had had no idea whatever he was seeing could actually hurt him, and he struggled to get away, but somehow Cas was strong enough to keep him there._

_“What’s that? One angel for the rescue attempt? Guess the Righteous Man wasn’t worth much. Anyway, you’re too late.”_

_“No” he forced out. “Not real – not Cas – “_

_Cas – it grinned._

_“I assure I am very real. At least here, right now. This is what human emotions do to you. They turn you into something you are not supposed to be.”_

_This shocked him out of his stupor, at least. Typical. Michael couldn’t just scare him, he needed to give him a whole freaking lecture while he was at it. Well, Dean was not having that. Only problem was staying alive since apparently this thing might just be able to harm him, if its strength was anything to go by._

_Only that it wouldn’t. Because Michael was angry with him, and if Michael was angry, that meant he wished to punish him. Otherwise, Ava’s job would have been useless since renegade angels would simply have been killed instead of reprogrammed. Maybe Michael felt there were too few angels left to risk their lives. Maybe he just liked to watch them suffer, the bastard. Either way, he’d keep him and Cas around just to teach them a lesson._

_Which meant –_

_“So I guess you said yes?”_

_“Of course I did. Was else was there to do? Humans are weak. That’s why demons and angels do what they have to – “_

_“I don’t think Father would be very happy to hear you say humans are weak” Dean pointed out, completely calm; in the surprised silence that followed, he managed to wrench himself free and run._

_Cas, meanwhile, suddenly fell from darkness into light. When he opened his eyes, Dean was kneeling in front of him, shaking his shoulders._

_“ Cas? Cas!”_

_He groaned and held his head._

_“What – Dean – “_

_“Look!”_

_Dean turned his head to look at the floor, and more importantly, a big scorched part of it._

_“That’s what happens when you kill an angel outside of his vessel, apparently. It was new to me, too.”_

_“What? Kill? Did we – “_

_He was in some sort of basement, Dean still kneeling across from him._

_“We made it”. It was Sam who spoke; he was standing in front of them with Bobby. At this moment, Zack came down the stairs._

_“I don’t suppose that will wash off” he commented, eying the floor. “Not that I mind much.”_

_Cas laughed; he couldn’t help it._

_“It’s over” he mumbled, “It’s over.”_

_He reached for Dean, only for the angel to get up and step away. He frowned as he staggered to his feet, swaying a little._

_“Guess we’ll have to reform Heaven now” Dean said conversationally. “Do you think we can do it, Bobby?”_

_He shrugged. “Ain’t no use in speculating. But we gotta try.”_

_Sam nodded eagerly. “It’s best if we return immediately. Dean...” he trailed off, shooting Cas a strangely distant look as Dean nodded._

_Sam and Bobby vanished without saying goodbye._

_“Dean?” Cas asked._

_“They wanted us to say goodbye. Properly, like humans do” Dean explained, but he sounded so... careless._

_“There’s much to be done in Heaven. I doubt we’ll be able to return soon. Not that we have a reason.”_

_“Dean?” he repeated._

_“Well, they really need my help, so – I guess that’s it. Thanks for the help and all.”_

_And then Dean was gone. No kiss. No promise to return. Not even a friendly glance._

_“Well” Zack said, “at least the angels are out of my house. When are you going to leave me alone, anyway?”_

_Cas closed his eyes and breathed._

_This was not real. This was Michael._

_He ran, not paying attention where through his tears._

_But suddenly, there was Dean, wrapping his arms around him._

_“Let me go” Cas hissed, struggling to get free. “I’m tired of your games, Michael.”_

_“Cas, it’s me – “_

_“No, it’s – “_

_Dean kissed him and Cas felt it. This was the angel he had come to love. Plus, Michael would have never allowed him the pleasure of a kiss._

_“Sorry” he said as they separated. “I saw some things – “_

_“Me too” Dean answered, shivering._

_“What happened? Did we get free?”_

_“I have no idea – if only we knew what was going on out there!”_

“You cannot keep me here forever. And no protection lasts long once we attack. I will soon be free.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. He knew Michael meant every word he said, but they couldn’t show fear or worry. He would just use their emotions against them.

Dean and Cas were in there, and they were sure to fight. If they could just gain control for a moment, to throw him out...

But Michael was sure to keep them under, or at least under his control. How could they break out? Maybe if they made Michael angry, maybe if they made him betray emotions, not just them. But was that even possible? He’d always burned so coldly.

Sam cleared his throat.

“How is Dean?”

“That hardly matters now.”

“I know it doesn’t – not to you” he pressed on. “I know you happily threw Lucifer in the pit the minute Father told you to.”

“Do not presume to – “

“I don’t presume. I know. You were just Fa5ther’s instrument. It’s not that he loved you best; we all know Lucifer held a special place in his heart, one you could never hope to occupy. Was that why you decided to obey? Did you hope that he would love you more, then? But he didn’t. He left.”

“His will be done.”

He appeared as calm as before. But Sam saw. He saw the slight tension in the shoulders of the vessel that had always betrayed Dean’s emotions too. Perhaps it was an unconscious reaction, remembered by the human body long after the soul that had inhabited it had left.

“You mean the will that pretty much ordered you to abandon your brother and then leave you stranded in Heaven? Because that’s all you have been doing since then, right? Showing everyone just how good an angel you are by manipulating and hurting other angels. No wonder he stayed away.”

“You do not understand. You are not worthy enough – “

“I’m worthy enough to know I would never do to Dean what you did to Lucifer. Not even if God ordered me to. Because that’s the difference between us – I’m actually a good brother.”

“I have to agree there” Bobby said suddenly, “And really Michael, I have read many accounts of what you did, and I don’t think it took much bravery at all.”

For the first time in millennia, Michael lost his temper.

“You don’t know what it’s like! You don’t know anything! You –“ He calmed down. Bobby and Sam shared a glance, hoping that the outburst had been enough for Dean and Cas to do something.

_“I can feel him – “_

_“Me too” Cas said, becoming aware of the burning sensation he’d tried in vain to shield himself from before, when Dean hadn’t yet joined him._

_“You should stay back – “_

_“Not a chance.”_

_Dean sighed. “Why do you have to be so stubborn? We might not be able to push him out anyway.”_

_“Because this is a suicide mission, so you might as well have help.”_

_Dean laughed. “Guess you’re right.” He paused. “Cas – if this is it – just so you know, I would have stayed with you.”_

_“I would have wanted you to” he answered simply, and then they were off to fight Michael._

_Somehow, Sam and Bobby must have distracted Michael enough so that they could get close. Dean had to think fast. They had to throw him out of Dean’s body, and quickly._

_Dean would have to use all his Grace to shield Cas and fight against the Archangel. His very essence might burn._

_He was more than ready to die. He only hoped Sam and Bobby could help Cas back into his body._

_Suddenly, Cas stood still beside him. “I can’t – it’s too close” he pressed out. Dean nodded._

_“Burning?” he inquired._

_“Yes, I thought I could deal, but – it’s so strong.”_

_“It’s alright, I’ll – “_

_“No. I know you’re an angel, Dean, but Michael’s an archangel. If we get closer, we might both just get burnt. We have to try from here.”_

_Dean groaned. No matter how little he liked it, Cas had a point. Michael might just smite them as soon as he noticed their presence._

_Then Cas said something he liked even less._

_“We both know you’re not strong enough. But human souls hold much power, do they not?”_

_“Cas – “_

_“Use it. Maybe together, we can throw him out.” He smiled humourlessly. “After all, we’ve already achieved a lot since you saved me, haven’t we?”_

_He knew Cas was right. Still, he fought against the conviction. But realizing Michael was pulling together his strength, maybe to blast away at his prison or hurt Sammy and the others, he knew they had to act._

_“It will hurt you.”_

_“No” Cas said firmly, “It won’t”._

_And Dean looked into his eyes as he pushed his Grace right into his soul, allowing them to mingle._

_Are you ready? He asked him without using his voice. It was no longer necessary._

_Yes._

_And they attacked._

Suddenly, Michael froze. Bobby and Sam traded a glance as they got ready to react.

_Fire, fire everywhere, but a different fire than Hell’s; this one was cold, very cold, and Dean could feel his very core, his essence burning away, turning into something else, changing –_

_Dean!_

_We need to push, Cas, we need to push him out!_

_And with all their strength, with their combined power, that was what they did; and then they were alone in the body._

_“Sammy” he managed to press out while still frantically clinging unto Cas’ soul until he realized his hunter wasn’t going anywhere and sent a prayer of thanks to his Father._

“You know we have to – “ Bobby began as they waited for anything, a reaction, something.

“Yes” Sam confirmed. I know”.

They had to kill Michael, even if it was likely he’d drag Dean and Cas out with him if he left the vessel at all.

And then Michael opened his mouth and screamed. And during that scream, Grace began to pour out of him. And yet Sam hesitated; and he could tell that Bobby was waiting, praying for a sign too while Michael was locked in the ring.

Then –

“Sammy!”

It was Dean’s vessel that had spoken, and that was Dean. He knew. He was sure.

Sam stabbed Michael’s Grace at the same time that Bobby launches his blade right in the middle of their brother’s true form.

His scream sounded like nothing they had ever heard; Dean curled down, being closest to the Grace, and Sam could dimly hear Zachariah shout from above as Michael screamed and died.

The silence that followed was deafening. They didn’t know what to say. Bobby automatically raised his hand to get rid of the holy fire, then thought better of it.

“Ask him something only the two of you know” he advised Sam. “Something Michael wouldn’t have cared to find out ‘till now.”

If he hesitated, they knew they had just –

Sam swallowed before he spoke.

“That one time, when we both snuck away from Heaven for a while, in the nineteenth century – when and why did I drag you to London?”

Dean rolled his eyes as he got up, despite looking pale and exhausted, and answered immediately, “1888. You had to find out who Jack the Ripper was. You and your human psychopath fetish.”

Sam beamed as Bobby put out the holy fire. He stepped up and dragged Dean into a hug.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.”

Then he felt it.

He drew back and looked at him.

“You’re – “

“Human” Dean replied tiredly. “Had to push him out using my Grace. Actually, I don’t feel that bad...”

He began to shake. Sam caught him just before he fell down.

“What is it, boy?”

Suddenly Bobby was there, holding unto his shoulder hard enough to leave bruises – he could actually get bruised now, he remembered. What a weird feeling. But not as weird that it distracted him from the important stuff.

“Cas – he’s still in here. Tell me you got his body.”

“We took care of it. He’s upstairs.”

“Get me there” he said through gritted teeth. “This body’s not gonna hold out long, and I plan to enjoy my life.”

Sam had never flown faster. Zack must have peaked in and started to get rid of the sigils.

Cas was lying on the bed as they had left him, and Dean closed his eyes as he saw him.

“Let’s do this.”

He had to be careful; if he let go too early and Cas hadn’t yet entered his body, he might go to Heaven after all.

For now, Cas was unconscious, but Dean could feel him nestled next to his – soul? What did he even have now? He didn’t care. He had to get Cas back into his body –

_Dean?_

**_Son of a bitch._ **

**_Hey, Cas, just sit tight, okay? We’re gonna get you back into a body._ **

_Alright. I trust you._

Suddenly, he realized something.

“Sam, I can’t – “

“I can. But Dean – “

It would hurt, of course.

“I don’t care, just put the right soul in the right body!”

He should really have seen what was coming when Sam gave him his puppy dog eyes, but in the next moment, there were two warm fingers pressed to his forehead, and he got his first experience of sleep.

Dean gently caught his brother in his arms after he had rendered him unconscious and lay him down next to Cas. He figured they’d have no problem with sharing a bed again. He wasn’t going to hurt Dean anymore than he needed to. He hoped his mojo had been enough to knock Cas out too.

He inserted his arm into Dean’s – body, it was his body now – gently regardless. He had never touched a human soul before, but he knew what it had to feel like.

There.

A soul, beautiful, shining with love and sacrifice, yet almost child-like in its curiosity –

His brother’s soul was as beautiful as his Grace had ever been. Sam smiled as he moved on.

A human soul, also locked in deep slumber. Strong, weary from battle, full of scars, yet a new hope, a new love, a new purpose had sprung from within –

Cas. That was Cas. He didn’t even have to access his memories to realize that.

He moved carefully, cradling Cas’ soul as he lifted it out of his brother’s body. He felt it squirm, then settle when it realized he wasn’t dangerous. Sam held on a bit tighter than strictly necessary, fearing that he could slip out of his grasp and into Heaven after all; this fear also led him to plunge into Cas’ chest somewhat hastily, but his soul quickly latched on to his body, returning home, and with a relieved sigh he let go. They were still asleep and would probably stay that way for some time to come.

He returned downstairs were Bobby and Zack were already making plans.

“The boys alright?” Bobby asked immediately.

Sam nodded. “Asleep and human, but yes. Their souls felt intact.”

“Thank God for that.” He paused. “So Zack and I have been talking about what we should do now. Heaven’s gonna be in chaos. Angels weren’t made to figure things out on their own.”

“So you think we could...”

“I think there’s no one else left to pick up the pieces, boy.”

Sam’s gaze drifted to the ceiling. Bobby understood immediately.

“Don’t be such a drama queen. You can drop by whenever you want.”

And although Sam smiled at that, somehow he felt it wasn’t enough.

Dean slowly returned to consciousness. Then he remembered.

“Sammy, you son of a bitch”. When he opened his eyes, Sam wasn’t there but Cas was sleeping on his chest.

_Please don’t let that be one of Michael’s fantasies._

But Michael would have had no reason to make him believe he was human. He’d just not have thought of it. And he could feel it; he felt weaker, yet somehow everything was in much sharper focus then before, made more important. He couldn’t really explain it.

So he gently brought a hand up to stroke Cas’ hair, causing him to stir and open his eyes.

He should have paid attention to the hunter’s instincts because he was out of bed in less than a second, eyes wide.

“Dean? What happened? Where is Michael? Are we – “

“We made it, Cas”. He drew him into his arms. “Michael is dead. We’re alive. Heaven is leaderless, yeah, and therefore pretty much screwed, but no Apocalypse, so that’s a plus”.

“But – “ Cas closed his eyes and took several deep breaths.

Which was when he realized he could feel Dean’s quick heartbeats.

“Why is your heart – “

“I’m human” Dean interrupted him.

“What? I never wanted that, I’m – “

“Don’t you dare”. Dean kissed him. “I know I ain’t the best with emotions and stuff, I haven’t been human that long, but you know I wouldn’t have returned to Heaven.”

“So you’re – here.”

“I am. We won. How about we start from there?”

And Cas, still shaken and confused, after everything, could only give one answer.

“Alright” he said slowly, intertwining their fingers. “ _We’ll make it up as we go along_.”


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been a wild ride for me. Not only have I never spent that much time on a fic before, but I went through some upheavals in my life while working on it. Needless to say, it will always have a special place in my heart.
> 
> Zachariah wasn't even supposed to be part of the story, let alone go through much of a growth once he was - to be honest, his first appearance was more a throwaway joke. Also, I didn't think I'd explore Sam's and Dean's relationship as much as I did.
> 
> But, well, enough of my ramblings.
> 
> Enjoy the last chapter!

"I am going alone, and that is my last word. Most angels don't even know what my part was in all of this. I'll try and explain." Bobby paused. "Maybe not start with the killing an archangel thing though."

And despite their protests, Bobby went.

Sam turned to Dean.

"How are you?"

"Fine, like the last ten times you asked."

Sam paused. He didn't know what else he was supposed to ask. Were things different now that Dean was human? He didn't know but it felt like they were. Was that how it was going to be? The old easy familiarity they had shared for a long time gone, hidden beneath an invisible barrier?

He swallowed back his uneasiness as Cas and Zachariah attempted to make Dean a good meal. If his brother's face was anything to go by, it was more than satisfactory, but maybe that was just Cas.

It didn't matter. Both his brother and his friend were alive and well, and they had survived against all odds.

Bobby returned the next morning. The humans had slept after all they had been through; Sam had waited, prayed.

He returned as they sat at their breakfast.

"It's done."

"What is?" Dean asked when it became clear Bobby wouldn't continue on his own.

"They believe me. Well, most do and the rest shut up, as they usually do. Helps that I'm one of the oldest angels around."

"What about John?" Sam asked him tensely.

"I – it's one of the reasons they believed me so readily. Ava backed me up. You don't know – you should have seen what Michael forced her to do to him."

"He was reprogrammed?" Dean asked.

"Worse. Far worse. John – he was a good soldier once. My friend."

"We know" Sam answered.

"He didn't remember. He just kept begging for forgiveness. He kept saying _I'm sorry, Dean_."

Bobby took a deep breath. "It was... pitiful. His Grace – I tried. There was nothing to be done." He looked away. "So I ended it."

Dean got up and squeezed his shoulder.

"Bobby, you did the right thing."

Sam nodded.

"Yeah, well – what's done is done."

He was clearly still affected by what had happened, but he wouldn't allow them to comfort him.

"Sorry to drag you out of here..." he began apologetically to Sam, "But I could use some help."

Sam nodded, his eyes travelling to Dean's.

"Don't worry" Bobby assured Dean, "I'll look out for him."

"You better, now that I can't" he said, looking down.

"You're my brother" Sam said softly. "You always will be."

"Always" Dean repeated as they vanished.

And then there were only three humans in Zachariah's kitchen.

Dean loved to try new things, his child-like enthusiasm having survived becoming human. In the first week, he forced Cas to watch countless movies (well, considering the cuddles that always accompanied their movie nights, "forced" might have been an exaggeration) and read many novels. He learned to cook, translated Zack's Enochian texts, met any hunters that dropped by.

Cas didn't think he had ever smiled as much as he had in these weeks.

Sam visited them as often as he could, Bobby also dropping by more than once.

Sadly, during these visits, the differences that had grown between the brothers became evident. Try as he might, Sam was still an angel; and sometimes, he couldn't understand why Dean got angry or grew dejected as he listened to him describe what they were doing.

"He's colder than I remember" Dean admitted to him once.

"He's not" Cas said gently, "You just see it differently, now."

"Same difference" Dean answered, bitterly.

Cas could only hold him in his arms, wishing to make it better.

At another time, when Dean stormed out of the kitchen, Sam stayed behind, looking at Cas sadly.

"It's about me having to kill Andras, right?"

The angel had attempted to murder Bobby, proclaiming that the Word of God must be followed under all circumstances. Sam had had no other option.

"I think it's more the way you said it" Cas supplied. Dean was used to more open, human expressions now.

Sam sighed.

"That's not... that's not how it should be. How we should be."

He vanished without another word.

Cas went to comfort his boyfriend.

Dean wordlessly moved up to him when he entered their bedroom. Cas wrapped his arms around him.

Sometimes, a hug wasn't enough. Sometimes, Dean had nightmares. Sometimes, Sam and Bobby couldn't stay for long and he locked himself into their bedroom after they had gone, feeling useless.

Each time, Cas assured him he wasn't.

Zack got used to having them around and to let other hunters stay in his house now and then.

Cas and Dean got used to being a couple, kissing and cuddling and... making love when they wished.

Cas had never really been in a relationship long enough to figure out how they worked, so he and Dean learned together. Now and then, they fought, of course – Cas insisted that Dean had to learn how to hunt properly before they solved their first face, while the ex-angel believed he had been a soldier long enough to jump right into action – but they usually managed to resolve their differences (and, as Dean had declared lying next to him that night, "So that's why they say after-a-fight sex is awesome!")

Sometimes, at night, watching Dean sleep, he admitted to himself that he had never been happier.

Cas wasn't surprised when, six months after they had defeated Michael and Zachariah had long since accepted that his house was slowly and steadily becoming a safe haven and research place for hunters, there was a knock at the door. When Dean went to open it with his usual enthusiasm to greet someone new, Sam fell into his arms, a small wound at his neck bleeding.

"What the – Cas, help me, he's unconscious!"

They carried him to the sofa and laid him down. Dean quickly fetched a glass of water and a towel.

"Why isn't he waking up? And why is he here in the first place, he said it might be a while –"

Sam came to himself, coughing.

"Sammy? How are you feeling? What happened?"

Against their wishes, Sam sat up.

"Nothing I didn't wish for" he said with a happy grin.

This wasn't exactly the reaction Cas would have expected of an angel falling into his brother's arms with a bleeding neck wound.

"What do you mean?" Dean asked impatiently, trying to push him down again.

"I'm human."

"What?!" Dean jumped up. "But that's – if you fell you'd be a baby – who did this to you?"

Cas had, unbeknownst to Dean, done some research on his own, helped by Zachariah. Apparently angels were reborn as humans when they fell. Even if Sam had wanted to become human, he should not have become the inhabitant of his vessel.

"I told you, I wanted it. Bobby helped me – he drained my Grace" he gestured at the wound. Cas reminded himself that they should clean it soon.

"He drained your Grace?"

Sam nodded. "We found a manuscript that said it could be done without causing the angel to fall, so we – "

"But why Sammy, why?" Dean interrupted him. "Heaven is finally looking up – "

"It is. But there's no place there for me."

"But Bobby could use your help – "

"There are others. You know we steadily gain new supporters. If I had waited longer, we wouldn't be the same age anymore. What else would you have wanted me to do? Go on to stand over your grave one day? Over Cas'?"

Dean paled and swallowed as he understood.

"We're brothers" Sam added much more composedly. "And I intend to live my life as such."

"Sammy..."

"Don't you dare say anything against that, Dean. It's my decision."

"I – " Dean stopped. The brothers shared a look. Then he grinned.

"Alright, then. Guess I'll be making one more burger."

Sam frowned. "Can't I have a salad?"

Dean actually looked scandalized before he sighed, "Tomorrow, Sammy."

Sam beamed and tried to hug him; it ended up as being more of a tackle, leaving them rolling on the floor, laughing.

Zachariah took it rather well.

"You're cleaning out your own room, though. And don't take the one next to your brother's and Cas' – trust me, the last thing you want to do is get traumatized during your first night as a human."

Cas blushed as Dean grinned.

"You know" Cas began to Zachariah when they had a moment for themselves, after they had cleaned out the room and Dean was busy showing Sam how the kitchen utensils worked, "you don't have to keep us here. We can easily find – "

"It's no problem" he interrupted him."It's been a while, after all."

"A while since what?"

"Since I last had a family" Zachariah simply replied.

Cas didn't know what to say.

"You're right" he finally agreed. "For me, too."

They smiled at each other in mutual understanding.

That evening, Dean knocked on Sam's new room.

"You need anything?"

"No. And before you ask, I'm really fine. Happy, even."

"But Sam..."

"Should have known you two idjits would be fighting over this."

Bobby was standing in front of them, pulling them both into a hug before Dean said, "We're not arguing. It's just – "

"Tell you something, I knew that boy would take the plunge the second you became human."

"What about you? We don't want to leave you alone – "

"What makes you think I am? I'm here all the time, am I not? Plus, someone's gotta make sure you all end up in heaven, soul mates and all."

Dean blushed fiercely.

"Whatever. Now make up and then go and kiss your hunter."

And so that was what Dean did.

Repeatedly.

Not that he would ever tell a soul, not even Sam, what followed.

From then on, they were a team, occasionally assisted by both Zack and Bobby. Sam learned the human ways just as quickly as Dean had, and of course his (older, as he always insisted) brother did everything he could to help him.

"Hey, Cas!" Dean chirped a month after Sam had come to live with them. "Look at that!"

He was holding two passports in his hands.

"An acquaintance of Zack's made them for us. We chose a last name, too. Being former weapons of Heaven and all that."

Somewhat worrying about whatever idea his boyfriend had had, Cas took the passports only to laugh a moment later.

"Winchester. It suits you."

"Thought so" Dean answered with a big grin.

He'd taught Dean to shoot with one, and he was currently helping Sam to figure it out, too.

"And you know..."

"Yes?" he prompted when Dean fell silent.

"I'm not talking about right now, but somewhere down the line... You or me or us both... I mean... We might change our name again. Eventually. If we want. Not that's it necessary or anything..."

It took him a second to understand what Dean meant. Then he kissed him fiercely.

"What is it?" Dean asked him one day at the end of a hunt when a thought struck him and he couldn't hold in his laughter.

"Nothing" Cas replied, still laughing, shaking his head a Sam started to drag the body of the dead vamp to the pyre they had built, "it's just – my life has turned out rather differently than I expected."

"You mean because your significant other and your best friends are fallen angels and an ex-recluse, besides your father-in-law ruling Heaven these days?" Cas noticed the use of the word father-in-law and once more decided that, yes, he could very well live with that.

Someday.

 _Soon_.

"Something like that" he admitted. "But guess what?"

"What?"

Bloody and tired as they were (and no matter how much Sam was beginning to grumble under the vampire's weight) Cas drew him into a kiss and whispered against his lips, "I wouldn't change it for the world – or Heaven."


End file.
